The Long Surrender: 20/??
Feb. 23rd, 2011 02:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lalalive23Title: The Long Surrender
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lalalive23
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG
Warning: Fluff and sadness
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: YAY. Beginning of part 3 :D I've mentioned before to a few of you that Part 3 of this story is the most well drafted thing I have ever created in my life. Some time in December, I hashed out exactly where I wanted this story to go, right down to the exact chapter number I thought it would end in. The number has changed, since I've changed the pacing, but the events are still the same. This part will fly by because of this, so I want to break it up as much as possible. I don't want it to end :( :( ALSO. I would like to draw everyone's attention to the TLS Interview Post! If you ever had a question for the boys, Julia, Vida, or even Ian, go ahead an ask. The post itself details what is acceptable to ask and what I'd encourage you to ask. So feel free to post some if you like. That said, I want to give roses, chocolate, Dom Howard, and a tank of confetti tosheerpoetry who, in the absence of sunshine_173 who has been busy with life, has become an extremely special part of the TLS team. She is, again, and angel. To all of my readers and commenters, I love you <3. I've received loads of new commenters recently and all I can say is YAY!!! I LOVE SEEING ALL YOUR FACES <333
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14A Chapter 14B Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19
Hours later, in pink hues of sunset, Dominic sat on his bed staring blankly at the ceiling. Breathing shallowly into his chest, he felt nothing as he stared blankly at the cascade of colours on the white paint above him. Crumpled on the floor of his kitchen he had milked all of the emotion he could manage from his body in the form of hot tears. They had brimmed over, spilling onto the hardwood and soaking into his clothes. Now dry, his clothes felt constricting. The walls felt too close and as if they were whispering secrets into the air. Everything was a prison, and he was prisoner of his own guilt.
As he rested on the crisp bed sheets, he mulled over the paradox he found himself in. He wanted to be alone, but he didn't want to be alone. With no desire to speak at all, all he wanted to do was scream, yell, and be more vocal than he had been in his entire life.
And in the silence of the tomb that had come to take the shape of his bedroom, there was only one sound he yearned to hear.
He only moved his arm, hand still holding his mobile as he scrolled through his contacts to find the one he was looking for.
The line only rang twice before it was answered.
"I'm glad you called." Matthew sounded slightly relieved that Dominic had gotten into contact so soon after leaving, exhaling a sigh that sounded breathless and beautiful.
"I really needed to hear your voice," Dominic admitted. He wanted to be alone, remain alone until he could bring himself to leave the flat with some semblance of confidence and pride, but he sought comfort from Matthew like a child to its mother. In the deafening quiet of his flat, he needed Matthew to support him, to calm him, not as a lover but as the friend he never thought he would need.
"How are you?" Matthew's question came softly, concerned and utterly sincere. He was begging for the truth.
"It's strange, it's like I keep touching things that were hers. It makes me feel close to her again." Rolling over onto his side, Dominic pressed the phone to his ear as he spoke the words. Curled in on himself, he allowed the odd sensation of numbness to pass over him. Fingering the sheets beneath him, he studied their crisp whiteness, remembering briefly how Julia never made the bed. It was more comfortable that way.
"I did that after Evan left," Matthew whispered softly. "It's like the little pieces they leave behind bring you that much closer to them."
"Matt, it's like she's still here. I can feel her." Dominic's whisper came heavy and raspy, his eyes scanning the walls of pictures, now looking antiquated and archaic in the aftermath of their fight. "I know that you redid your flat but...I don't want her to go, just yet."
"No one is telling you to change things so quickly, Dom. You can't get rid of her that easily, and you shouldn't." It was a soft and gentle reply, and behind the words Dominic could hear ruffling. He wondered briefly if Matthew was on his bed just as he was. I comforted him to think that they were doing the same thing at the same time.
His free hand wiped across his forehead as he shut his eyes, his expression forming an accidental grimace. "I never wanted her to think that I stopped loving her. I did love her, I do love her. She was my best friend, you know? Just because the love wasn't the same doesn't mean it wasn't there."
For a brief moment, Matthew said nothing. But the pause was pregnant, and Dominic waited patiently for the reply. "I really think...you're always going to love her, and be in love with her a little."
Dominic didn't protest or whine or object as he listened to Matthew's reply. He knew it was absolutely true. But it was something he felt he should turn to ask Matthew, as it was something he never thought about before.
The words rolled around in his mouth before he spoke them, not wanting to upset Matthew into thinking it was an accusation. "Are you still in love with Evan?" he asked quietly.
Matthew said nothing and, through the phone, Dominic could hear him breathing evenly as he thought his answer over. The gentle rhythm signaled to him that Matthew didn't mind the question returning to him."I don't know, really. I don't think so. I wouldn't know unless I saw him," he said thoughtfully. "I think somewhere, a part of me will always love him regardless of how angry I am with him, or how much I could try to hate him. Those pieces of yourself always remain, because that other person touched you so deeply. The connection is always there even if you don't feel it...or don't let yourself feel it. But no, I don't think I'm in love with him anymore."
