The Long Surrender: 14A/??
Jan. 9th, 2011 01:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lalalive23Title: The Long Surrender
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lalalive23
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Swearing
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: Many notes about this chapter, tbh. Firstly, I had a hard time writing this chapter, more so than the last. Mainly because Vida is based of my ex-roommate/best friend. When I started writing this, she was one of my main supporters for National Novel Writing Month, and she inspired a saucy Spanish lady that brought love and lolz. Those who have read my personal entries know what happened with regards to our friendship, so writing this was difficult as it brought back many memories of who she used to be. I think I've come to terms with this, and I want to use Vida as a way to keep my old friend alive. I had a real life Vida and she was special, and now I'm giving her to all of you. Secondly, I wanted this to split between Matthew and Dominic, as I usually do, but this part alone is about 8 or 9 pages so I figure that's long enough. Dominic will be part B. Thirdly, the music for this chapter is key. I found this song in my itunes and was blown away all over again about how it basically is the story of TLS. Please listen to it because it inspired much of this chapter. Finally, let's look at how TLS!Matt is supposed to look! God I love this picture.
sunshine_173 gets a Maynard and a Chris Corner for being epic. Yeah. I'm that kind of friend. ENJOY BABIES <3
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13
Sunlight licked gently at Matthew's skin, warming his flesh gently out of slumber. Blinking slowly in the light of the room, he made no effort to move. He had remained in the same position he had fallen asleep in, on his left side and curled into himself. The tarp beneath him stuck to him, the plastic painting lines and creases into his skin. The arm resting beneath his head was numb, his right hand still resting on his mobile. Everything was exactly the same and everything was painfully different.
Pushing himself to sit up right, he swayed, his head aching from the fumes of the paint. Bringing his right hand to his head, he squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply before coughing. His chest hurt, exhausted from crying and aching from lack of fresh air. The wall before him contained a vast unpainted area in its center, the place in the middle where he and Dominic were supposed to meet. The distance between the green was a canyon of rejection and unfulfilled desires.
Unable to look at it any longer, he stood, stretching out his body and shaking the feeling back into his arm. Arms poised above his head, he walked to the window as he stretched, his footsteps slow and groggy. His entire body was weak, needing all off his strength to push it open, and he questioned whether is was because he was dizzy or because he was devoid of any sort of willpower. As the summer breeze entered his flat, he stood before it, inhaling deeply with his eyes shut. Briefly, he remembered the smells the wind in Spain carried, blossoming trees and various foods from his neighbours mixing together to create a heady aroma of contentedness and bliss.
From behind him, he heard his mobile buzz on the tarp, the noise loud and out of place in the silence of the flat, only once dictating that it was a text. Heat seared through his veins and he tried to convince himself it was not Dominic. It was not Dominic, nor should he want it to be. And if it was Dominic, he would wait. He would not respond so quickly to appear as though he were waiting or hanging on every action the blonde took.
He simply stood, unmoving with his eyes closed in the breeze as he breathed slowly and deeply. Memories of the conversation the day before pressed at his mind, but he pushed them away as he wished for nothingness. If Dominic were to be out of his life he at least wanted his mind to get used to the emptiness.
After a few minutes, the mobile vibrated again and interrupted his calm. Pushing away from the window he huffed, raking his hands through his hair as he walked, not bothering to look anywhere but the floor. He sat on the tarp, knees raised, his arm hanging over his knee as he checked his texts.
His face broke out into a smile.
<<I have just sent my first text to another country. You have been there a week and have not called me. I am offended.>>
Vida. Oh, how he missed her. He scrolled to the second message.
<<You better respond to these. Don't tell me conversation will be as one sided as it used to be. I want to at least know you're living>>
He laughed, his first laugh since the day before. If anyone could help him, or make him smile, it would be Vida. Deciding to one up her, he pressed the call button and held the phone to his ear, eager to hear her voice once more.
The phone rang twice before he heard her answer the other end.
"Vida's house of love. How can we be of service today?" Her thick accent garbled the words and made them sound all the more ridiculous.
A high pitched giggle escaped his throat. "Is that how you usually answer the phone?"
"Well, you wouldn't know, would you?" she huffed. "You hardly call."
He nodded his head as he flicked his fingers, a mindless gesture she couldn't see. "I know, I'm sorry. I haven't had time really. I did text though."
"Matthew," she began slowly, "you texted goodbye at the airport. You never even told me if you landed safely. If I were young and naive, I would think you were still in the air."
