Written In The Walls: 9/??
Oct. 31st, 2011 01:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lalalive23Title: Written in the Walls
Author:![[info]](../../img/userinfo.gif?v=3)
lalalive23
Rating: PG
Pairing: Bell/Dom and a few original characters.
Summary: AU. Matt and Dom are teachers at a local high school in 1954. They don't want their relationship to be discovered, especially by those they work with, even though they've been living together for nearly 4 years. This is the story of what happens when the school librarian discovers them.
Warning: Fluff and sadness
Feedback: It's my Kubrick, it's my Jesus.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. I don't make money off this. This never happened. I do, however, own the characters Ellen and Martin, and their respective family members/coworkers. They are mine, so please do not take them. I am willing to share if you want to collaborate on something, but otherwise no touchy plz!
Note: Well. Hello lovies. I know it's been forever since I've updated a fic, and by no means do I expect anyone to remember this story or where it left off. I wish I had a better reason for going 8 months without posting this, but I don't have one and all I can do is apologize. That said, I am back now - hopefully to stay. Thanks go to a new member of my beta crew,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
seethedream, and my queenkaosspad for looking this over before they both went to bed; millionstar for reading this as it came to me and all the rest of you for existing.
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2A Chapter 2B Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8
Matthew
With fear nestled like serpents at the base of our spines, Dominic and I returned to the sixth form the following morning. Feeling like criminals, we reverted to our former pattern of avoiding any form of contact until we were concealed behind the doors of our home. We acted as though we did not know the other existed, hid ourselves from the library as though it was poison, and the agony of such a performance had birthed an ache in my bones before the day had finished. Instead of eyeing his welcoming eyes, I studied the arm of the ticking clock in my classroom and willed it to match the speed of my racing heart.
During free period, I imagined the chair behind my desk was a prison, and my jailor would not relieve me until the final bell had rung. Even on the opposite side of the building, I felt Dominic as though he were absorbed in the walls. Every attempt I made to focus on my work deteriorated as my vision blurred, and the paper before me became a vision of Dominic's smooth skin. These distractions were my only reprieve from the harsh reality of what our future faced and, occasionally, I felt as though my mind had connected with Dominic's on a metaphysical plane.
"Monsieur Bellamy?"
A small voice interrupted my fantasies, and I kicked my chair back in surprise as I straightened to view my private intruder. The sound echoed through the empty room before I took the opportunity to speak.
"Anita, do come in."
A wary smile spread across her lips and she came to stand before my desk with a hand nervously toying the curls of her dark hair. As a teacher, I watched and studied my students closely without capturing their attention. Throughout the past few months, I noticed the way she silently caught the eye of several boys in her class. She was pretty for her age, with large green eyes and a bright smile, and easily among the nicest girls in her year. Her quiet and kind demeanor won her plenty of friends, while her high intelligence and attention to detail in her studies won her favouritism among her tutors.
"I'm shocked to see you. You hardly need assistance with your work." I smiled brightly, hoping to break the tension that seemed to bristle her posture.
"No, it not that," she said softly, gazing at my name plaque. "I'd like to talk to you about the group project you assigned today."
"What about it?"
She hesitated, nibbling her bottom lip before her nerves settled and she brought her eyes to mine. "I'd like to be switched to another group."
I drew back a few centimeters. "That's quite unlike you. Has something happened?"
"No, not at all, but -" She cut herself off and then continued with a more worried expression on her features. "They aren't as advanced as I am. I'm not saying that to be cruel, it's just...the truth."
I smiled softly. "Anita, I put you in that group for that very reason. They will need someone like you to help them along."
She shuffled nervously, her Mary Janed feet rubbing together in awkward patterns. Her prolonged pause allowed me to notice that her fall uniform jacket was a size too big for her. "Sir, I do understand your logic, but I feel like they expect me to do their part for them. I simply don't have the time."
"Then you must be adamant that you will help and nothing more. I know you understand the language, and I would not give you a test like this if I thought you couldn't do it. I will see the difference in the work if you do it or if they do it without your help. And I would certainly not put you in this group if there was a chance your grade would suffer."
I ended my explanation with a sly grin, hoping she would understand my meaning.
Clever as always, Anita caught on swiftly, a slight blush tainting her cheeks. "You shouldn't play favourites, Monsieur Bellamy. It could get you in trouble."
Her words reminded me once again of dangerous game I had been playing even yesterday and I sighed heavily. "There are many things I could do to cause trouble, and I dare say that letting you know you are my favorite student is the most innocent of them all." I knew immediately I should not have said such a thing, and I withdrew my gaze from hers as I began to mindlessly adjust the papers that littered my desk.
She giggled softly, and I was thankful that she did not question my implication. "I promise to keep your secret," she whispered, with twinkling eyes.
My breath caught, trapped in my lungs at the indication of yet another guarded secret. My life, it seemed, was becoming an endless assortment of clandestine truths ranging from the perverse to the innocent, and I feared that I would soon lose track of those that warranted my trust. Merely nineteen hours before, Ellen had uttered those same words, heavy with honesty and I started to feel as though I was treading in treacherous waters. I hardly knew when I had become so reckless, tracing inappropriate lines with a student and placing everything I had built with Dominic in the hands of a lonely librarian. And still my only regret was that I could not confess these truths to everyone I encountered.