As Matthew spoke, Dominic brought his hand to rest on the pillow beneath his face. Fingers twitching, he latched onto the idea that Matthew had briefly touched on: reconnection. "Did you ever try to call him? You know, after he left?"
He already knew the answer, as Matthew had mentioned it a few times before. But he wanted to ask again, wanted to comfort himself in the ways of Matthew's initial healing patterns. It also served as a subject shift, giving him an opening to discuss something burning in the back on his mind.
"A few times after the initial break up, yeah," Matthew replied easily. "He never answered, and I don't know what I would have said if he had. I wanted an explanation, but I don't think that's exactly what I was hoping for. I guess I thought that if he explained his reasons to me, it would give me a chance to argue why he made a mistake. So that we could try again, you know?"
Cautiously, Dominic spoke exactly what he was thinking. "I want to call her, but I don't even know what I could say to make her...I don't even know. She'll never forgive me." He sighed in frustration, realizing how silly he sounded as he spoke.
He heard Matthew swallow before he spoke. "That's quite touchy, to be honest. Everyone has different opinions about it. 'Yes, you should call' or 'no, you absolutely shouldn't.' I wouldn't do it right away though, if you do. Give yourself some time to see if it's the right thing for you to do."
Matthew's logic was so simple and so clear. It was the cool understanding of someone speaking from experience and hind sight. As Dominic took his advice to heart, he felt an ache grow in the spot next to it.
Not speaking to Julia meant that he had lost his biggest confidant, someone who knew the ins and outs of him sometimes better than he knew himself. As if she were a pole in the orbit of his life, she kept him balanced, centered and focused, on a proper course through his journey. Without her kind voice of reason, he felt as though he were utterly lost.
"I'm going to miss her voice. See!" he exclaimed, beating his hand into the pillow as he turned over in frustration. "Even saying that makes me feel guilty!"I can't miss her body, or her lips, or the way she loved me. I'm missing the way she always knew exactly what to say, and how she was always so supportive and right. I want to miss everything else, but I can't."
"You're missing her exactly the way you should," Matthew said. There was a sweetness to his voice that made statement sound strange as it was the most firmly stated thing he had said through the course of the conversation. "If you miss the physical things you had with her, you're just missing lust. But you're missing the things about her that made her an incredible person. Those are the things you miss when you love someone."
For the next few minutes, they sat in silence, content to let Matthew's words soak in as they listened to the other's breath. There was no longer any need to speak, merely the connection they felt through the phone made it almost as if they were together.
Eventually, Dominic began to whisper something that he had noticed during his once over of the flat after his tears had subsided. "She took her set of keys. I can't find them anywhere," he said absentmindedly. "It kind of makes me feel like I might get to see her again. One day."
"You might. You never know," Matthew said quietly. "Maybe someday you both could talk it out."
"I want you to know that none of this changes how I feel about you. It doesn't." It was an abrupt shift in topic, but Dominic felt it was necessary to be stated. "I can miss her and still want to be with you."
"I know. That's what was happening when I first met you," Matthew conceded. "But I think you see what I'm saying about going slow. I mean...I'm in this too. I don't want to be your rebound. And I know that you say you've wanted this for a while, and again, I believe you when I say that. But the fear is still there." The slowness and hesitancy with which Matthew spoke the words made Dominic's heart clench.
"What can I do to make you realize that missing Julia is missing a friend, and wanting you is something completely different?" Dominic whispered softly.
"Dom, I've been hurt, badly." There was a tone to Matthew's voice that made it sound as though he could cry. It made Dominic feel sick. "My desire to proceed with caution is as much for you as it is for me. I don't want to go through that again because...something tells me it would hurt more this time around."
"I'm going to spend months making you realize that it won't, aren't I?" Dominic chuckled for fear of weeping once more.
"I don't mean to be cruel," Matthew whispered in a heavy breath, "but six months ago you could have said the same thing to Julia. A year ago, Evan said the same thing to me. Starting any relationship is a risk, and I know we're both willing to take it. But, for right now, we shouldn't be too sure of anything."
In the interim of his words, Dominic let them dissolve into his being. Though he wanted to, he couldn't argue with the statement. To be frank, he didn't have the energy to even try. Six months ago, he was mustering up the courage to buy a diamond ring, mustering up the strength to plan a proposal speech. Six months ago, he didn't need to be reassured that Julia was the woman he wanted to spend his life with, he just knew.
The past two months whirled before him in a haze of confusion, change, doubt, regret and lust. So much had happened that he felt as though he's been turned upside down and shaken, violently. The most frightening thought of all was that it could just as easily happen again.
"What are we, Matthew?" Dominic asked as he pulled himself form his thoughts. "What exactly...is this."
There was a short length of time before Matthew spoke, the brunet clearly processing and mulling over his own thoughts and definitions. "I don't think we need a label. Not yet, really. I don't - we're two people, Dom. Two people who want each other and feel for each other more deeply than we know how to handle or define just yet. I think that's enough. Don't you?"
It was. It was absolutely enough.
