The Long Surrender: 13/??
Jan. 5th, 2011 10:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lalalive23Title: The Long Surrender
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lalalive23
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Swearing and sadness
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: It has been too long since I've been in this universe and LORD, I have missed it. Life got a bit crazy, as we can see. Between finals, gigs, moving back home, Christmas, and the one off stories, it feels like years since I've touched this. Well, it has, technically! I had a difficult time getting back into this because I felt I had been away form it too long. That said, while I may not have worked on this, I have known EXACTLY where I wanted this chapter to go since I finished Chapter 12. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. As for Written in the Walls, that should be coming soon too. I'm trying to use my winter break to the fullest.
I send a tank full of sex and men tomillionstar and sunshine_173 for being bit readers, cheerleaders, inspiration givers, and two of the finest friends a girl could ask for <3
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Gazing up into Dominic's grey eyes, Matthew fought to catch his breath. He was panting, delirious from the either the lack of air or the force of the kiss. He would never be sure, but in the seconds after their lips had parted he was sure that Dominic had never looked so beautiful. Glowing in the sun light and sweating in the heat, red lips swollen, he looked like a vision from an erotic dream. His mind was empty, no thought fighting to break the serenity the kiss had given him. In an almost catatonic state, he felt himself smile.
"I'm not gay," Dominic breathed, not looking away from Matt's eyes. His chest was heaving, and Matthew registered the action as the start of a furious panic.
The words hit him like a train, his own chest halting, breath locked between two quivering lungs. "What?" he whispered.
Furiously shaking his head, Dominic's eyes widened as if in fear. "I'm not gay. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean..." The sentence drifted into thin air, but Matthew knew exactly what he meant. And he wanted to hear him say it.
"What exactly did you mean then?" he said quietly, trying to remain calm.
Dominic's eyes swept from wall to wall, his hands coming to rest on his hips as his face screwed up into an expression of confusion. "I don't know. It just happened, you were just -"
"I was just what Dominic? There? Convenient? Tell me." Matthew found himself becoming furious, his blood boiling with such a furious rage, he was sure he had never experienced the sort before.
"No!" Dominic said, panicked and shocked. "No, you were speaking Spanish."
Matthew let out a bitter laugh. "So that gave you permission to kiss me?"
"No!" Dominic said, finally letting his anger show. "When you speak Spanish...I just..." He never finished the thought and instead moved to another topic. "Look, why are you getting so mad? It was just a kiss."
"I have a right to be angry!" Matthew's arms flailed before him uncontrollably. "You don't just kiss people because they're speaking Spanish. What aren't you telling me?"
"Nothing!" Dominic shouted, leaning forward. "It was just a kiss, ok? Get over it!"
"No, I'm not. Because you don't have any right to just kiss me. What the fuck kind of person are you?"
"It was just a KISS, Matthew. It meant nothing!" Dominic ran his hands through his hair, his cheeks becoming flushed with anger.
"NOT TO ME!" Matthew shouted, pounding his hand to his chest. The backs of his eyes began to sting with tears but he refused to allow himself to cry in front of the blonde.
Dominic stood, flabbergasted by the words, his breathing entirely uneven. "What?" he asked.
"It was not" Matthew began slowly, his lip starting to quiver, "nor will it ever be, just a kiss to me. You don't," he punctuated the word with a sharp 't.' "get to kiss me and not have a reason. So, I am going to ask you again. What the fuck kind of person are you?"
Dominic's eyes narrowed at the last statement. "I don't have to stand here and defend my character to you. You know what kind of person I am."
"Do I?" Matt spat. "You act all nice and helpful, and now you just take advantage of me for your own personal pleasure. No, Dominic, I don't think I know you at all."
As Dominic stood before him, Matthew hated himself for the words he had just sent into the atmosphere. He wanted to apologize, to say that he was being silly for saying those things. But he wouldn't. Dominic had toyed with his emotions and, right then, he refused to forgive him.
"I am not going to listen to this," Dominic said as he turned on his heels to head toward the kitchen. "You're over fucking reacting." He bent to pick up his things and Matt felt childish as he kicked Dominic's shoes at him.
"Good, because I don't fucking want you here." He crossed his arms over his chest and fought with his emotions. He felt as though he were in a silent torture, unable to scream without looking crazed and unable to cry without looking weak.
"Call me when you're back to fucking normal," Dominic spat as he walked out of the door.