The memory of the previous evening forced my eyes to hazard a glance at the clock that had become my dearest companion. Free period was nearly over, and the oppressive weight that had clung to my chest for hours was lifted with every pass of the clock's second-hand. Positive that relief had enveloped my face in the most abrupt manner, I quickly masked my emotions with a polite smile and returned my gaze to the young girl before me.
"You should be getting home, your parents must be worried. I hardly think you ever stay so late at school." I finished my sentence quickly and began to gather my things, knowing that Dominic was merely a bell ring away, a short walk away, always at arms length.
"Yes, I should," Anita sighed, pulling at the shoulder strap of her leather messenger bag. "I'll do my best, Monsieur, but I admit I am rather unsure of my abilities to teach." Her final words ran in time with the chime of the bell.
Had it been any other day, there was no doubt in my mind that I would have talked at length about my confidence in her. She was brilliant, but her lack confidence in her own skills was, at once, both her strength and her weakness. However, acknowledging her final sentence meant I would remain separated from Dominic for moments longer, and the mere thought made my heart twist in despair. Momentarily, I was caught in a battle with my values as an educator and my desires as a lover. It was only after her smile faltered that I compromised with myself.
"Walk with me," I said, placing my diary and several folders of homework in my bag.
She followed me quietly through the door and down the hallways, eagerly listening as I assured her that she would be successful. In truth, I was only half paying attention to the words falling from my lips. My mind set on getting home, I navigated through the blurry sea of carmine sweaters and coats with only images of Dominic on my mind. How I managed to not confess any of my thoughts, with my brain in a daze and my being focused solely on one thing, was something of a miracle and I reminded myself as I exited the school building that I should not allow such a situation to occur again. Anita had kept up with ease, and hardly seemed to notice that she did not possess my full attention. She thanked me kindly, her body bowing in something of a small curtsey, before she blushed lightly and headed in the direction of her home.
Liberated from the presence of a student, I muttered Dominic's name to the wind, let it spread itself around me, and started off at a brisk walk. I was thankful that an autumn chill had consumed the air, as the fluttering of my heart had caused my temperature to rise. My cheeks began to burn in the cold, but I didn't mind. My footsteps on the pavement reminded me that I was swiftly working my way towards paradise and the soft pant of my breath was the symphony of my effort.
As I approached our driveway, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by joy at the sight of the car. I felt as though I could kiss the seat, knowing Dominic had been there minutes before. Fighting the urge, I made directly for our front door. Knowing it would be unlocked, I passed through the threshold and had barely made for it to close before Dominic was upon me, his lips covering my jaw.
Pressing myself against our door and shutting it with a satisfying click, I dropped my things and took him in my arms. His chest was heaving atop mine, hands pressing my face to his as we shared a frenzied and passionate kiss.
This was my reward. This was my true home. Feeling Dominic's mouth move in sync with mine, after what felt like an eternity of horrific loneliness, outweighed the hours of inner turmoil. I broke away from the kiss to press my nose into his neck, under his ear, and I simply breathed. With all the strength I could muster, I took him in. I wanted every drop of his essence, wanted to fill myself to the brim with his scent and hold it within me. My lungs welcomed him, my oxygen, and soon began to struggle to contain such unearthly perfection. Releasing a slow exhale, I felt the strands of his hair move across my skin with the flow of my breath.
"I can't do this," Dominic whispered, and for a moment my stomach began to drop. "I can't be away from you like this. How did we do this all those years ago?"
He cleaved to me, tightly, his lips grazing my skin as he spoke. Reveling in the sound of his voice, I took my time to answer as I let the sound drift over my body in light waves.
"I haven't the foggiest" I replied, quietly. "But I don't think I'll make it if I have to do it again."
"What do we do?" His fingers toyed idly with the hair at the base of my neck, and I knew it was a conversation we needed to have. We needed to sit and discuss our options. But breaking away from him felt as though it would cause me to crack my own rib, and I refused to let the tether that held us together snap.
Holding him close, I weighed our options in a quiet that contained nothing but our gasping breaths. To live another day like this, I was certain, would kill me. Our breaks between classes were scheduled differently, and so we could not plan to meet in the faculty lounge merely for conversation. There were scarce amount of places for us to remain in private, and so I turned, once again, to the memory of Ellen.
I knew well we could trust her, and I believed every word she was said bound in honesty. But I could not, in good conscience, allow myself and Dominic to return to the library without seeking her permission or talking with her about what contact she wanted to have with us in the future. And as my mind lingered on thoughts of the gentle librarian, I became haunted by the image of her sad eyes and quivering lips.
Ellen, so put together and prim on the grinds of the school, had fallen apart at the seams inside our car as soon as she became confronted by the steps to her door. I couldn't shake the memory and only felt a pull at my heart to reach out to her.