"Alright, alright," he giggled. 'I've been a bad friend."
"It's ok. I forgive you." Her line became muffled as she muttered something he couldn't hear clearly. He furrowed his brow in concentration, hoping the line wasn't failing, only to realize her words were not meant for him. "Sorry, I'm at our cafe. The one we used to go to all the time."
He nodded at the memory, feeling a heavy nostalgia settle in his gut. "I miss that cafe," he said softly.
"Well, it misses you." He knew she was included in the statement, knowing exactly what she had implied and felt his heart warm. "So, how have you been?"
It was a question he had been dreading, a question he hardly wanted to answer. In truth, he had been in excellent spirits until nineteen hours before. A tightening in his chest crippled his speech, just as he was about to tell her he was fine. It was terribly confusing, how one negative moment in his week seemed to consume his entire state of being. He had so much to be happy about, so much to look forward to, and yet everything was over shadowed by his argument with Dominic, and no emotion of joy was as strong as the feeling of hurt he nursed in his core.
"I'm...." he began, putting off the truth. "Not good."
She took in a sharp breath, obviously upset at the news, but she did not erupt as he thought she would. Instead, he heard her pull a chair out and exhale. He imagined her sitting at their usual spot, sipping her coffee as he had so often seen her do. "Has something happened with Dominic?" Her response was calm, gently imploring him for details.
Once more, he found himself stunned by her near psychic ability to know what was on his mind, and he began to wonder if it was a typical trait women had. Tightly, he hugged himself, his body curling into an upright fetal position, as if in fear at the prospect of reliving the moment through a verbal recount.
"Yes," he choked out. He blushed, feeling himself about to cry and wondered how he could even have any tears left to spill. "He said the cruelest things."
She said nothing, waiting for him to continue.
"He kissed me," he said unceremoniously, implying the same tone with the vocalization in the words that Dominic had given the action. He wanted to retract it immediately and say the words with joy, colour, something other than bitterness, but he couldn't.
"I thought he was engaged?" Vida said, confused.
"He is," Matthew sighed.
"What the -? Then why would he...? I'm sorry, I'm confused." Her voice had risen an octave, and he smiled at her stuttering. He felt just as confused as she, but she had tapped into something that had lingered in the back of his mind.
"He acted like it meant nothing to him, but he knew he was engaged. He even paused before he kissed me! But he didn't pull away, he just went for it. I know he wouldn't have done if he hadn't wanted it himself." The words spilled from his tongue like water over the edge of a glass.
"So, what did he say after?" she asked. he heard her take a sip of her drink and wished he were at the table with her.
"He said he wasn't gay, like immediately after he kissed me. He said the kiss meant nothing to him." A weight seemed to bury itself within him as he said the words, grounding himself to the cold and lonely reality.
"Well," she said slowly, "that was wrong of him. But it must have been a lot for him to process. Has he ever kissed another man?"
"Not that I know of," Matthew admitted.
"Well, it must be hard for him. If he wanted to kiss you, as you think he did, he probably had a lot on his mind about why he would want to do it. Considering you would be the first guy he kissed, and he's engaged to a woman, he probably doesn't think he's gay." Her logic stung, making Matthew's skin prickle.
"Whose side are you on, Vida?" Matthew half-heartedly joked.
"I never said he was right," she said sternly. "I imagine the kiss meant something to you?"
"It did....it does," Matthew pouted. "But he was adamant that it meant nothing, that it was just a kiss."
"Did you tell him it meant something to you?"
"Yeah." He didn't want to say that he had said cruel things to Dominic as well, questioning his character as though he were a criminal.
"And what did he say to that?"
Her words shot him like a bullet, and he had no option other than to tell her the truth.
"Well, I kind of...I said awful things too. I asked him what kind of person he was, I was so rude about it. He left after that." As much as he had a right to be mad, Dominic had equal right to be upset with him. Both were to blame and neither would admit it. Their relationship, it seemed, was at an impasse.
"You were hurt baby, it's understandable that you would react that way. But it looks like both of you are to blame. I know you didn't tell him you have feelings for him, am I right?" He could hear a sly smile in her voice, and he mirrored the expression.
"No, I didn't. But it's because he's engaged, I never thought I'd have a chance.""
"Well, he couldn't have known his kissing you would mean as much to you as it did. However, that does not mean he was right to do it. He neglected asking you, and totally ignored the fact that he has a fiancee. And then he didn't even apologize after he knew he hurt you. If my man did any of this, I can promise you he would be dead. In a ditch. In Russia." Her words were completely serious, which is why Matthew could not help but release the laugh that had bubbled up in his chest. She joined in with him and it felt as though he were there with her. He could see her features and the bright way they would glimmer when she laughed. It was something he missed terribly.