The slam resonated through the silent flat, and Matt nearly felt himself collapse from overwhelming emotion pooling in his heart. Leaning against the wall that divided the kitchen from the living room, he slid down until his knees were at his chest. The air in his lungs was excruciating, his chest heaving from the effort of breathing calmly. The tears burned as they spilled down his cheeks and he wrapped his arms around his legs, placing his forehead in the dip between his knees. He choked as he sobbed, body shaking with anger and loss, and he let the bitterness consume him.
There was something Dominic wasn't telling him and, on top of feeling as though he had been used for physical pleasure, he felt like Dominic was lying to him, keeping secrets for no other reason than his refusal to admit he was wrong. In his heart, he knew that Dominic would not have kissed him if it meant nothing. Dominic was not the sort to do things without conviction, at least he prayed he wasn't. The kiss had meant everything to him, filled him with an entirely new kind of hope and in an instant, had left him breathless with excruciating disappointment. Hope, it seemed, was an extraordinarily dangerous thing.
The skin on his back and shoulders experienced a chill and he shivered, suddenly so cold in the summer heat. Sputtering and wetting his waistband and abdomen with tears and saliva, he cried shamelessly in the privacy of his house. As agony tore through him, he begged for Dominic to come back in, to tell him he was sorry, that the kiss meant something to him to.
He despised himself for being so desperately pathetic. He knew it wouldn't happen, and the knowledge of this only made him grip his legs tighter, fingers leaving bruises in their wake. Everything around him was dripping with loneliness, the still wet paint emitting fragrances of melancholy and dejection. It hurt worse than when Evan had left, and he hated to admit that.
It was worse because Dominic had lifted him from his darkest place and showed him what it meant to live again, had shown him the brightness of his life.
It hurt worse because Dominic had left him to wallow in his feelings, had somehow twisted them in an attempt to make him believe that they were wrong and sick.
He wouldn't deny them and wouldn't refuse them, as much as he wanted to. And for the first time in his life, he hated the fact that he was in love.
~~
As soon as Dominic exited the flat he immediately wanted to run back in. Paused outside the door, he stared at the stairs looming before him, gasping for breath and immediately feeling the guilt rip at his insides. He turned, gazing longingly at the door he had just thrown shut, suddenly unable to catch his breath. Running a hand through his hair, he paused at the back of his neck to fist his fingers in the strands, brow furrowed in confusion and guilt. Yes, he had kissed Matthew. Yes, he had lied to him in the worst of ways. And yes, the kiss had meant everything to him.
He will never know why he couldn't say the words out loud, but as he walked towards the door and rested his head against the wood, he wished he could shout them through the barrier and beg for forgiveness. The sound of Matthew's sobs washed over him and he allowed himself to suffocate in them. Tears wetting the wood, he silently cried with the brunet before pushing away and headed down the stairs without any destination in mind.
No where in him could he find the desire to go home, back to Julia who would no doubt question him on why he had returned so early. In truth, he didn't want to look at her. Matthew had vehemently questioned him on his character and he had childishly stalked out of the house because he wasn't ready to admit out loud that he was a vile human being.
To hear Matthew question him with such force had left him breathless, and as he struggled to formulate an adequate answer, it dawned on him that no matter what he said, someone would get hurt. He had kissed Matthew and completely disregarded Julia. He had kept secrets from Matthew, and forced the brunet believe that the single best moment in the past month of his life meant absolutely nothing. He had most certainly used Matthew, because he had no self control and decided that his own selfishness was more important than the feelings of two other very important people.
Part of him was furious. Matthew knew that he was engaged to be married. Why would he return the kiss with as much fervor if knew what the consequences were? Why didn't he push him off, make him think? Why would he let himself be kissed if he was so wounded from his previous break up? Matthew was as much to blame as he, and as he walked down unfamiliar streets, he took the thought and tried to feel dignified for finding his own side of the argument.
But he couldn't. Matthew had clearly said that the kiss meant something to him, and clearly implied that he had feelings for him. It should have been incredible, the moment was incredible, until he tarnished it with his words. He knew exactly what he was doing when he followed through with the action and only had himself to blame.
'I'm not gay.' The words seemed to haunt him and follow him, whispered memories of his cruelty in his ear.
He turned abruptly and kicked the wall, his converse bending back and hurting his foot from the force. If he wasn't gay, why would he kiss Matthew? Why had the brunet consumed his every thought, every vision? Why had he focused so much of his attention on him? If he wasn't gay, what was he? It would be a lie to say that his affections for Julia weren't waning and the thought made him want to vomit. It was something else he had to confess to his fiancee, and he knew she would leave him. In that very moment, his future looked horrifically empty.