~~~~~
Three weeks later, Dominic walked beside Matthew en route to Ian's studio. Their fingers entwined, Dominic found it difficult to break the smile that was tugging at the corners of his lips.
Over the course of the weeks, they had done little more than hold hands, only sharing a kiss in a gesture of goodbye. The slowness was agonizing, Dominic had to admit, his desires wanting nothing more than to push full steam ahead into the realms of the unexplored territories of lust. But he could not deny that their cautious pursuit of romance made Dominic feel exquisitely connected to Matthew. As they took their relationship one step at a time, Dominic learned Matthew inside and out, learned intimate details of his youth.
"He was my first crush," Matthew giggled. "First real, big crush. Andy Parkins. Jesus, I was 15."
Dominic rested his head on Matthew's shoulder, relaxing against his form as they rested on Matthew's enormous bed. "I never took you to liking a footballer," he laughed.
"What did you think I liked?" Matthew asked, turned his head down to his shoulder to look at Dom.
"I don't know," the blonde shrugged. "Not beefy blokes, but more...delicate, artsy types." He brought his grey eyes up to Matthew's piercing blue, his mouth curling into a small grin.
"You make them sound like flowers," Matthew snorted as he dropped his head back into the pillow.
"No!" Dom exclaimed sitting up. He paused, a wicked grin flashing across his face before he turned serious."Do you like 'flowers?'"
"I don't have a type, really. I like Spanish flowers." Matthew said the words with an insinuating grin.
"Should I be worried?" Dominic asked coyly, coming to rest back on Matthew's shoulder.
"No, you have nothing to worry about, my English primrose."
"Oi! Cheeky!" Dominic prodded his fingers into Matthew's ribs, eliciting a delicious and high pitched squeal from the brunet.
But the extent of their sharing went both ways, and Dominic found himself reliving pieces of his life he thought only Julia would ever know.
"I hated him for leaving. To be honest, I think I hated him long before he even tried to leave."
They sat on his couch, Dominic feeling as though he needed company in his newly empty flat. It was the first time Matthew had entered the space and after they shared a dessert of raspberry cheesecake, they found themselves sitting on opposite ends toes touching and stroking absentmindedly.
"How old were you?" Matthew asked, delicately.
"17. It was for the best, really. He was so disappointed with me, and he blamed my mum for everything that was 'wrong' with me." Dominic looked at his empty plate as he continued. "She begged him to stay, but then he admitted that he cheated on her. He hadn't wanted to stay long before the possibility of their marriage ending made itself known to my mother." He toyed with the small crumbs with his fork, cutting them with the tip to make them even smaller.
"I'm so sorry, Dom," Matthew whispered, his toes pressing into the bridge of Dom's right, bare foot.
He shrugged. "It's not your fault. It's not one's fault but his, really. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't mine, though he did everything he could to make me believe that."
Matthew looked around the living room, staring out the large picture window before he decided to speak. "I'm glad you didn't believe him." He offered Dom a warm smile that made the blonde feel as though he were glowing. For the second time in his life, he was glad he didn't believe him too.
Energy rippled off of Matthew, flowing from his hand and into his heart. The contentedness he felt with matthew at his side only seemed to dissipate when he returned home, his loneliness in the dark making him think of Julia. In recent days, the wound in his soul had begun to scab over, the searing pain he felt as he laid in bed becoming something of a dull ache.
He looked to his feet as he walked, feeling Matthew's smile without having to see it. He ran his pinky over Matthew's knuckle, enjoying the squeeze to his hand he received whenever he did so.
The said nothing, nor did they feel they need to. There was an aura of calmness around them that put Dominic's soul at ease, and as they neared Ian's studio he hardly felt the need to break away.
The approached the door, hands still joined. Matthew didn't bother to question their state as he pulled open the door and they continued down the hall together, eager to meet Ian for their final session. Matthew's demo was near complete, the process of cleaning up the vocals happening that afternoon. Through the palm of his hand, he could feel the brunet's excitement and, in truth, he was just as eager. It was partly his own selfish wishes to keep a copy for himself to listen to in the privacy his own home. SOmething about always having Matthew's voice at hand was impossibly comforting, and also wholly erotic.
Pushing through the door to the recording room, they found Ian seated at the desk, already prepared. Their hands broke apart just before Ian could turn to face them completely, and Dominic felt a small amount of panic run through him as he wondered if they had been seen before he had been given a chance to explain the situation.
"Hey!" Ian said brightly. "Are you ready?" He addressed Matthew, who nodded with a beaming smile.
Dominic sat on the couch that was his place of residence during the recording sessions. He usually faded into the atmosphere of the room, remaining unnoticed until the end. Having no knowledge of music or the industry, he would remain quiet and say nothing, though, he smiled at the thought of how different this session would be.
For weeks he had been entering the studio as though it was a prison sentence, his body feeling as though it were trapped under the weight and sensuality of Matthew's voice. He had been riddled with guilt, forcing himself not to listen and escaping to the bathroom in an attempt to ignore the things that were happening around him. In a stark contrast to those, what now seemed distant and blurry, days, Dominic sat in his usual place with newfound vigor.