"I don't know what to do, Vida," he said softly once their laughter had calmed.
"Well, you should talk to him," she said simply.
"I don't want to give in though. What he did was worse. I know I'm being childish but, it's really how I feel." For once in his life, he wanted someone to apologize to him, to know that not everything was entirely his fault. Evan would never apologize for hurting him, leaving without offering a second chance, and he prayed that Dominic would not do the same.
"It's ok to feel that way, and you have every right to." He could almost see her nodding with seriousness.
There was a brief pause, Vida drinking her coffee as Matthew quietly toyed with a raised section of the tarp.
"So, what will you do today?" she eventually asked.
He sighed. "I have no idea. I don't want to stay in, but I don't want to go out. We were painting my living room wall yesterday. He was on one side and I was on the other, and we never got to finish the whole thing cause of the fight. I don't even want to look at his side. It's like he's here with me."
"So paint over it."
The ease with which she said the words caught him completely off guard. Part of him wanted to repeat his statement, force her to understand how desperate his situation was. But her simplicity and gentle tone astounded him and left him struggling for words.
"What?" he asked dumbly.
"Just paint over his side. His effort in your house doesn't need to be there, Matt. It's your space. If you don't want his presence there, get rid of it."
In theory, her answer was exactly the kind he had been looking for. A simple way to banish Dominic from his life and start anew. But in his heart, that was the last thing he wanted. At the very center of his being, he wanted to keep Dominic with him always.
"Vida, I can't just erase him by painting over a wall. I mean...." he drifted. Fear poked at his veins, spreading through him before he sent a quivering breath into the receiver. "I love him," he finally said. She was the first to hear it, and he was convinced she would be the last.
"Oh my god," she gasped. "Really? Already?"
He flushed. "Yes," was his quiet answer. "Vida, I want him in my life, I need him in my life. I-I don't care if I have to go on like this, loving him unrequitedly. I'd rather have him this way than no way at all. I know that's stupid and self-destructive, but I-I really don't mind." He stammered his sentence quickly, once having started the words he became unable to stop. They fell of his tongue at rapid speed, and while he should have never felt this way at all, it was every bit the truth. He wanted Dominic any way he could have him, and he didn't mind how silly it made him look or how much it hurt him to know it would never be.
Eventually, the ache in his bones would heal and, slowly, it would get easier.
He heard her moving furiously, entirely unsure of what she could be doing. It sounded as though she were bouncing, or running her hands through her hair repeatedly. The noises made him chuckle.
"I know that sounds terribly stupid and really pathetic," he said softly.
She sighed. "I wouldn't call you pathetic but I do think that's a bit silly. You're setting yourself up for more heartache."
"I know," he admitted.
"But I'm not one to judge. We've all been there and felt that. Sometimes it seems so easy to be a martyr." He heard her tapping her fingers on the table and he knew, that just like the flick of his fingers, it was one of her unconscious habits. With every passing sound, it felt as though he were in the room with her.
"When have you been in unrequited love?" he asked with a laugh.
"Matthew, I am alive. It happens to everyone at some point," she snorted.
"Oh dear. Was it with me?" he asked with a smile. He knew exactly what her expression was when she laughed that way, her mouth turned up in a sarcastic grin.
She snorted once more, her laugh echoing through the cafe and he hears her mutter an apology to those around her. "You should be so lucky."
Once more, they found themselves laughing together, the mere action of having her in his ear seemed to make distance between them almost evaporate completely.
Eventually, she calmed, only after taking a large gulp of her coffee. She sighed as it went down her throat and once more they were in silence as she thought of what to say.
"Well, you know what you feel," she said diplomatically. "And no one is telling you that you need to erase Dominic from your life completely, that isn't even what this argument should come to. All I'm saying is, you went from one relationship and into another. You wanted to repaint, and you did so with another person. Already you're inviting someone else into a space that needs to be yours for the time being. Painting over his side doesn't mean you're removing him, it just means you're removing the negativity from the wall."
He listened to her words, staring down at his hand as it fondled still the tart beneath him. She was correct in assuming that he had hardly made the flat his own space. Having jumped from Evan, to Madrid, to Dominic, he really had not been completely been in his own space since before he left uni. His flat in Madrid did not count, the barren furnishings and peeling walls left to decay with him. He had made no effort to make the space his own, made no effort to heal the flat around him. Perhaps it was the only way to heal properly, to wipe Evan's presence from his life completely and to remove Dominic's
"I think what concerns me the most is that you don't seem to be angry," he heard her say when he came back to the present conversation.