The sun began to set overhead, and he continued to walk in random directions until he found a pub before him. He didn't want to go in, knowing that alcohol was probably the worst thing to have at that moment, but his feet moved without his conscious control. Moving to the bar, he sat on a stool and held his face in his hands. Self-loathing and anger rippled through him, his desire to drink or return to Julia the furthest thing from his mind. He pulled out his mobile, fingers swiftly scrolling through the contacts to rest on Matthew's name without any further action.
"What can I get you?" he heard the bartender ask.
"Vodka tonic." His reply came easily and quickly, before he even thought to stop himself.
Knowing he would only have one, he settled into his seat and remained gazing at the name. He wanted to call, to hear Matthew's voice. What would he even say? 'I'm sorry' was terribly inadequate after the cruel mind game he had played. It would not be enough for Matthew, and it certainly wasn't enough for him. As he pondered his apology, he became sick to his stomach as he realized it was extremely likely that Matthew would never want to speak to him again.
When his drink was placed in front of him, he was eager to feel the burn slide down his throat and erase his mind completely.
~~
Matthew had no idea what time it was or when he had stopped crying. He had fallen to his side at some point during the day and eventually had drifted off into an uneasy sleep that had left him restless and anxious. In the darkness of his living room, he remained unmoving, the smell of the paint leaving him light headed as he had not opened any windows. Beneath the palm of his right hand laid his mobile. Still and unmoving, the object had not vibrated since Dominic had called him to tell him he was on his way over.
The phone call seemed years away, a distant friendship that had faded away as they drifted apart in life. It was a testament to the fact that the past few hours had been the longest he had ever experienced. He had been left twice by people he loved in the span of a month, and it was leading him to believe that he was extraordinarily undesirable.
It was a silly thing to think, considering Dominic was engaged and had kissed him without breaking the ties with his fiancee. But he rejected the logic, and pushed it as far away from him as he could. He didn't want to be reasonable when he could still feel the burn of Dominic's lips on his.
Shutting his eyes once more, he forced himself to sleep in the hollowness of the room. As he drifted into the void between sleep and wakefulness, he wished Dominic would call him just so he could hear his voice once more.
~~
At half one in the morning Dominic pushed opened the door to his flat, mind sufficiently muddled from alcohol. In truth, he hated himself more for staying at the pub for so long, but his other options were remarkably unappealing. Eventually, he forced himself to leave, knowing well he could not stay the whole night and he certainly could not go back to Matthew.
Julia's feet were draped over the arm of the couch, and as he approached he found her fast asleep with a book held gently to her chest. Not bothering to wake her, he turned and went into the bedroom to undress. His skin was clammy, his movements slow. Exhausted from the cocktail of emotions he had experienced throughout the day, he toed off his shoes with little grace. Bumping his hip into the night stand, the glass he usually kept for himself in the morning fell to the floor and shattered.
The noise caused him to wince, though he did nothing to clean up the mess.
"Dominic?" Julia's voice came from behind him and he turned to find her leaning against the door frame, eyes still heavy with sleep. "Did you just get home?"
"Yeah." He didn't bother to lie or explain himself. He turned from her then to undo his belt.
He heard her elicit a soft chuckle, and he hated that the sound was so beautiful. It sounded like silver. "Did you and Matthew celebrate your painting skills?"
The statement was harmlessly sarcastic, but it was exactly the sort of thing he didn't want to hear. Hanging his head, he stopped all movement with his hand. He didn't want to tell her what had happened. "No, we didn't."
The words themselves seemed to chill the air, and he felt as though he could feel her bristle with his curtness.
"Really. Where were you then?" Her words were clipped and equally as cold as his.
"Just out." He tugged off his skinnies and stepped out them.
"It's ok. You can talk to me, you know," she said softly.
"I don't fucking want to talk," he snapped.
"Lovely." He heard her footsteps fade off in the distance.
Turning to face her, he was greeted with the view of her pulling the blanket off the back of the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked as he walked from the bedroom to the living room.
"You smell like vodka and you're being rude. Excuse me if I don't want to be next to you when you're like this." She busied herself with putting the pillows from the couch onto the armchair before turning and walking passed him to the bedroom.
"Don't you think that's a bit extreme?" He watched her in shock as she took the pillows from her side of the bed and carried them to her make shift bed.
"No it isn't. I'm not putting up with you like this." She climbed onto the couch and took off her reading glasses.
"Like what Julia? Say it."
"Like a right bastard," she said simply. "You always get belligerent when you drink if you're angry. So I am not going to press the issue. When you're ready, you'll talk. But I am too tired to deal with you right now."
"How am I being a bastard?" he said slowly. He knew he was, he just wanted to see how far he could push her. It was something he did when he was drunk, and he hated that trait.
"Go to bed Dominic."