With the freedom of a new lover, he watched Matthew record his own backing vocals, smile and nod with big eyes; those of a wondrous child. His heart sank, realizing that these moments, the moments of Matthew's humbled excitement were drifting to come to an end. The demo was nearly complete, and once more Dominic would find himself sharing Matthew's voice with innumerable strangers in a hazy audience.
It seemed to come to a close all to quickly, though it couldn't be helped. Matthew was an extremely efficient worker, something of a one take wonder and Ian knew exactly how to milk the best from him. As Matthew slipped through the door that separated them, he came to rest next to Dominic, their hands lingering near by, not touching but, close enough to feel the heat radiating from their skin.
"I'm gonna send this to my mate in publishing and he'll print a few hundred copies," Ian said as he turned in his chair to look them. "You'll get them in about a month and then I highly suggest you sell them at whatever gig you do. Do you have a website?"
Matthew hook his head, no.
"Make one, if you can. Make it look professional," Ian advised. "You can sell your demo there, too. I also highly suggest you book a gig in London. I know you had residency at that club in Spain, but it doesn't hurt to have a following in both places."
Dominic felt Matthew bristle at the suggestion, and he knew it was exactly because the last time he had had sex, was the last time he played a gig in England. And he knew that it was with Evan.
"I think it's gonna be great, mate, seriously. It's so solid." Ian nodded habitually as he spoke. "You really could have made a comprehensive album, which is astonishing."
Matthew shook his knee anxiously, his whole body fidgeting, a natural and endearing tick. "It feels so weird for it to be over. I can't think you enough. Both of you." He looked from Dom to Ian and back again, the childish glow on his face still present. "I never expected to have anything like this, ever."
"You deserve it," Dominic said simply. He wished their hands were touching so he could give Matthew's fingers a reassuring squeeze.
"I guess that's it then. I'll ring you both some time next week so we can go over art. I'm assuming just simple photography, yeah?" Ian asked.
Matthew nodded. "It's all I can afford, really."
"That's fine. No one is expecting you to have a concept album," he laughed.
They said their goodbyes, bright smiles and a sense of accomplishment filling them to the brim. As they turned to walk out the door, Dominic made no attempt to reach for Matthew's hand. It was as though he could feel Ian's stare burning into his spine, the words 'what about Julia?' etching imaginary lines into his flesh.
Author:
lalalive23 Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG
Warning: Fluff and sadness
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: YAY. Beginning of part 3 :D I've mentioned before to a few of you that Part 3 of this story is the most well drafted thing I have ever created in my life. Some time in December, I hashed out exactly where I wanted this story to go, right down to the exact chapter number I thought it would end in. The number has changed, since I've changed the pacing, but the events are still the same. This part will fly by because of this, so I want to break it up as much as possible. I don't want it to end :( :( ALSO. I would like to draw everyone's attention to the TLS Interview Post! If you ever had a question for the boys, Julia, Vida, or even Ian, go ahead an ask. The post itself details what is acceptable to ask and what I'd encourage you to ask. So feel free to post some if you like. That said, I want to give roses, chocolate, Dom Howard, and a tank of confetti to
sheerpoetry who, in the absence of sunshine_173 who has been busy with life, has become an extremely special part of the TLS team. She is, again, and angel. To all of my readers and commenters, I love you <3. I've received loads of new commenters recently and all I can say is YAY!!! I LOVE SEEING ALL YOUR FACES <333Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14A Chapter 14B Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19
Hours later, in pink hues of sunset, Dominic sat on his bed staring blankly at the ceiling. Breathing shallowly into his chest, he felt nothing as he stared blankly at the cascade of colours on the white paint above him. Crumpled on the floor of his kitchen he had milked all of the emotion he could manage from his body in the form of hot tears. They had brimmed over, spilling onto the hardwood and soaking into his clothes. Now dry, his clothes felt constricting. The walls felt too close and as if they were whispering secrets into the air. Everything was a prison, and he was prisoner of his own guilt.
As he rested on the crisp bed sheets, he mulled over the paradox he found himself in. He wanted to be alone, but he didn't want to be alone. With no desire to speak at all, all he wanted to do was scream, yell, and be more vocal than he had been in his entire life.
And in the silence of the tomb that had come to take the shape of his bedroom, there was only one sound he yearned to hear.
He only moved his arm, hand still holding his mobile as he scrolled through his contacts to find the one he was looking for.
The line only rang twice before it was answered.
"I'm glad you called." Matthew sounded slightly relieved that Dominic had gotten into contact so soon after leaving, exhaling a sigh that sounded breathless and beautiful.
"I really needed to hear your voice," Dominic admitted. He wanted to be alone, remain alone until he could bring himself to leave the flat with some semblance of confidence and pride, but he sought comfort from Matthew like a child to its mother. In the deafening quiet of his flat, he needed Matthew to support him, to calm him, not as a lover but as the friend he never thought he would need.
"How are you?" Matthew's question came softly, concerned and utterly sincere. He was begging for the truth.