"What? I am angry!" he exclaimed.
"So show me! Right now I just see that you're hurt and that you want to keep him in your life, but I don't see the anger that should be there." Her voice was high pitched and frantic, and he was sure her free hand was flailing rapidly before her.
"You can be mad at someone even if you love them, V" he said softly.
"Of course, but Matthew, he hurt you. If he comes back to apologize don't make it easy for him. Own your feelings. He hurt them, and abused them. And even if he forgets his fiancee, you better not. You deserve an apology, she deserves an explanation." Her words were stern, and even though he wanted to escape the thought of Julia, he knew perfectly well it was wrong to try. While he had been a victim of Dominic's harsh words and personal confusion, she had been a victim of vicious, secret actions and had done nothing wrong.
"I know," he sighed. "God, I can't believe all of this happened. I hate myself for letting it happen and I hate him for even thinking it should. Want to know what his excuse was?"
"What?"
"I was 'speaking Spanish.' He kissed me because I was speaking Spanish. The hell kind of reason is that?" He was furious, feeling the same rage from the day before burn though his body. If Vida needed proof he was angry, she was about to get it. "He paused before he kissed me, like he knew what he was about to do. Then announced that he wasn't gay and said 'oh, you were speaking Spanish.' He even tried to explain why it was a good answer before cutting himself off and telling me that it was just a kiss. But it wasn't, Vida, it wasn't. It was the best kiss I've ever had. It was like he wanted to possess me completely, and I'm not just saying this because I love him. I'm saying that it was the kind of kiss that you take someone to bed with. It was so fucking erotic and I hate him for making it seem like eroticism is meaningless."
He paused, breathing heavily as he tried to catch his breath. She said nothing in the pause, urging him to continue through silence.
"He asked me if I was a sexual person at some point during the day and I told him that I was. It was like he used that information to win me over and then leave me completely. I'm not a slag, and I'm not a pervert, but I think sexual interaction is important and beautiful and he took the single most erotic kiss I've ever had and tried to explain away the pleasure. Maybe that's what I'm most upset about. I don't know, I could kill him."
"Well, that is exactly the kind of reaction I was looking for," she laughed. He laughed with her, realizing his rant had actually made him feel a bit better. "Look," she continued, "I'm going to hang up now. Not because I want to but because I think you're in a good place to paint over the wall. Expel the anger you have right now in that activity. I'm pretty sure you'll feel better doing it. He'll come around, I'm sure. I think if he paused before he kissed you, and knew what he was about to do, he probably feels guilty for a lot of things and will want to talk to you. And if he doesn't, then fuck him. He doesn't deserve you."
Matthew sat, stunned into silence at her use of the word 'fuck.' It was the first time he had ever heard her swear, and it was the most beautiful and frightening thing he had ever heard. "Yes, ma'am," he laughed, once he found his voice.
"Alright. Get to painting. And Matthew?"
"Yes, dear?"
"It better not be another week before I hear from you again. Don't make me fly over there."
He smiled softly, sadly. "I wish you would, Vida. But I promise I'll call again."
"Good," she said sternly. "Happy painting, baby!"
"Bye, Vida," he chuckled.
Hanging up the call, he stared at her name before his mobile flashed back to the home screen. The conversation had proven to be everything he needed, proving that his feelings were not unfounded while reminding him that he was to blame for his cruel accusations. He was sure that the longer we went without talking to Dominic, the more he would need Vida. At least he was sure that she would not mind the constant conversation.
With a sigh, he turned back to the wall, eyeing the discarded paint rollers with a grimace. Both had been dropped to the tarp, abused and forgotten just seconds before a moment of bliss. Shaking his head, he crawled along the floor to the second jar of paint to prise the top open. A thick skin had formed atop the paint in the first, having been open all night without any form of cover or seal. He took the stick as he had yesterday, stirring the colour and smiling as he did so. The shade seemed to calm him, soothe him, and comfort him.
He reached over to his paint roller and dragged it to him before pouring the paint in the tray. He stood, adjusting his jeans before dipping his roller into the colour.
It was with a new sense of dignity that he applied a thick, second coat to Dominic's side of the wall, rolling the paint on with fervor and force. He smiled as he watched Dominic's strokes disappear, the wall finally becoming his own.