"Not until you come with me." He crossed his arms in defiance.
"Fine. Sleep on the floor for all I care." She turned off the light and turned to her side, facing away from Dominic, promptly ending the conversation.
"Julia, come the fuck to bed."
Julia said nothing, her breathing even and slow. He stood for several moments in the same position waiting for her to react or acknowledge him. When she didn't, he huffed like a petulant child. He walked back into the bedroom and shut the door behind him, still not bothering to clean the glass he had knocked over. Secretly he wished his bare feet would step on it, secretly he wanted to inflict as much pain on himself as possible.
He crawled beneath the sheets and buried his face in the pillow. With deep, heaving sighs, he tried to find the calm the alcohol had provided him. But in the dark bedroom, his thoughts swam with visions of Matthew's heartbroken face, his angry eyes, and his slightly quivering lips.
He remembered vividly the sound of his sobs through the door, and forced himself to know that he caused that.
I did that.
The thought sent an ache in his gut, ripping a new hole for him to feel.
I did that.
Author:
lalalive23 Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Swearing and sadness
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: It has been too long since I've been in this universe and LORD, I have missed it. Life got a bit crazy, as we can see. Between finals, gigs, moving back home, Christmas, and the one off stories, it feels like years since I've touched this. Well, it has, technically! I had a difficult time getting back into this because I felt I had been away form it too long. That said, while I may not have worked on this, I have known EXACTLY where I wanted this chapter to go since I finished Chapter 12. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. As for Written in the Walls, that should be coming soon too. I'm trying to use my winter break to the fullest.
I send a tank full of sex and men to
millionstar and sunshine_173 for being bit readers, cheerleaders, inspiration givers, and two of the finest friends a girl could ask for <3Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12
Gazing up into Dominic's grey eyes, Matthew fought to catch his breath. He was panting, delirious from the either the lack of air or the force of the kiss. He would never be sure, but in the seconds after their lips had parted he was sure that Dominic had never looked so beautiful. Glowing in the sun light and sweating in the heat, red lips swollen, he looked like a vision from an erotic dream. His mind was empty, no thought fighting to break the serenity the kiss had given him. In an almost catatonic state, he felt himself smile.
"I'm not gay," Dominic breathed, not looking away from Matt's eyes. His chest was heaving, and Matthew registered the action as the start of a furious panic.
The words hit him like a train, his own chest halting, breath locked between two quivering lungs. "What?" he whispered.
Furiously shaking his head, Dominic's eyes widened as if in fear. "I'm not gay. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean..." The sentence drifted into thin air, but Matthew knew exactly what he meant. And he wanted to hear him say it.
"What exactly did you mean then?" he said quietly, trying to remain calm.
Dominic's eyes swept from wall to wall, his hands coming to rest on his hips as his face screwed up into an expression of confusion. "I don't know. It just happened, you were just -"
"I was just what Dominic? There? Convenient? Tell me." Matthew found himself becoming furious, his blood boiling with such a furious rage, he was sure he had never experienced the sort before.
"No!" Dominic said, panicked and shocked. "No, you were speaking Spanish."
Matthew let out a bitter laugh. "So that gave you permission to kiss me?"
"No!" Dominic said, finally letting his anger show. "When you speak Spanish...I just..." He never finished the thought and instead moved to another topic. "Look, why are you getting so mad? It was just a kiss."
"I have a right to be angry!" Matthew's arms flailed before him uncontrollably. "You don't just kiss people because they're speaking Spanish. What aren't you telling me?"
"Nothing!" Dominic shouted, leaning forward. "It was just a kiss, ok? Get over it!"
"No, I'm not. Because you don't have any right to just kiss me. What the fuck kind of person are you?"
"It was just a KISS, Matthew. It meant nothing!" Dominic ran his hands through his hair, his cheeks becoming flushed with anger.
"NOT TO ME!" Matthew shouted, pounding his hand to his chest. The backs of his eyes began to sting with tears but he refused to allow himself to cry in front of the blonde.
Dominic stood, flabbergasted by the words, his breathing entirely uneven. "What?" he asked.
"It was not" Matthew began slowly, his lip starting to quiver, "nor will it ever be, just a kiss to me. You don't," he punctuated the word with a sharp 't.' "get to kiss me and not have a reason. So, I am going to ask you again. What the fuck kind of person are you?"
Dominic's eyes narrowed at the last statement. "I don't have to stand here and defend my character to you. You know what kind of person I am."
"Do I?" Matt spat. "You act all nice and helpful, and now you just take advantage of me for your own personal pleasure. No, Dominic, I don't think I know you at all."