"We have to talk to Ellen," I said, finally. "The library is the only way for us to meet, the only conceivable way."
Dominic tensed briefly in my arms and then relaxed, a slight nod of his head rubbing against the crook of my neck. He curled into me, his fingers grasping at my coat in passive patterns.
"I don't know why," he began softly, "but I feel as though we can trust her."
I nodded quickly. "I believe her. Every word she said. She looked…so resolute in her defense of our relationship."
There was a brief silence between us, though it felt as though Ellen were in the room with us. Letting her into our home had changed the atmosphere, and we had spent the previous night in bed listening to her voice resonate off our walls. She was no intruder, but she was a friend that had been forced upon us in the most unceremonious of ways. She took it upon herself to protect us and, while she had yet to prove her loyalty, her faith in love proved that she would be our most ardent companion.
"Matt," Dom said after a few moments, "she looked so sad. She talked about love as though she didn't even deserve it."
I pulled him tight to my body, sealing the space between us so that not even air could penetrate our hold. "She's so alone. If you could have seen her, walking to her house. It looked as though I had sent her off to die. I don't ever want you to come home feeling like that."
"I could never," Dom said quickly. He pulled away slightly, turning his face to mine for the first time since I had been home, and I was finally greeted by his warm eyes. "She just needs a friend. I-I want to help her."
They were words he had uttered the evening before, as I held him close while we both wept our fears to one another. Only in this moment, they were not weighed down by despair, they were merely words of fierce desire and an urgency to provide Ellen with a confidant she needed.
I kissed him sweetly before tracing the edge of his bottom lip with my tongue. Making motions to leave the foyer, I took his hand in mine and guided him to the stairs. I wanted to drink my fill of him before we continued such a serious conversation.
"I promise," I said, running my thumb over the hills of his knuckles. "I will talk to her and make sure we never have to go through this again."
~
I kept my promise at the close of free period the next day, as I lingered outside the entrance to the library waiting for Ellen. Anxiety had settled within my veins, and I clung to the hope that she had not begun to regret her decision to help us. I wondered if, perhaps, allowing her over twenty-four hours had caused her to think too long on the words she had said so freely in our living room. A conservative woman, it was entirely possible Ellen would find it difficult to protect us for long.
Minutes after the bell had chimed, Ellen appeared in the hallway, turning toward the exit as she placed a book inside her bag. She had not noticed I was waiting for her, and I took the opportunity to admire the way her dark hair fell so neatly across her shoulders. Her red sweater and black skirt comprised one of her more daring outfits, and the colours looked so at home upon her body that I was astonished she hardly wore them at all.
"Ellen," I said, heading towards her before she could walk away from me.
She turned, startled by my voice, and quickly shut her bad to wait for me.
"Matthew, hello." She smiled politely and I found myself coming to a pause next to her questioning where to go next in our conversation.
"I wanted to talk to you," I said with an unsure waver in my voice.
Her smile faltered and her eyes became worried. "I promised, I mean - I told you I would keep your secret," she whispered. She looked frantically in the hallway, hoping no one heard her voice.
"No, no. It isn't - we trust you completely. But…" I drifted into silence, becoming wary of our location. I opened my mouth to speak, but quickly closed it again. "Let's move outside."
Ellen nodded and we walked in step towards the door. She did not seem so unsettled to be near me, on the contrary she seemed at ease with my presence. I caught brief glances of her profile, her jaw set firmly as she stepped onto the pavement to find a somewhat private area to talk. She pulled me towards the east of the school grounds and we set off on an undisclosed path that she decided we take. After walking a few blocks, she stopped near Knole Park and stood beneath what appeared to be an abandoned tube stop.
'We can talk quietly here," she said. "Hardly anyone comes to this area."
"We need to talk about where we go from here. What happens at the school, I mean." I nibbled my lip in worry, and hoped that she had more answers than I.
"You and Dominic," she said quietly. "You don't have to avoid the library, you know. I can watch you and if there are any eyes on you. I don't mind." She smiled sweetly before she cast her eyes to her feet and began again. "But please understand…I can't let you use the restricted room again. I can't let you risk all our careers like that."
Relief flooded my body and I placed my hands in my coat pocket to keep from hugging her without her permission. We merely smiled at one another and communication of thanks passed through our silence.
"May I walk you home?" I asked.
Ellen nodded quickly. "I'd quite like that."
She guided me north, navigating her way to her home while still remaining at my side. We walked slowly, neither feeling the need to rush. Our lull in conversation brought back the memory of her tears as I brought her home the first time, and I could no longer avoid the topic that weighed so heavily on her and, more recently, me.
"I'm sorry, but…I have to ask if you're alright. The other night -"
She cut me off. "Yes. The other night."
Words formed in my mind and died on my tongue as I tried to express my concern. It was such a difficult thing to ask, knowing it wasn't my place. But she had told me she had wanted a friend, and I had assured her it could be me. And so, I vocalized what was on my mind and attempted to remind her that I was not an enemy."You know - I want you to know. Dominic and I have to trust you, but…we'd like for you to trust us as well."