Author:
lalalive23 Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Swearing
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: Many notes about this chapter, tbh. Firstly, I had a hard time writing this chapter, more so than the last. Mainly because Vida is based of my ex-roommate/best friend. When I started writing this, she was one of my main supporters for National Novel Writing Month, and she inspired a saucy Spanish lady that brought love and lolz. Those who have read my personal entries know what happened with regards to our friendship, so writing this was difficult as it brought back many memories of who she used to be. I think I've come to terms with this, and I want to use Vida as a way to keep my old friend alive. I had a real life Vida and she was special, and now I'm giving her to all of you. Secondly, I wanted this to split between Matthew and Dominic, as I usually do, but this part alone is about 8 or 9 pages so I figure that's long enough. Dominic will be part B. Thirdly, the music for this chapter is key. I found this song in my itunes and was blown away all over again about how it basically is the story of TLS. Please listen to it because it inspired much of this chapter. Finally, let's look at how TLS!Matt is supposed to look! God I love this picture.
sunshine_173 gets a Maynard and a Chris Corner for being epic. Yeah. I'm that kind of friend. ENJOY BABIES <3Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13
Sunlight licked gently at Matthew's skin, warming his flesh gently out of slumber. Blinking slowly in the light of the room, he made no effort to move. He had remained in the same position he had fallen asleep in, on his left side and curled into himself. The tarp beneath him stuck to him, the plastic painting lines and creases into his skin. The arm resting beneath his head was numb, his right hand still resting on his mobile. Everything was exactly the same and everything was painfully different.
Pushing himself to sit up right, he swayed, his head aching from the fumes of the paint. Bringing his right hand to his head, he squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply before coughing. His chest hurt, exhausted from crying and aching from lack of fresh air. The wall before him contained a vast unpainted area in its center, the place in the middle where he and Dominic were supposed to meet. The distance between the green was a canyon of rejection and unfulfilled desires.
Unable to look at it any longer, he stood, stretching out his body and shaking the feeling back into his arm. Arms poised above his head, he walked to the window as he stretched, his footsteps slow and groggy. His entire body was weak, needing all off his strength to push it open, and he questioned whether is was because he was dizzy or because he was devoid of any sort of willpower. As the summer breeze entered his flat, he stood before it, inhaling deeply with his eyes shut. Briefly, he remembered the smells the wind in Spain carried, blossoming trees and various foods from his neighbours mixing together to create a heady aroma of contentedness and bliss.
From behind him, he heard his mobile buzz on the tarp, the noise loud and out of place in the silence of the flat, only once dictating that it was a text. Heat seared through his veins and he tried to convince himself it was not Dominic. It was not Dominic, nor should he want it to be. And if it was Dominic, he would wait. He would not respond so quickly to appear as though he were waiting or hanging on every action the blonde took.
He simply stood, unmoving with his eyes closed in the breeze as he breathed slowly and deeply. Memories of the conversation the day before pressed at his mind, but he pushed them away as he wished for nothingness. If Dominic were to be out of his life he at least wanted his mind to get used to the emptiness.
After a few minutes, the mobile vibrated again and interrupted his calm. Pushing away from the window he huffed, raking his hands through his hair as he walked, not bothering to look anywhere but the floor. He sat on the tarp, knees raised, his arm hanging over his knee as he checked his texts.
His face broke out into a smile.
<<I have just sent my first text to another country. You have been there a week and have not called me. I am offended.>>
Vida. Oh, how he missed her. He scrolled to the second message.
<<You better respond to these. Don't tell me conversation will be as one sided as it used to be. I want to at least know you're living>>
He laughed, his first laugh since the day before. If anyone could help him, or make him smile, it would be Vida. Deciding to one up her, he pressed the call button and held the phone to his ear, eager to hear her voice once more.
The phone rang twice before he heard her answer the other end.
"Vida's house of love. How can we be of service today?" Her thick accent garbled the words and made them sound all the more ridiculous.
A high pitched giggle escaped his throat. "Is that how you usually answer the phone?"
"Well, you wouldn't know, would you?" she huffed. "You hardly call."
He nodded his head as he flicked his fingers, a mindless gesture she couldn't see. "I know, I'm sorry. I haven't had time really. I did text though."
"Matthew," she began slowly, "you texted goodbye at the airport. You never even told me if you landed safely. If I were young and naive, I would think you were still in the air."
"Alright, alright," he giggled. 'I've been a bad friend."