As Dominic stood before him, Matthew hated himself for the words he had just sent into the atmosphere. He wanted to apologize, to say that he was being silly for saying those things. But he wouldn't. Dominic had toyed with his emotions and, right then, he refused to forgive him.
"I am not going to listen to this," Dominic said as he turned on his heels to head toward the kitchen. "You're over fucking reacting." He bent to pick up his things and Matt felt childish as he kicked Dominic's shoes at him.
"Good, because I don't fucking want you here." He crossed his arms over his chest and fought with his emotions. He felt as though he were in a silent torture, unable to scream without looking crazed and unable to cry without looking weak.
"Call me when you're back to fucking normal," Dominic spat as he walked out of the door.
The slam resonated through the silent flat, and Matt nearly felt himself collapse from overwhelming emotion pooling in his heart. Leaning against the wall that divided the kitchen from the living room, he slid down until his knees were at his chest. The air in his lungs was excruciating, his chest heaving from the effort of breathing calmly. The tears burned as they spilled down his cheeks and he wrapped his arms around his legs, placing his forehead in the dip between his knees. He choked as he sobbed, body shaking with anger and loss, and he let the bitterness consume him.
There was something Dominic wasn't telling him and, on top of feeling as though he had been used for physical pleasure, he felt like Dominic was lying to him, keeping secrets for no other reason than his refusal to admit he was wrong. In his heart, he knew that Dominic would not have kissed him if it meant nothing. Dominic was not the sort to do things without conviction, at least he prayed he wasn't. The kiss had meant everything to him, filled him with an entirely new kind of hope and in an instant, had left him breathless with excruciating disappointment. Hope, it seemed, was an extraordinarily dangerous thing.
The skin on his back and shoulders experienced a chill and he shivered, suddenly so cold in the summer heat. Sputtering and wetting his waistband and abdomen with tears and saliva, he cried shamelessly in the privacy of his house. As agony tore through him, he begged for Dominic to come back in, to tell him he was sorry, that the kiss meant something to him to.
He despised himself for being so desperately pathetic. He knew it wouldn't happen, and the knowledge of this only made him grip his legs tighter, fingers leaving bruises in their wake. Everything around him was dripping with loneliness, the still wet paint emitting fragrances of melancholy and dejection. It hurt worse than when Evan had left, and he hated to admit that.
It was worse because Dominic had lifted him from his darkest place and showed him what it meant to live again, had shown him the brightness of his life.
It hurt worse because Dominic had left him to wallow in his feelings, had somehow twisted them in an attempt to make him believe that they were wrong and sick.
He wouldn't deny them and wouldn't refuse them, as much as he wanted to. And for the first time in his life, he hated the fact that he was in love.
~~
As soon as Dominic exited the flat he immediately wanted to run back in. Paused outside the door, he stared at the stairs looming before him, gasping for breath and immediately feeling the guilt rip at his insides. He turned, gazing longingly at the door he had just thrown shut, suddenly unable to catch his breath. Running a hand through his hair, he paused at the back of his neck to fist his fingers in the strands, brow furrowed in confusion and guilt. Yes, he had kissed Matthew. Yes, he had lied to him in the worst of ways. And yes, the kiss had meant everything to him.
He will never know why he couldn't say the words out loud, but as he walked towards the door and rested his head against the wood, he wished he could shout them through the barrier and beg for forgiveness. The sound of Matthew's sobs washed over him and he allowed himself to suffocate in them. Tears wetting the wood, he silently cried with the brunet before pushing away and headed down the stairs without any destination in mind.
No where in him could he find the desire to go home, back to Julia who would no doubt question him on why he had returned so early. In truth, he didn't want to look at her. Matthew had vehemently questioned him on his character and he had childishly stalked out of the house because he wasn't ready to admit out loud that he was a vile human being.
To hear Matthew question him with such force had left him breathless, and as he struggled to formulate an adequate answer, it dawned on him that no matter what he said, someone would get hurt. He had kissed Matthew and completely disregarded Julia. He had kept secrets from Matthew, and forced the brunet believe that the single best moment in the past month of his life meant absolutely nothing. He had most certainly used Matthew, because he had no self control and decided that his own selfishness was more important than the feelings of two other very important people.
Part of him was furious. Matthew knew that he was engaged to be married. Why would he return the kiss with as much fervor if knew what the consequences were? Why didn't he push him off, make him think? Why would he let himself be kissed if he was so wounded from his previous break up? Matthew was as much to blame as he, and as he walked down unfamiliar streets, he took the thought and tried to feel dignified for finding his own side of the argument.