Turning a corner, she looked straight ahead while she spoke. "Would it be rude if I asked you a personal question?"
"I think we're well past the point of what we could consider rude," I laughed.
Ellen chuckled momentarily before speaking."Are there days," she said slowly, "when you simply don't have the strength to return home to Dominic? When you don't want anything to do with him?"
It was a not a question I had expected and it caught me off completely off guard. However, it was an easy question to answer, and so I told her the truth without sugar coating the way things were.
"Dom and I are far from perfect," I explained. "We have our fair share of arguments and fights, and there are days when he drives me crazy. But…I can't fight him for long. I can't bear to be at odds with him. I love him. I love him more than I love myself and my life on this Earth, and, so ,as much as we fight, I fight just as hard to keep him with me." I was quiet for a moment, but felt I had more to add. "Love will always win out in the end. Dom is the very light of my soul and it's just…it feels unnatural to be upset with him."
She let my words sink in and remained quiet for several moments as she gathered her words. The sound of her heels became a hypnotizing sound as I waited for her reply, if she had one at all.
"Martin and I weren't always like this, you know. You must - there was a time when we were happy. At least I thought we were." Her voice played with her words, as confidence seemed to guide her and then leave her so quickly before the end.
'What happened?" I did not want to pry, but I had to admit I was curious as much as I wanted to help.
"I haven't a clue," she sighed. "I assume it began with me…and the shock of being away from home and in a town where I knew no one. But there were…other things, as well. I refuse to be entirely to blame when it seems I am the only one who reaches out…these days."
"Ellen -"
Again, she cut me off. "Back in Rothdale, where I'm from, Martin and I were the talk of the town. And he did his best to impress me. The lengths he went to, to get my attention, I thought 'that must be it. No one could love me more than this.' It's shocking, how wrong one can be."
I smiled at the image of an even younger Ellen. I imagined her to be a fierce thing to behold, strong willed and radiant. "I bet you worked all the boys to their limits."
For the first time in my life, I heard Ellen Winters release a laugh. A full smile across her lips and the sound surrounding us completely, I knew immediately I was right. And I knew instantly that her beauty multiplied when she was truly happy.
"May I ask you something else?" I said.
"Yes, of course." Laughter still rippled through her voice, and I marveled at the sound.
As a friend, I simply wanted to see her smile and I was positive the surest way to do so was to talk about something I knew she loved. "Did you always want to be a librarian?"
A small hum escaped her throat before she answered. It was wistful and filled with pleasure. "No, not always. Really, I'd always seen myself in publishing. I'd dreamed of it, so vividly. But Martin…" she drifted at the name of her husband, caught herself and changed her words before I could contemplate how that sentence was meant to end. "Being a librarian is not so terrible. Surround by books all day? I struggle to find a more ideal alternative."
Once more she turned a corner and came to a stop in front of a house that I recognized as her home. I knew the area and realized we had come from the opposite direction than I had driven.
Bringing my eyes to hers, I studied her features. Beneath the sadness of the wife she had become and the love she felt she lost, the woman she used to be remained encased in the way her eyes seemed to shine when she smiled and I could not seem to stop myself from speaking.
"Ellen…you are still so very beautiful. Don't ever forget that."
She muttered a small thank you, and took my right hand in her left, giving a little squeeze before she turned to walk to her door.
This time, she did not appear to be so wounded. This time, she did so with a smile across her lips.
Author:
lalalive23 Rating: PG
Pairing: Bell/Dom and a few original characters.
Summary: AU. Matt and Dom are teachers at a local high school in 1954. They don't want their relationship to be discovered, especially by those they work with, even though they've been living together for nearly 4 years. This is the story of what happens when the school librarian discovers them.
Warning: Fluff and sadness
Feedback: It's my Kubrick, it's my Jesus.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. I don't make money off this. This never happened. I do, however, own the characters Ellen and Martin, and their respective family members/coworkers. They are mine, so please do not take them. I am willing to share if you want to collaborate on something, but otherwise no touchy plz!
Note: Well. Hello lovies. I know it's been forever since I've updated a fic, and by no means do I expect anyone to remember this story or where it left off. I wish I had a better reason for going 8 months without posting this, but I don't have one and all I can do is apologize. That said, I am back now - hopefully to stay. Thanks go to a new member of my beta crew,
seethedream, and my queenkaosspad for looking this over before they both went to bed; millionstar for reading this as it came to me and all the rest of you for existing. Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2A Chapter 2B Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8
Matthew
With fear nestled like serpents at the base of our spines, Dominic and I returned to the sixth form the following morning. Feeling like criminals, we reverted to our former pattern of avoiding any form of contact until we were concealed behind the doors of our home. We acted as though we did not know the other existed, hid ourselves from the library as though it was poison, and the agony of such a performance had birthed an ache in my bones before the day had finished. Instead of eyeing his welcoming eyes, I studied the arm of the ticking clock in my classroom and willed it to match the speed of my racing heart.