"It's strange, it's like I keep touching things that were hers. It makes me feel close to her again." Rolling over onto his side, Dominic pressed the phone to his ear as he spoke the words. Curled in on himself, he allowed the odd sensation of numbness to pass over him. Fingering the sheets beneath him, he studied their crisp whiteness, remembering briefly how Julia never made the bed. It was more comfortable that way.
"I did that after Evan left," Matthew whispered softly. "It's like the little pieces they leave behind bring you that much closer to them."
"Matt, it's like she's still here. I can feel her." Dominic's whisper came heavy and raspy, his eyes scanning the walls of pictures, now looking antiquated and archaic in the aftermath of their fight. "I know that you redid your flat but...I don't want her to go, just yet."
"No one is telling you to change things so quickly, Dom. You can't get rid of her that easily, and you shouldn't." It was a soft and gentle reply, and behind the words Dominic could hear ruffling. He wondered briefly if Matthew was on his bed just as he was. I comforted him to think that they were doing the same thing at the same time.
His free hand wiped across his forehead as he shut his eyes, his expression forming an accidental grimace. "I never wanted her to think that I stopped loving her. I did love her, I do love her. She was my best friend, you know? Just because the love wasn't the same doesn't mean it wasn't there."
For a brief moment, Matthew said nothing. But the pause was pregnant, and Dominic waited patiently for the reply. "I really think...you're always going to love her, and be in love with her a little."
Dominic didn't protest or whine or object as he listened to Matthew's reply. He knew it was absolutely true. But it was something he felt he should turn to ask Matthew, as it was something he never thought about before.
The words rolled around in his mouth before he spoke them, not wanting to upset Matthew into thinking it was an accusation. "Are you still in love with Evan?" he asked quietly.
Matthew said nothing and, through the phone, Dominic could hear him breathing evenly as he thought his answer over. The gentle rhythm signaled to him that Matthew didn't mind the question returning to him."I don't know, really. I don't think so. I wouldn't know unless I saw him," he said thoughtfully. "I think somewhere, a part of me will always love him regardless of how angry I am with him, or how much I could try to hate him. Those pieces of yourself always remain, because that other person touched you so deeply. The connection is always there even if you don't feel it...or don't let yourself feel it. But no, I don't think I'm in love with him anymore."
As Matthew spoke, Dominic brought his hand to rest on the pillow beneath his face. Fingers twitching, he latched onto the idea that Matthew had briefly touched on: reconnection. "Did you ever try to call him? You know, after he left?"
He already knew the answer, as Matthew had mentioned it a few times before. But he wanted to ask again, wanted to comfort himself in the ways of Matthew's initial healing patterns. It also served as a subject shift, giving him an opening to discuss something burning in the back on his mind.
"A few times after the initial break up, yeah," Matthew replied easily. "He never answered, and I don't know what I would have said if he had. I wanted an explanation, but I don't think that's exactly what I was hoping for. I guess I thought that if he explained his reasons to me, it would give me a chance to argue why he made a mistake. So that we could try again, you know?"
Cautiously, Dominic spoke exactly what he was thinking. "I want to call her, but I don't even know what I could say to make her...I don't even know. She'll never forgive me." He sighed in frustration, realizing how silly he sounded as he spoke.
He heard Matthew swallow before he spoke. "That's quite touchy, to be honest. Everyone has different opinions about it. 'Yes, you should call' or 'no, you absolutely shouldn't.' I wouldn't do it right away though, if you do. Give yourself some time to see if it's the right thing for you to do."
Matthew's logic was so simple and so clear. It was the cool understanding of someone speaking from experience and hind sight. As Dominic took his advice to heart, he felt an ache grow in the spot next to it.
Not speaking to Julia meant that he had lost his biggest confidant, someone who knew the ins and outs of him sometimes better than he knew himself. As if she were a pole in the orbit of his life, she kept him balanced, centered and focused, on a proper course through his journey. Without her kind voice of reason, he felt as though he were utterly lost.
"I'm going to miss her voice. See!" he exclaimed, beating his hand into the pillow as he turned over in frustration. "Even saying that makes me feel guilty!"I can't miss her body, or her lips, or the way she loved me. I'm missing the way she always knew exactly what to say, and how she was always so supportive and right. I want to miss everything else, but I can't."
"You're missing her exactly the way you should," Matthew said. There was a sweetness to his voice that made statement sound strange as it was the most firmly stated thing he had said through the course of the conversation. "If you miss the physical things you had with her, you're just missing lust. But you're missing the things about her that made her an incredible person. Those are the things you miss when you love someone."
For the next few minutes, they sat in silence, content to let Matthew's words soak in as they listened to the other's breath. There was no longer any need to speak, merely the connection they felt through the phone made it almost as if they were together.
Eventually, Dominic began to whisper something that he had noticed during his once over of the flat after his tears had subsided. "She took her set of keys. I can't find them anywhere," he said absentmindedly. "It kind of makes me feel like I might get to see her again. One day."
"You might. You never know," Matthew said quietly. "Maybe someday you both could talk it out."