But he couldn't. Matthew had clearly said that the kiss meant something to him, and clearly implied that he had feelings for him. It should have been incredible, the moment was incredible, until he tarnished it with his words. He knew exactly what he was doing when he followed through with the action and only had himself to blame.
'I'm not gay.' The words seemed to haunt him and follow him, whispered memories of his cruelty in his ear.
He turned abruptly and kicked the wall, his converse bending back and hurting his foot from the force. If he wasn't gay, why would he kiss Matthew? Why had the brunet consumed his every thought, every vision? Why had he focused so much of his attention on him? If he wasn't gay, what was he? It would be a lie to say that his affections for Julia weren't waning and the thought made him want to vomit. It was something else he had to confess to his fiancee, and he knew she would leave him. In that very moment, his future looked horrifically empty.
The sun began to set overhead, and he continued to walk in random directions until he found a pub before him. He didn't want to go in, knowing that alcohol was probably the worst thing to have at that moment, but his feet moved without his conscious control. Moving to the bar, he sat on a stool and held his face in his hands. Self-loathing and anger rippled through him, his desire to drink or return to Julia the furthest thing from his mind. He pulled out his mobile, fingers swiftly scrolling through the contacts to rest on Matthew's name without any further action.
"What can I get you?" he heard the bartender ask.
"Vodka tonic." His reply came easily and quickly, before he even thought to stop himself.
Knowing he would only have one, he settled into his seat and remained gazing at the name. He wanted to call, to hear Matthew's voice. What would he even say? 'I'm sorry' was terribly inadequate after the cruel mind game he had played. It would not be enough for Matthew, and it certainly wasn't enough for him. As he pondered his apology, he became sick to his stomach as he realized it was extremely likely that Matthew would never want to speak to him again.
When his drink was placed in front of him, he was eager to feel the burn slide down his throat and erase his mind completely.
~~
Matthew had no idea what time it was or when he had stopped crying. He had fallen to his side at some point during the day and eventually had drifted off into an uneasy sleep that had left him restless and anxious. In the darkness of his living room, he remained unmoving, the smell of the paint leaving him light headed as he had not opened any windows. Beneath the palm of his right hand laid his mobile. Still and unmoving, the object had not vibrated since Dominic had called him to tell him he was on his way over.
The phone call seemed years away, a distant friendship that had faded away as they drifted apart in life. It was a testament to the fact that the past few hours had been the longest he had ever experienced. He had been left twice by people he loved in the span of a month, and it was leading him to believe that he was extraordinarily undesirable.
It was a silly thing to think, considering Dominic was engaged and had kissed him without breaking the ties with his fiancee. But he rejected the logic, and pushed it as far away from him as he could. He didn't want to be reasonable when he could still feel the burn of Dominic's lips on his.
Shutting his eyes once more, he forced himself to sleep in the hollowness of the room. As he drifted into the void between sleep and wakefulness, he wished Dominic would call him just so he could hear his voice once more.
~~
At half one in the morning Dominic pushed opened the door to his flat, mind sufficiently muddled from alcohol. In truth, he hated himself more for staying at the pub for so long, but his other options were remarkably unappealing. Eventually, he forced himself to leave, knowing well he could not stay the whole night and he certainly could not go back to Matthew.
Julia's feet were draped over the arm of the couch, and as he approached he found her fast asleep with a book held gently to her chest. Not bothering to wake her, he turned and went into the bedroom to undress. His skin was clammy, his movements slow. Exhausted from the cocktail of emotions he had experienced throughout the day, he toed off his shoes with little grace. Bumping his hip into the night stand, the glass he usually kept for himself in the morning fell to the floor and shattered.
The noise caused him to wince, though he did nothing to clean up the mess.
"Dominic?" Julia's voice came from behind him and he turned to find her leaning against the door frame, eyes still heavy with sleep. "Did you just get home?"
"Yeah." He didn't bother to lie or explain himself. He turned from her then to undo his belt.
He heard her elicit a soft chuckle, and he hated that the sound was so beautiful. It sounded like silver. "Did you and Matthew celebrate your painting skills?"
The statement was harmlessly sarcastic, but it was exactly the sort of thing he didn't want to hear. Hanging his head, he stopped all movement with his hand. He didn't want to tell her what had happened. "No, we didn't."
The words themselves seemed to chill the air, and he felt as though he could feel her bristle with his curtness.
"Really. Where were you then?" Her words were clipped and equally as cold as his.
"Just out." He tugged off his skinnies and stepped out them.
"It's ok. You can talk to me, you know," she said softly.
"I don't fucking want to talk," he snapped.
"Lovely." He heard her footsteps fade off in the distance.