"It's ok. I forgive you." Her line became muffled as she muttered something he couldn't hear clearly. He furrowed his brow in concentration, hoping the line wasn't failing, only to realize her words were not meant for him. "Sorry, I'm at our cafe. The one we used to go to all the time."
He nodded at the memory, feeling a heavy nostalgia settle in his gut. "I miss that cafe," he said softly.
"Well, it misses you." He knew she was included in the statement, knowing exactly what she had implied and felt his heart warm. "So, how have you been?"
It was a question he had been dreading, a question he hardly wanted to answer. In truth, he had been in excellent spirits until nineteen hours before. A tightening in his chest crippled his speech, just as he was about to tell her he was fine. It was terribly confusing, how one negative moment in his week seemed to consume his entire state of being. He had so much to be happy about, so much to look forward to, and yet everything was over shadowed by his argument with Dominic, and no emotion of joy was as strong as the feeling of hurt he nursed in his core.
"I'm...." he began, putting off the truth. "Not good."
She took in a sharp breath, obviously upset at the news, but she did not erupt as he thought she would. Instead, he heard her pull a chair out and exhale. He imagined her sitting at their usual spot, sipping her coffee as he had so often seen her do. "Has something happened with Dominic?" Her response was calm, gently imploring him for details.
Once more, he found himself stunned by her near psychic ability to know what was on his mind, and he began to wonder if it was a typical trait women had. Tightly, he hugged himself, his body curling into an upright fetal position, as if in fear at the prospect of reliving the moment through a verbal recount.
"Yes," he choked out. He blushed, feeling himself about to cry and wondered how he could even have any tears left to spill. "He said the cruelest things."
She said nothing, waiting for him to continue.
"He kissed me," he said unceremoniously, implying the same tone with the vocalization in the words that Dominic had given the action. He wanted to retract it immediately and say the words with joy, colour, something other than bitterness, but he couldn't.
"I thought he was engaged?" Vida said, confused.
"He is," Matthew sighed.
"What the -? Then why would he...? I'm sorry, I'm confused." Her voice had risen an octave, and he smiled at her stuttering. He felt just as confused as she, but she had tapped into something that had lingered in the back of his mind.
"He acted like it meant nothing to him, but he knew he was engaged. He even paused before he kissed me! But he didn't pull away, he just went for it. I know he wouldn't have done if he hadn't wanted it himself." The words spilled from his tongue like water over the edge of a glass.
"So, what did he say after?" she asked. he heard her take a sip of her drink and wished he were at the table with her.
"He said he wasn't gay, like immediately after he kissed me. He said the kiss meant nothing to him." A weight seemed to bury itself within him as he said the words, grounding himself to the cold and lonely reality.
"Well," she said slowly, "that was wrong of him. But it must have been a lot for him to process. Has he ever kissed another man?"
"Not that I know of," Matthew admitted.
"Well, it must be hard for him. If he wanted to kiss you, as you think he did, he probably had a lot on his mind about why he would want to do it. Considering you would be the first guy he kissed, and he's engaged to a woman, he probably doesn't think he's gay." Her logic stung, making Matthew's skin prickle.
"Whose side are you on, Vida?" Matthew half-heartedly joked.
"I never said he was right," she said sternly. "I imagine the kiss meant something to you?"
"It did....it does," Matthew pouted. "But he was adamant that it meant nothing, that it was just a kiss."
"Did you tell him it meant something to you?"
"Yeah." He didn't want to say that he had said cruel things to Dominic as well, questioning his character as though he were a criminal.
"And what did he say to that?"
Her words shot him like a bullet, and he had no option other than to tell her the truth.
"Well, I kind of...I said awful things too. I asked him what kind of person he was, I was so rude about it. He left after that." As much as he had a right to be mad, Dominic had equal right to be upset with him. Both were to blame and neither would admit it. Their relationship, it seemed, was at an impasse.
"You were hurt baby, it's understandable that you would react that way. But it looks like both of you are to blame. I know you didn't tell him you have feelings for him, am I right?" He could hear a sly smile in her voice, and he mirrored the expression.
"No, I didn't. But it's because he's engaged, I never thought I'd have a chance.""
"Well, he couldn't have known his kissing you would mean as much to you as it did. However, that does not mean he was right to do it. He neglected asking you, and totally ignored the fact that he has a fiancee. And then he didn't even apologize after he knew he hurt you. If my man did any of this, I can promise you he would be dead. In a ditch. In Russia." Her words were completely serious, which is why Matthew could not help but release the laugh that had bubbled up in his chest. She joined in with him and it felt as though he were there with her. He could see her features and the bright way they would glimmer when she laughed. It was something he missed terribly.