"I want you to know that none of this changes how I feel about you. It doesn't." It was an abrupt shift in topic, but Dominic felt it was necessary to be stated. "I can miss her and still want to be with you."
"I know. That's what was happening when I first met you," Matthew conceded. "But I think you see what I'm saying about going slow. I mean...I'm in this too. I don't want to be your rebound. And I know that you say you've wanted this for a while, and again, I believe you when I say that. But the fear is still there." The slowness and hesitancy with which Matthew spoke the words made Dominic's heart clench.
"What can I do to make you realize that missing Julia is missing a friend, and wanting you is something completely different?" Dominic whispered softly.
"Dom, I've been hurt, badly." There was a tone to Matthew's voice that made it sound as though he could cry. It made Dominic feel sick. "My desire to proceed with caution is as much for you as it is for me. I don't want to go through that again because...something tells me it would hurt more this time around."
"I'm going to spend months making you realize that it won't, aren't I?" Dominic chuckled for fear of weeping once more.
"I don't mean to be cruel," Matthew whispered in a heavy breath, "but six months ago you could have said the same thing to Julia. A year ago, Evan said the same thing to me. Starting any relationship is a risk, and I know we're both willing to take it. But, for right now, we shouldn't be too sure of anything."
In the interim of his words, Dominic let them dissolve into his being. Though he wanted to, he couldn't argue with the statement. To be frank, he didn't have the energy to even try. Six months ago, he was mustering up the courage to buy a diamond ring, mustering up the strength to plan a proposal speech. Six months ago, he didn't need to be reassured that Julia was the woman he wanted to spend his life with, he just knew.
The past two months whirled before him in a haze of confusion, change, doubt, regret and lust. So much had happened that he felt as though he's been turned upside down and shaken, violently. The most frightening thought of all was that it could just as easily happen again.
"What are we, Matthew?" Dominic asked as he pulled himself form his thoughts. "What exactly...is this."
There was a short length of time before Matthew spoke, the brunet clearly processing and mulling over his own thoughts and definitions. "I don't think we need a label. Not yet, really. I don't - we're two people, Dom. Two people who want each other and feel for each other more deeply than we know how to handle or define just yet. I think that's enough. Don't you?"
It was. It was absolutely enough.
~~~~~
Three weeks later, Dominic walked beside Matthew en route to Ian's studio. Their fingers entwined, Dominic found it difficult to break the smile that was tugging at the corners of his lips.
Over the course of the weeks, they had done little more than hold hands, only sharing a kiss in a gesture of goodbye. The slowness was agonizing, Dominic had to admit, his desires wanting nothing more than to push full steam ahead into the realms of the unexplored territories of lust. But he could not deny that their cautious pursuit of romance made Dominic feel exquisitely connected to Matthew. As they took their relationship one step at a time, Dominic learned Matthew inside and out, learned intimate details of his youth.
"He was my first crush," Matthew giggled. "First real, big crush. Andy Parkins. Jesus, I was 15."
Dominic rested his head on Matthew's shoulder, relaxing against his form as they rested on Matthew's enormous bed. "I never took you to liking a footballer," he laughed.
"What did you think I liked?" Matthew asked, turned his head down to his shoulder to look at Dom.
"I don't know," the blonde shrugged. "Not beefy blokes, but more...delicate, artsy types." He brought his grey eyes up to Matthew's piercing blue, his mouth curling into a small grin.
"You make them sound like flowers," Matthew snorted as he dropped his head back into the pillow.
"No!" Dom exclaimed sitting up. He paused, a wicked grin flashing across his face before he turned serious."Do you like 'flowers?'"
"I don't have a type, really. I like Spanish flowers." Matthew said the words with an insinuating grin.
"Should I be worried?" Dominic asked coyly, coming to rest back on Matthew's shoulder.
"No, you have nothing to worry about, my English primrose."
"Oi! Cheeky!" Dominic prodded his fingers into Matthew's ribs, eliciting a delicious and high pitched squeal from the brunet.
But the extent of their sharing went both ways, and Dominic found himself reliving pieces of his life he thought only Julia would ever know.
"I hated him for leaving. To be honest, I think I hated him long before he even tried to leave."
They sat on his couch, Dominic feeling as though he needed company in his newly empty flat. It was the first time Matthew had entered the space and after they shared a dessert of raspberry cheesecake, they found themselves sitting on opposite ends toes touching and stroking absentmindedly.
"How old were you?" Matthew asked, delicately.
"17. It was for the best, really. He was so disappointed with me, and he blamed my mum for everything that was 'wrong' with me." Dominic looked at his empty plate as he continued. "She begged him to stay, but then he admitted that he cheated on her. He hadn't wanted to stay long before the possibility of their marriage ending made itself known to my mother." He toyed with the small crumbs with his fork, cutting them with the tip to make them even smaller.
"I'm so sorry, Dom," Matthew whispered, his toes pressing into the bridge of Dom's right, bare foot.
He shrugged. "It's not your fault. It's not one's fault but his, really. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't mine, though he did everything he could to make me believe that."