Turning to face her, he was greeted with the view of her pulling the blanket off the back of the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked as he walked from the bedroom to the living room.
"You smell like vodka and you're being rude. Excuse me if I don't want to be next to you when you're like this." She busied herself with putting the pillows from the couch onto the armchair before turning and walking passed him to the bedroom.
"Don't you think that's a bit extreme?" He watched her in shock as she took the pillows from her side of the bed and carried them to her make shift bed.
"No it isn't. I'm not putting up with you like this." She climbed onto the couch and took off her reading glasses.
"Like what Julia? Say it."
"Like a right bastard," she said simply. "You always get belligerent when you drink if you're angry. So I am not going to press the issue. When you're ready, you'll talk. But I am too tired to deal with you right now."
"How am I being a bastard?" he said slowly. He knew he was, he just wanted to see how far he could push her. It was something he did when he was drunk, and he hated that trait.
"Go to bed Dominic."
"Not until you come with me." He crossed his arms in defiance.
"Fine. Sleep on the floor for all I care." She turned off the light and turned to her side, facing away from Dominic, promptly ending the conversation.
"Julia, come the fuck to bed."
Julia said nothing, her breathing even and slow. He stood for several moments in the same position waiting for her to react or acknowledge him. When she didn't, he huffed like a petulant child. He walked back into the bedroom and shut the door behind him, still not bothering to clean the glass he had knocked over. Secretly he wished his bare feet would step on it, secretly he wanted to inflict as much pain on himself as possible.
He crawled beneath the sheets and buried his face in the pillow. With deep, heaving sighs, he tried to find the calm the alcohol had provided him. But in the dark bedroom, his thoughts swam with visions of Matthew's heartbroken face, his angry eyes, and his slightly quivering lips.
He remembered vividly the sound of his sobs through the door, and forced himself to know that he caused that.
I did that.
The thought sent an ache in his gut, ripping a new hole for him to feel.
I did that.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2011-01-06 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-06 10:51 am (UTC)Keep that in mind too! ^.^ *Supports Matt*
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Date: 2011-01-07 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-06 04:09 am (UTC)Looking forward to more!
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Date: 2011-01-07 05:34 pm (UTC)No one is really winning in this situation. Every way you look at it, someone gets hurt. And right now, it's just sad panda times for EVERYONE.
Thank you so much for this lovely comment. <33
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Date: 2011-01-06 05:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 05:35 pm (UTC)THE BOYS ARE SO SAD T_T I don't like my boys being sad. But...it must happen. *SIGH*
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Date: 2011-01-06 05:29 am (UTC)"No!" Dominic said, panicked and shocked. "No, you were speaking Spanish."
Me: ... You DUMBASS.
*grumpy huff* Damn it, Dominic.
I just feel so horrible for Matt. The way you wrote him, I was A.) totally with him when he was giving Dominic hell, and B.) just clutching my head in misery when he was alone. The image of him sobbing in a newly painted room in his place gutted me -- the idea of being in the middle of fresh surroundings and having everything it all feel old already, because things feel over already. It's the worst.
Matthew had vehemently questioned him on his character and he had childishly stalked out of the house because he wasn't ready to admit out loud that he was a vile human being.
As much as I'm seething at Dominic, I also really relate to this. I have a hard time admitting I'm wrong and accepting criticism -- so the only step forward turns into either fight or flight. Start projecting accusation onto the other person, or get out before anything else can happen. It's a hard thing to get past.
There was something Dominic wasn't telling him and, on top of feeling as though he had been used for physical pleasure, he felt like Dominic was lying to him, keeping secrets for no other reason than his refusal to admit he was wrong. In his heart, he knew that Dominic would not have kissed him if it meant nothing.
AND HE KNOWS!! That's the most painful thing about this chapter -- Matthew knows exactly what's probably going on, despite Dominic's fears and fronts. He knows it's bullshit. Dominic knows it's bullshit.
... And Julia knows that whatever's going on is bullshit, too, lol... Points to her for how she handled drunk!Dominic. Level voice, simple sentences, blunt logic. She doesn't put up with his bullshit... and REALLY won't put up with the rest of it when she finds out. *frets*
This is why people have to hold me back when I watch my favorite shows and movies. I'm always in immediate danger of cutting a bitch. XD
LE SIGH. Another gripping installment. :)
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Date: 2011-01-07 05:42 pm (UTC)*grumpy huff* Damn it, Dominic.
he fucked up big time, didn't he? :(
The idea of being in the middle of fresh surroundings and having everything it all feel old already, because things feel over already. It's the worst.