During free period, I imagined the chair behind my desk was a prison, and my jailor would not relieve me until the final bell had rung. Even on the opposite side of the building, I felt Dominic as though he were absorbed in the walls. Every attempt I made to focus on my work deteriorated as my vision blurred, and the paper before me became a vision of Dominic's smooth skin. These distractions were my only reprieve from the harsh reality of what our future faced and, occasionally, I felt as though my mind had connected with Dominic's on a metaphysical plane.
"Monsieur Bellamy?"
A small voice interrupted my fantasies, and I kicked my chair back in surprise as I straightened to view my private intruder. The sound echoed through the empty room before I took the opportunity to speak.
"Anita, do come in."
A wary smile spread across her lips and she came to stand before my desk with a hand nervously toying the curls of her dark hair. As a teacher, I watched and studied my students closely without capturing their attention. Throughout the past few months, I noticed the way she silently caught the eye of several boys in her class. She was pretty for her age, with large green eyes and a bright smile, and easily among the nicest girls in her year. Her quiet and kind demeanor won her plenty of friends, while her high intelligence and attention to detail in her studies won her favouritism among her tutors.
"I'm shocked to see you. You hardly need assistance with your work." I smiled brightly, hoping to break the tension that seemed to bristle her posture.
"No, it not that," she said softly, gazing at my name plaque. "I'd like to talk to you about the group project you assigned today."
"What about it?"
She hesitated, nibbling her bottom lip before her nerves settled and she brought her eyes to mine. "I'd like to be switched to another group."
I drew back a few centimeters. "That's quite unlike you. Has something happened?"
"No, not at all, but -" She cut herself off and then continued with a more worried expression on her features. "They aren't as advanced as I am. I'm not saying that to be cruel, it's just...the truth."
I smiled softly. "Anita, I put you in that group for that very reason. They will need someone like you to help them along."
She shuffled nervously, her Mary Janed feet rubbing together in awkward patterns. Her prolonged pause allowed me to notice that her fall uniform jacket was a size too big for her. "Sir, I do understand your logic, but I feel like they expect me to do their part for them. I simply don't have the time."
"Then you must be adamant that you will help and nothing more. I know you understand the language, and I would not give you a test like this if I thought you couldn't do it. I will see the difference in the work if you do it or if they do it without your help. And I would certainly not put you in this group if there was a chance your grade would suffer."
I ended my explanation with a sly grin, hoping she would understand my meaning.
Clever as always, Anita caught on swiftly, a slight blush tainting her cheeks. "You shouldn't play favourites, Monsieur Bellamy. It could get you in trouble."
Her words reminded me once again of dangerous game I had been playing even yesterday and I sighed heavily. "There are many things I could do to cause trouble, and I dare say that letting you know you are my favorite student is the most innocent of them all." I knew immediately I should not have said such a thing, and I withdrew my gaze from hers as I began to mindlessly adjust the papers that littered my desk.
She giggled softly, and I was thankful that she did not question my implication. "I promise to keep your secret," she whispered, with twinkling eyes.
My breath caught, trapped in my lungs at the indication of yet another guarded secret. My life, it seemed, was becoming an endless assortment of clandestine truths ranging from the perverse to the innocent, and I feared that I would soon lose track of those that warranted my trust. Merely nineteen hours before, Ellen had uttered those same words, heavy with honesty and I started to feel as though I was treading in treacherous waters. I hardly knew when I had become so reckless, tracing inappropriate lines with a student and placing everything I had built with Dominic in the hands of a lonely librarian. And still my only regret was that I could not confess these truths to everyone I encountered.
The memory of the previous evening forced my eyes to hazard a glance at the clock that had become my dearest companion. Free period was nearly over, and the oppressive weight that had clung to my chest for hours was lifted with every pass of the clock's second-hand. Positive that relief had enveloped my face in the most abrupt manner, I quickly masked my emotions with a polite smile and returned my gaze to the young girl before me.
"You should be getting home, your parents must be worried. I hardly think you ever stay so late at school." I finished my sentence quickly and began to gather my things, knowing that Dominic was merely a bell ring away, a short walk away, always at arms length.
"Yes, I should," Anita sighed, pulling at the shoulder strap of her leather messenger bag. "I'll do my best, Monsieur, but I admit I am rather unsure of my abilities to teach." Her final words ran in time with the chime of the bell.
Had it been any other day, there was no doubt in my mind that I would have talked at length about my confidence in her. She was brilliant, but her lack confidence in her own skills was, at once, both her strength and her weakness. However, acknowledging her final sentence meant I would remain separated from Dominic for moments longer, and the mere thought made my heart twist in despair. Momentarily, I was caught in a battle with my values as an educator and my desires as a lover. It was only after her smile faltered that I compromised with myself.
"Walk with me," I said, placing my diary and several folders of homework in my bag.
She followed me quietly through the door and down the hallways, eagerly listening as I assured her that she would be successful. In truth, I was only half paying attention to the words falling from my lips. My mind set on getting home, I navigated through the blurry sea of carmine sweaters and coats with only images of Dominic on my mind. How I managed to not confess any of my thoughts, with my brain in a daze and my being focused solely on one thing, was something of a miracle and I reminded myself as I exited the school building that I should not allow such a situation to occur again. Anita had kept up with ease, and hardly seemed to notice that she did not possess my full attention. She thanked me kindly, her body bowing in something of a small curtsey, before she blushed lightly and headed in the direction of her home.