Matthew looked around the living room, staring out the large picture window before he decided to speak. "I'm glad you didn't believe him." He offered Dom a warm smile that made the blonde feel as though he were glowing. For the second time in his life, he was glad he didn't believe him too.
Energy rippled off of Matthew, flowing from his hand and into his heart. The contentedness he felt with matthew at his side only seemed to dissipate when he returned home, his loneliness in the dark making him think of Julia. In recent days, the wound in his soul had begun to scab over, the searing pain he felt as he laid in bed becoming something of a dull ache.
He looked to his feet as he walked, feeling Matthew's smile without having to see it. He ran his pinky over Matthew's knuckle, enjoying the squeeze to his hand he received whenever he did so.
The said nothing, nor did they feel they need to. There was an aura of calmness around them that put Dominic's soul at ease, and as they neared Ian's studio he hardly felt the need to break away.
The approached the door, hands still joined. Matthew didn't bother to question their state as he pulled open the door and they continued down the hall together, eager to meet Ian for their final session. Matthew's demo was near complete, the process of cleaning up the vocals happening that afternoon. Through the palm of his hand, he could feel the brunet's excitement and, in truth, he was just as eager. It was partly his own selfish wishes to keep a copy for himself to listen to in the privacy his own home. SOmething about always having Matthew's voice at hand was impossibly comforting, and also wholly erotic.
Pushing through the door to the recording room, they found Ian seated at the desk, already prepared. Their hands broke apart just before Ian could turn to face them completely, and Dominic felt a small amount of panic run through him as he wondered if they had been seen before he had been given a chance to explain the situation.
"Hey!" Ian said brightly. "Are you ready?" He addressed Matthew, who nodded with a beaming smile.
Dominic sat on the couch that was his place of residence during the recording sessions. He usually faded into the atmosphere of the room, remaining unnoticed until the end. Having no knowledge of music or the industry, he would remain quiet and say nothing, though, he smiled at the thought of how different this session would be.
For weeks he had been entering the studio as though it was a prison sentence, his body feeling as though it were trapped under the weight and sensuality of Matthew's voice. He had been riddled with guilt, forcing himself not to listen and escaping to the bathroom in an attempt to ignore the things that were happening around him. In a stark contrast to those, what now seemed distant and blurry, days, Dominic sat in his usual place with newfound vigor.
With the freedom of a new lover, he watched Matthew record his own backing vocals, smile and nod with big eyes; those of a wondrous child. His heart sank, realizing that these moments, the moments of Matthew's humbled excitement were drifting to come to an end. The demo was nearly complete, and once more Dominic would find himself sharing Matthew's voice with innumerable strangers in a hazy audience.
It seemed to come to a close all to quickly, though it couldn't be helped. Matthew was an extremely efficient worker, something of a one take wonder and Ian knew exactly how to milk the best from him. As Matthew slipped through the door that separated them, he came to rest next to Dominic, their hands lingering near by, not touching but, close enough to feel the heat radiating from their skin.
"I'm gonna send this to my mate in publishing and he'll print a few hundred copies," Ian said as he turned in his chair to look them. "You'll get them in about a month and then I highly suggest you sell them at whatever gig you do. Do you have a website?"
Matthew hook his head, no.
"Make one, if you can. Make it look professional," Ian advised. "You can sell your demo there, too. I also highly suggest you book a gig in London. I know you had residency at that club in Spain, but it doesn't hurt to have a following in both places."
Dominic felt Matthew bristle at the suggestion, and he knew it was exactly because the last time he had had sex, was the last time he played a gig in England. And he knew that it was with Evan.
"I think it's gonna be great, mate, seriously. It's so solid." Ian nodded habitually as he spoke. "You really could have made a comprehensive album, which is astonishing."
Matthew shook his knee anxiously, his whole body fidgeting, a natural and endearing tick. "It feels so weird for it to be over. I can't think you enough. Both of you." He looked from Dom to Ian and back again, the childish glow on his face still present. "I never expected to have anything like this, ever."
"You deserve it," Dominic said simply. He wished their hands were touching so he could give Matthew's fingers a reassuring squeeze.
"I guess that's it then. I'll ring you both some time next week so we can go over art. I'm assuming just simple photography, yeah?" Ian asked.
Matthew nodded. "It's all I can afford, really."
"That's fine. No one is expecting you to have a concept album," he laughed.
They said their goodbyes, bright smiles and a sense of accomplishment filling them to the brim. As they turned to walk out the door, Dominic made no attempt to reach for Matthew's hand. It was as though he could feel Ian's stare burning into his spine, the words 'what about Julia?' etching imaginary lines into his flesh.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 07:34 am (UTC)I'm going to bed happy tonight. :)
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 08:11 am (UTC)I love Matt's honest and calm reassurance on the phone.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 09:11 am (UTC)Can't wait for more
Mooreee
MOOOORRRRREEEEEE
PS : Love how fast this chapter come <3 ^x^ <3
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 10:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 02:38 pm (UTC)I'll be sad to see this story go :( it's really really great, can't wait for more!!