"I don't know what to do, Vida," he said softly once their laughter had calmed.
"Well, you should talk to him," she said simply.
"I don't want to give in though. What he did was worse. I know I'm being childish but, it's really how I feel." For once in his life, he wanted someone to apologize to him, to know that not everything was entirely his fault. Evan would never apologize for hurting him, leaving without offering a second chance, and he prayed that Dominic would not do the same.
"It's ok to feel that way, and you have every right to." He could almost see her nodding with seriousness.
There was a brief pause, Vida drinking her coffee as Matthew quietly toyed with a raised section of the tarp.
"So, what will you do today?" she eventually asked.
He sighed. "I have no idea. I don't want to stay in, but I don't want to go out. We were painting my living room wall yesterday. He was on one side and I was on the other, and we never got to finish the whole thing cause of the fight. I don't even want to look at his side. It's like he's here with me."
"So paint over it."
The ease with which she said the words caught him completely off guard. Part of him wanted to repeat his statement, force her to understand how desperate his situation was. But her simplicity and gentle tone astounded him and left him struggling for words.
"What?" he asked dumbly.
"Just paint over his side. His effort in your house doesn't need to be there, Matt. It's your space. If you don't want his presence there, get rid of it."
In theory, her answer was exactly the kind he had been looking for. A simple way to banish Dominic from his life and start anew. But in his heart, that was the last thing he wanted. At the very center of his being, he wanted to keep Dominic with him always.
"Vida, I can't just erase him by painting over a wall. I mean...." he drifted. Fear poked at his veins, spreading through him before he sent a quivering breath into the receiver. "I love him," he finally said. She was the first to hear it, and he was convinced she would be the last.
"Oh my god," she gasped. "Really? Already?"
He flushed. "Yes," was his quiet answer. "Vida, I want him in my life, I need him in my life. I-I don't care if I have to go on like this, loving him unrequitedly. I'd rather have him this way than no way at all. I know that's stupid and self-destructive, but I-I really don't mind." He stammered his sentence quickly, once having started the words he became unable to stop. They fell of his tongue at rapid speed, and while he should have never felt this way at all, it was every bit the truth. He wanted Dominic any way he could have him, and he didn't mind how silly it made him look or how much it hurt him to know it would never be.
Eventually, the ache in his bones would heal and, slowly, it would get easier.
He heard her moving furiously, entirely unsure of what she could be doing. It sounded as though she were bouncing, or running her hands through her hair repeatedly. The noises made him chuckle.
"I know that sounds terribly stupid and really pathetic," he said softly.
She sighed. "I wouldn't call you pathetic but I do think that's a bit silly. You're setting yourself up for more heartache."
"I know," he admitted.
"But I'm not one to judge. We've all been there and felt that. Sometimes it seems so easy to be a martyr." He heard her tapping her fingers on the table and he knew, that just like the flick of his fingers, it was one of her unconscious habits. With every passing sound, it felt as though he were in the room with her.
"When have you been in unrequited love?" he asked with a laugh.
"Matthew, I am alive. It happens to everyone at some point," she snorted.
"Oh dear. Was it with me?" he asked with a smile. He knew exactly what her expression was when she laughed that way, her mouth turned up in a sarcastic grin.
She snorted once more, her laugh echoing through the cafe and he hears her mutter an apology to those around her. "You should be so lucky."
Once more, they found themselves laughing together, the mere action of having her in his ear seemed to make distance between them almost evaporate completely.
Eventually, she calmed, only after taking a large gulp of her coffee. She sighed as it went down her throat and once more they were in silence as she thought of what to say.
"Well, you know what you feel," she said diplomatically. "And no one is telling you that you need to erase Dominic from your life completely, that isn't even what this argument should come to. All I'm saying is, you went from one relationship and into another. You wanted to repaint, and you did so with another person. Already you're inviting someone else into a space that needs to be yours for the time being. Painting over his side doesn't mean you're removing him, it just means you're removing the negativity from the wall."
He listened to her words, staring down at his hand as it fondled still the tart beneath him. She was correct in assuming that he had hardly made the flat his own space. Having jumped from Evan, to Madrid, to Dominic, he really had not been completely been in his own space since before he left uni. His flat in Madrid did not count, the barren furnishings and peeling walls left to decay with him. He had made no effort to make the space his own, made no effort to heal the flat around him. Perhaps it was the only way to heal properly, to wipe Evan's presence from his life completely and to remove Dominic's
"I think what concerns me the most is that you don't seem to be angry," he heard her say when he came back to the present conversation.