Liberated from the presence of a student, I muttered Dominic's name to the wind, let it spread itself around me, and started off at a brisk walk. I was thankful that an autumn chill had consumed the air, as the fluttering of my heart had caused my temperature to rise. My cheeks began to burn in the cold, but I didn't mind. My footsteps on the pavement reminded me that I was swiftly working my way towards paradise and the soft pant of my breath was the symphony of my effort.
As I approached our driveway, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by joy at the sight of the car. I felt as though I could kiss the seat, knowing Dominic had been there minutes before. Fighting the urge, I made directly for our front door. Knowing it would be unlocked, I passed through the threshold and had barely made for it to close before Dominic was upon me, his lips covering my jaw.
Pressing myself against our door and shutting it with a satisfying click, I dropped my things and took him in my arms. His chest was heaving atop mine, hands pressing my face to his as we shared a frenzied and passionate kiss.
This was my reward. This was my true home. Feeling Dominic's mouth move in sync with mine, after what felt like an eternity of horrific loneliness, outweighed the hours of inner turmoil. I broke away from the kiss to press my nose into his neck, under his ear, and I simply breathed. With all the strength I could muster, I took him in. I wanted every drop of his essence, wanted to fill myself to the brim with his scent and hold it within me. My lungs welcomed him, my oxygen, and soon began to struggle to contain such unearthly perfection. Releasing a slow exhale, I felt the strands of his hair move across my skin with the flow of my breath.
"I can't do this," Dominic whispered, and for a moment my stomach began to drop. "I can't be away from you like this. How did we do this all those years ago?"
He cleaved to me, tightly, his lips grazing my skin as he spoke. Reveling in the sound of his voice, I took my time to answer as I let the sound drift over my body in light waves.
"I haven't the foggiest" I replied, quietly. "But I don't think I'll make it if I have to do it again."
"What do we do?" His fingers toyed idly with the hair at the base of my neck, and I knew it was a conversation we needed to have. We needed to sit and discuss our options. But breaking away from him felt as though it would cause me to crack my own rib, and I refused to let the tether that held us together snap.
Holding him close, I weighed our options in a quiet that contained nothing but our gasping breaths. To live another day like this, I was certain, would kill me. Our breaks between classes were scheduled differently, and so we could not plan to meet in the faculty lounge merely for conversation. There were scarce amount of places for us to remain in private, and so I turned, once again, to the memory of Ellen.
I knew well we could trust her, and I believed every word she was said bound in honesty. But I could not, in good conscience, allow myself and Dominic to return to the library without seeking her permission or talking with her about what contact she wanted to have with us in the future. And as my mind lingered on thoughts of the gentle librarian, I became haunted by the image of her sad eyes and quivering lips.
Ellen, so put together and prim on the grinds of the school, had fallen apart at the seams inside our car as soon as she became confronted by the steps to her door. I couldn't shake the memory and only felt a pull at my heart to reach out to her.
"We have to talk to Ellen," I said, finally. "The library is the only way for us to meet, the only conceivable way."
Dominic tensed briefly in my arms and then relaxed, a slight nod of his head rubbing against the crook of my neck. He curled into me, his fingers grasping at my coat in passive patterns.
"I don't know why," he began softly, "but I feel as though we can trust her."
I nodded quickly. "I believe her. Every word she said. She looked…so resolute in her defense of our relationship."
There was a brief silence between us, though it felt as though Ellen were in the room with us. Letting her into our home had changed the atmosphere, and we had spent the previous night in bed listening to her voice resonate off our walls. She was no intruder, but she was a friend that had been forced upon us in the most unceremonious of ways. She took it upon herself to protect us and, while she had yet to prove her loyalty, her faith in love proved that she would be our most ardent companion.
"Matt," Dom said after a few moments, "she looked so sad. She talked about love as though she didn't even deserve it."
I pulled him tight to my body, sealing the space between us so that not even air could penetrate our hold. "She's so alone. If you could have seen her, walking to her house. It looked as though I had sent her off to die. I don't ever want you to come home feeling like that."
"I could never," Dom said quickly. He pulled away slightly, turning his face to mine for the first time since I had been home, and I was finally greeted by his warm eyes. "She just needs a friend. I-I want to help her."
They were words he had uttered the evening before, as I held him close while we both wept our fears to one another. Only in this moment, they were not weighed down by despair, they were merely words of fierce desire and an urgency to provide Ellen with a confidant she needed.
I kissed him sweetly before tracing the edge of his bottom lip with my tongue. Making motions to leave the foyer, I took his hand in mine and guided him to the stairs. I wanted to drink my fill of him before we continued such a serious conversation.
"I promise," I said, running my thumb over the hills of his knuckles. "I will talk to her and make sure we never have to go through this again."