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 04:09 pm (UTC)Everything Matthew said to Dom about missing someone made perfect sense.
xxx
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 05:37 pm (UTC)I love it, it has such a real feeling to it :) I'm as always looking forwards to more :D
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 05:46 pm (UTC)One of the greatest joys of this story, one of the skills you implement beautify and did so yet again this chapter, was accessibility. In that, I mean...you make the feelings Dom has, (the way he's torn between his losing Julia's friendship and his growing affection for Matt) and craft them so the reader can understand what the guys are going through and even recall their own experiences. You do an amazing job at that and it's truly a highlight.
I hope these two work through their lingering issues and begin a life together...can't wait for more!!
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 05:48 pm (UTC)*sniffles, hugs* f'ing beautiful, as always, dear
*hugs again*
♥
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 09:39 pm (UTC)God, this. I'm SO glad there's that second half to kind of balance the heaviness of the first. I don't know of how many ways I can say this is wonderful, but it is.
Everything was a prison, and he was prisoner of his own guilt.
I know I mentioned this, but this shift of imagery is incredible.
"I'm glad you called." Matthew sounded slightly relieved that Dominic had gotten into contact so soon after leaving, exhaling a sigh that sounded breathless and beautiful.
Aww, Matt was worried. And breathless and beautiful.
In the deafening quiet of his flat, he needed Matthew to support him, to calm him, not as a lover but as the friend he never thought he would need.
It's amazing how drawn to Matt Dom is, other than the fact that he wants to jump him.
"I don't think we need a label. Not yet, really. I don't - we're two people, Dom. Two people who want each other and feel for each other more deeply than we know how to handle or define just yet. I think that's enough. Don't you?"
THIS. Beautiful. Really, really beautiful. <3
...they found themselves sitting on opposite ends toes touching and stroking absentmindedly.
OMG, how cute is this?
He ran his pinky over Matthew's knuckle, enjoying the squeeze to his hand he received whenever he did so.
So intimate and erotic--and just hands!
SOmething about always having Matthew's voice at hand was impossibly comforting, and also wholly erotic.
Little kinky, little cheeky, little cute. Oh, right, it's Dom. :D
Random gif because:
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 09:45 pm (UTC)Sooo nice to see Matt's recording come to a finish, hopefully he'll finally get the recognition he deserves. But most importantly; the build-up is killing me haha!!
Please post again quickly dear! <3
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-23 10:11 pm (UTC)Sublime ... as always, your skill with words leave me with chills. I fear all will not go smoothly for our lovers. there is a huge cloud looming. Still, I enjoy their happiness while it lasts. My heart truely aches for your characters.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-24 12:34 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-24 01:13 pm (UTC)Without her kind voice of reason, he felt as though he were utterly lost.
It's so touching to see how much Julia really meant (and still means) to Dom. You never really quite understood just how much in the beginning of this. It's heart-breaking to see how lost he is and how much he still really loves her. I wish she could know, even though after their ending it's quite likely she doesn't.
Starting any relationship is a risk, and I know we're both willing to take it. But, for right now, we shouldn't be too sure of anything."
You bring up things and put them in a way that I have never seen them before. It's something I love so, so much about your writing. Especially this. <333
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-02-25 09:20 am (UTC)First off: I love your writing style, because it's very fluent and you seem to choose your words carefully...I don't really know how to explain, I just like it - it's captivating ^^
What also intrigues me is the progression of the characters. I really loved how it took Dom some time to realize that he in fact WANTED Matt and how it also took him some time to deal with the whole situation. Also Matt's caution concerning relationships and his thoughts when Julia left - I was hoping he wouldn't just jump into Dom's arms when he found out about it. It's a good thing he hesitated, it's so much more realistic that way - that's also the reason I'm glad they're taking it slow. It was heartbreaking to see Dom realize what a great loss he suffered when Julia left, but that's the way it is when a person that knows you inside out; that you trusted with your life leaves. Actually the whole story is very realistic to me - the pacing, the characters' flaws (I hate it when they're described as perfect and flawless and blablah...they're human beings after all ;)) the storyline ...
I hope you get my point xD
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-03-03 05:42 pm (UTC)That said, I love that this story is slow-paced. Nothing is more awkward in fiction than rushed feelings, rushed relationships and unidimensional characters, But your characters and the emotions you make them go through, they feel so real, almost palpable. I've been falling out of love and I've been through a breakup and how you described it is exactly how I felt it. It's devastating, painful, bitter..
I aslo love the fact that you made Julia so likeable and so human. I'm rooting for Matt and Dom, obviously, but a part of me wanted Dom and Julia to patch things up, to make it work, because they had an incredible dynamic. But yeah, I'm not gonna lie, it's good to see Matt and Dom together at last ♥
TL;DR This story is wonderful and my heart made many triple somersaults. I love your writing too, it's so fluid and I love the attention paid to all the little details. I CAN WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTERS REALLY. Thank you.
Sorry for my awkward phrasing , English is not my first language.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2011-03-08 02:45 pm (UTC)ANYWAYS, this, my dear wife, is incredible. As always! You just get better, and better and better. Wonderful. Lots of love to you *hugs so tight* <3<3<3