"What? I am angry!" he exclaimed.
"So show me! Right now I just see that you're hurt and that you want to keep him in your life, but I don't see the anger that should be there." Her voice was high pitched and frantic, and he was sure her free hand was flailing rapidly before her.
"You can be mad at someone even if you love them, V" he said softly.
"Of course, but Matthew, he hurt you. If he comes back to apologize don't make it easy for him. Own your feelings. He hurt them, and abused them. And even if he forgets his fiancee, you better not. You deserve an apology, she deserves an explanation." Her words were stern, and even though he wanted to escape the thought of Julia, he knew perfectly well it was wrong to try. While he had been a victim of Dominic's harsh words and personal confusion, she had been a victim of vicious, secret actions and had done nothing wrong.
"I know," he sighed. "God, I can't believe all of this happened. I hate myself for letting it happen and I hate him for even thinking it should. Want to know what his excuse was?"
"What?"
"I was 'speaking Spanish.' He kissed me because I was speaking Spanish. The hell kind of reason is that?" He was furious, feeling the same rage from the day before burn though his body. If Vida needed proof he was angry, she was about to get it. "He paused before he kissed me, like he knew what he was about to do. Then announced that he wasn't gay and said 'oh, you were speaking Spanish.' He even tried to explain why it was a good answer before cutting himself off and telling me that it was just a kiss. But it wasn't, Vida, it wasn't. It was the best kiss I've ever had. It was like he wanted to possess me completely, and I'm not just saying this because I love him. I'm saying that it was the kind of kiss that you take someone to bed with. It was so fucking erotic and I hate him for making it seem like eroticism is meaningless."
He paused, breathing heavily as he tried to catch his breath. She said nothing in the pause, urging him to continue through silence.
"He asked me if I was a sexual person at some point during the day and I told him that I was. It was like he used that information to win me over and then leave me completely. I'm not a slag, and I'm not a pervert, but I think sexual interaction is important and beautiful and he took the single most erotic kiss I've ever had and tried to explain away the pleasure. Maybe that's what I'm most upset about. I don't know, I could kill him."
"Well, that is exactly the kind of reaction I was looking for," she laughed. He laughed with her, realizing his rant had actually made him feel a bit better. "Look," she continued, "I'm going to hang up now. Not because I want to but because I think you're in a good place to paint over the wall. Expel the anger you have right now in that activity. I'm pretty sure you'll feel better doing it. He'll come around, I'm sure. I think if he paused before he kissed you, and knew what he was about to do, he probably feels guilty for a lot of things and will want to talk to you. And if he doesn't, then fuck him. He doesn't deserve you."
Matthew sat, stunned into silence at her use of the word 'fuck.' It was the first time he had ever heard her swear, and it was the most beautiful and frightening thing he had ever heard. "Yes, ma'am," he laughed, once he found his voice.
"Alright. Get to painting. And Matthew?"
"Yes, dear?"
"It better not be another week before I hear from you again. Don't make me fly over there."
He smiled softly, sadly. "I wish you would, Vida. But I promise I'll call again."
"Good," she said sternly. "Happy painting, baby!"
"Bye, Vida," he chuckled.
Hanging up the call, he stared at her name before his mobile flashed back to the home screen. The conversation had proven to be everything he needed, proving that his feelings were not unfounded while reminding him that he was to blame for his cruel accusations. He was sure that the longer we went without talking to Dominic, the more he would need Vida. At least he was sure that she would not mind the constant conversation.
With a sigh, he turned back to the wall, eyeing the discarded paint rollers with a grimace. Both had been dropped to the tarp, abused and forgotten just seconds before a moment of bliss. Shaking his head, he crawled along the floor to the second jar of paint to prise the top open. A thick skin had formed atop the paint in the first, having been open all night without any form of cover or seal. He took the stick as he had yesterday, stirring the colour and smiling as he did so. The shade seemed to calm him, soothe him, and comfort him.
He reached over to his paint roller and dragged it to him before pouring the paint in the tray. He stood, adjusting his jeans before dipping his roller into the colour.
It was with a new sense of dignity that he applied a thick, second coat to Dominic's side of the wall, rolling the paint on with fervor and force. He smiled as he watched Dominic's strokes disappear, the wall finally becoming his own.
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Date: 2011-01-12 04:43 am (UTC)Vida makes everything ok *nods*
THANKS BOO! <333