~
I kept my promise at the close of free period the next day, as I lingered outside the entrance to the library waiting for Ellen. Anxiety had settled within my veins, and I clung to the hope that she had not begun to regret her decision to help us. I wondered if, perhaps, allowing her over twenty-four hours had caused her to think too long on the words she had said so freely in our living room. A conservative woman, it was entirely possible Ellen would find it difficult to protect us for long.
Minutes after the bell had chimed, Ellen appeared in the hallway, turning toward the exit as she placed a book inside her bag. She had not noticed I was waiting for her, and I took the opportunity to admire the way her dark hair fell so neatly across her shoulders. Her red sweater and black skirt comprised one of her more daring outfits, and the colours looked so at home upon her body that I was astonished she hardly wore them at all.
"Ellen," I said, heading towards her before she could walk away from me.
She turned, startled by my voice, and quickly shut her bad to wait for me.
"Matthew, hello." She smiled politely and I found myself coming to a pause next to her questioning where to go next in our conversation.
"I wanted to talk to you," I said with an unsure waver in my voice.
Her smile faltered and her eyes became worried. "I promised, I mean - I told you I would keep your secret," she whispered. She looked frantically in the hallway, hoping no one heard her voice.
"No, no. It isn't - we trust you completely. But…" I drifted into silence, becoming wary of our location. I opened my mouth to speak, but quickly closed it again. "Let's move outside."
Ellen nodded and we walked in step towards the door. She did not seem so unsettled to be near me, on the contrary she seemed at ease with my presence. I caught brief glances of her profile, her jaw set firmly as she stepped onto the pavement to find a somewhat private area to talk. She pulled me towards the east of the school grounds and we set off on an undisclosed path that she decided we take. After walking a few blocks, she stopped near Knole Park and stood beneath what appeared to be an abandoned tube stop.
'We can talk quietly here," she said. "Hardly anyone comes to this area."
"We need to talk about where we go from here. What happens at the school, I mean." I nibbled my lip in worry, and hoped that she had more answers than I.
"You and Dominic," she said quietly. "You don't have to avoid the library, you know. I can watch you and if there are any eyes on you. I don't mind." She smiled sweetly before she cast her eyes to her feet and began again. "But please understand…I can't let you use the restricted room again. I can't let you risk all our careers like that."
Relief flooded my body and I placed my hands in my coat pocket to keep from hugging her without her permission. We merely smiled at one another and communication of thanks passed through our silence.
"May I walk you home?" I asked.
Ellen nodded quickly. "I'd quite like that."
She guided me north, navigating her way to her home while still remaining at my side. We walked slowly, neither feeling the need to rush. Our lull in conversation brought back the memory of her tears as I brought her home the first time, and I could no longer avoid the topic that weighed so heavily on her and, more recently, me.
"I'm sorry, but…I have to ask if you're alright. The other night -"
She cut me off. "Yes. The other night."
Words formed in my mind and died on my tongue as I tried to express my concern. It was such a difficult thing to ask, knowing it wasn't my place. But she had told me she had wanted a friend, and I had assured her it could be me. And so, I vocalized what was on my mind and attempted to remind her that I was not an enemy."You know - I want you to know. Dominic and I have to trust you, but…we'd like for you to trust us as well."
Turning a corner, she looked straight ahead while she spoke. "Would it be rude if I asked you a personal question?"
"I think we're well past the point of what we could consider rude," I laughed.
Ellen chuckled momentarily before speaking."Are there days," she said slowly, "when you simply don't have the strength to return home to Dominic? When you don't want anything to do with him?"
It was a not a question I had expected and it caught me off completely off guard. However, it was an easy question to answer, and so I told her the truth without sugar coating the way things were.
"Dom and I are far from perfect," I explained. "We have our fair share of arguments and fights, and there are days when he drives me crazy. But…I can't fight him for long. I can't bear to be at odds with him. I love him. I love him more than I love myself and my life on this Earth, and, so ,as much as we fight, I fight just as hard to keep him with me." I was quiet for a moment, but felt I had more to add. "Love will always win out in the end. Dom is the very light of my soul and it's just…it feels unnatural to be upset with him."
She let my words sink in and remained quiet for several moments as she gathered her words. The sound of her heels became a hypnotizing sound as I waited for her reply, if she had one at all.
"Martin and I weren't always like this, you know. You must - there was a time when we were happy. At least I thought we were." Her voice played with her words, as confidence seemed to guide her and then leave her so quickly before the end.
'What happened?" I did not want to pry, but I had to admit I was curious as much as I wanted to help.
"I haven't a clue," she sighed. "I assume it began with me…and the shock of being away from home and in a town where I knew no one. But there were…other things, as well. I refuse to be entirely to blame when it seems I am the only one who reaches out…these days."
"Ellen -"
Again, she cut me off. "Back in Rothdale, where I'm from, Martin and I were the talk of the town. And he did his best to impress me. The lengths he went to, to get my attention, I thought 'that must be it. No one could love me more than this.' It's shocking, how wrong one can be."
I smiled at the image of an even younger Ellen. I imagined her to be a fierce thing to behold, strong willed and radiant. "I bet you worked all the boys to their limits."
For the first time in my life, I heard Ellen Winters release a laugh. A full smile across her lips and the sound surrounding us completely, I knew immediately I was right. And I knew instantly that her beauty multiplied when she was truly happy.
"May I ask you something else?" I said.
"Yes, of course." Laughter still rippled through her voice, and I marveled at the sound.
As a friend, I simply wanted to see her smile and I was positive the surest way to do so was to talk about something I knew she loved. "Did you always want to be a librarian?"
A small hum escaped her throat before she answered. It was wistful and filled with pleasure. "No, not always. Really, I'd always seen myself in publishing. I'd dreamed of it, so vividly. But Martin…" she drifted at the name of her husband, caught herself and changed her words before I could contemplate how that sentence was meant to end. "Being a librarian is not so terrible. Surround by books all day? I struggle to find a more ideal alternative."
Once more she turned a corner and came to a stop in front of a house that I recognized as her home. I knew the area and realized we had come from the opposite direction than I had driven.
Bringing my eyes to hers, I studied her features. Beneath the sadness of the wife she had become and the love she felt she lost, the woman she used to be remained encased in the way her eyes seemed to shine when she smiled and I could not seem to stop myself from speaking.
"Ellen…you are still so very beautiful. Don't ever forget that."
She muttered a small thank you, and took my right hand in her left, giving a little squeeze before she turned to walk to her door.
This time, she did not appear to be so wounded. This time, she did so with a smile across her lips.
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Date: 2011-10-31 07:43 am (UTC)Again welcome back, MS is a much better place because of this!
♥
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Date: 2011-11-02 12:51 am (UTC)Thank you so much for returning to the fic. And I am so glad you feel the way you felt 8 months ago. You are so lovely <3 I can't thank you enough for your kindess. I'm so happy to have you as a loyal reader xx
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Date: 2011-10-31 10:58 am (UTC)Glad to see you're back. *snuggles you*
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Date: 2011-11-02 12:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-02 04:38 pm (UTC)I like her. She seems lovely. xxx
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Date: 2011-10-31 02:33 pm (UTC)Your writing is so gorgeous, really. It's beautiful.
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Date: 2011-11-02 12:52 am (UTC)Thanks so much for being a loyal reader. It means the world to me, I can't even. THANK YOU THANK YOU.
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Date: 2011-10-31 04:23 pm (UTC)I reread the last chapter and was pulled right back in, could remember everything straight away. Ah, Love with a capital L. :) How I long for you.
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Date: 2011-11-02 12:53 am (UTC)Love is the most elusive thing. It just slips through my fingers ;___;
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Date: 2011-11-02 12:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-31 06:15 pm (UTC)I wish I could write like you. You should be proud of this story, it´s pure poetry <3
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Date: 2011-11-02 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-31 10:18 pm (UTC)lovely! welcome back! ♥
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Date: 2011-11-02 12:56 am (UTC)I ADORE YOU EMILY <333 Thank you for being so loyal <3
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Date: 2011-11-01 12:36 am (UTC)I loved Anita and her interaction with Matthew. I like her!
If you could have seen her, walking to her house. It looked as though I had sent her off to die.
I just feel for them so much, but honestly in a lot of ways I feel for her even more! All I know is that I'm totally invested in all of them and I can't wait for more! <3
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Date: 2011-11-02 12:58 am (UTC)Ellen is my love. I adore her so much.
But not as much as I love you <333
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Date: 2011-11-01 01:46 am (UTC)I am SO glad to see this back! You know I'm a big fan of your stories, so this was such a peasant surprise... And what a great chapter... The highlight for me was the conversation between Matthew and Ellen. I adored the way you put it out :)
Thank you! *hugs*
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Date: 2011-11-02 01:00 am (UTC)Thank you so much for your kindness and loyalty after I've been away for ages. It means the absolutely world to me, I just can't say it enough.
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Date: 2011-11-05 12:35 am (UTC)You know how much I love your writing, the beautiful flow of words that paint emotional pictures. I missed your stories and your gorgeous user pics. xx
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Date: 2011-12-09 08:18 pm (UTC)i'm in love with this. ellen is such a strong woman. it's heartbreaking to see the way her life's going. she's sweet, kind, caring, smart. i cannot see why martin, or anyone, would lose interest in her. matthew and dominic are amazing for caring for her and i hope she finds in them the friends and confidants she needs.
these characters are so warm and sweet; matthew and dominic are beautiful. what these two share is something that i'd give anything to find; the magnitude of their love and affection for each other is gorgeous. i read passages of them together; their thoughts about each other and my heart fills with warmth. what they have is so special, unique and precious that it should not have to be hidden, because it's something that should never, ever be considered wrong. they way they need each other, almost like they wouldn't be able to survive if they were one more minute apart from each other, is gorgeous. i admire them to being able to keep it up for so many years. it's bittersweet, really, that they have so many restrictions, but at the end of the day, i believe that their love can beat anything.
i should really shut up now. but, AMAZING JOB, YOU! <3