Yes. Exactly. Just...yes. My poor Matthew. And now he feels like he's not worth anyone's time. My poor lamb :(
I have a hard time admitting I'm wrong and accepting criticism
Sames. It's such a hard thing to do. Especially when he knows he fucked up big, and shouldn't have gone through with it because he's engaged. But how do you deny the strongest feeling you've ever felt? How do you know which person is the right one. Poor Dom :(
THEY DO. EVERYONE KNOWS WHATEVER IS GOING ON IS BULLSHIT. Matthew is a good read of character, as he said before. So he knows Dom wouldn't have gone through with it if he didn't want it himself. And Dominic knows he feels something for Matthew, he just can't say it out loud, and that bothers him.
And Julia...I never want to say "poor Julia." She is my strong woman, my answer to all the wilting female romance characters. She will never be anything but strong. And my Christ, I adore her.
BUT GIRL. I adore you. This comment makes my 2011. No lie. Adore adore adore. <3333
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Date: 2011-01-06 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 05:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-06 07:00 am (UTC)...what a line of complete and utter win. Gawd I live this story soooo hard!!! xxx
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Date: 2011-01-07 05:43 pm (UTC)Oh GOD, that is filthy LOL
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Date: 2011-01-06 07:26 am (UTC)It's gorgeous, though, as always. There's just so much pain and they both need lots of cuddles.
He wouldn't deny them and wouldn't refuse them, as much as he wanted to. And for the first time in his life, he hated the fact that he was in love.
This hurt me. Matt really is brave and strong and I think this is all the more important for what he's been through and who he is. ♥
Yes, he had kissed Matthew. Yes, he had lied to him in the worst of ways. And yes, the kiss had meant everything to him.
Was that so hard, really? You couldn't have done that in the flat? (At least, though, he's admitted this to himself and is processing. I'm being optimistic.)
Secretly he wished his bare feet would step on it, secretly he wanted to inflict as much pain on himself as possible.
:( Poor thing--he's in pain, he's caused pain. </3 Gorgeous, as always! And welcome back! I hope everything's gone well and you had a good holiday! :)
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Date: 2011-01-07 05:56 pm (UTC)Matthew, as hurt and broken as he is, will never be made to regret or feel ashamed for his feelings. He hates them right now because he thinks they're misplaced, and because he wants to DESPISE Dominic but can't find it in him to do so. With Evan, he never hated that he was in love with him, even after they broke up. He just felt like it was their fault and was confused and angry, but he didn't hate how he felt. My poor lamb. I need to hug him.
Dominic's self loathing knows no bounds, really. When he's sobered up, he'll see things clearly.
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Date: 2011-01-07 10:36 pm (UTC)It's...a lot to process, I imagine. And he wasn't exactly doing much processing, but a lot of pushing away. (The "you were speaking Spanish" admission was wonderful, even if it just confused Matt more.)
He does need hugs, bless. But it's pretty clear Dom never meant to hurt him and has genuine feelings, though he may not exactly be sure of them. Yet. (And all of what you said. His character's so clear and there's so much going on internally. It's amazing.)
*fingers crossed*
(And they were, thanks! <3)
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Date: 2011-01-07 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-06 10:22 am (UTC)I am so, so glad that you've decided to play this out the way you did. I know it may sound weird but I actually would've been dissapointed if they ended up confessing all they've been building up to. It would've been too sudden and you have had such a wonderful way of slowly letting emotions and changes creep into their lives.
Dominic's reaction was PERFECT. He has been batteling his increasing desire for Matthew because he's convinced of himself not falling for men, and being very much involved in an engagement. And even though it's been declining slowly, he still is determained to continue on his set path. He can't believe how much has changed in such a short time and is horrified by his actions. He needs time to think about what he's done and only then can he start to work on a solution. Because OH BOY is he in trouble now.
Matthew... Oh my poor thing :( He is a complete victim in this, as is Julia, but I feel more for him than her. A relationship that's bleeding to death, whether it's a fling, an engagement or a marriage; this can always happen. It's sad and it's bitter, but that's life and that's what happening to Julia and Dom. Matthew had the same with Evan. It's bad what he went through but he was getting better. Better thanks to Dom and even though we've seen how much Matt has fallen for Dom, he never ACTED on it (consciously). He respects that Dom is not into men and is involved in a relationship so he's kept his distance even though he's longing for him.
But for Dom to kiss him like that. Then leave him like that. It really broke my heart. And then Matt's realisation that that one kiss meant so much for him, and he actually confessed that to Dom as well to only have it thrown back in his face like that. I could've strangled Dom right there. I know Matt is extremely lucky to have found someone to help him with his career and to get his life back together, but to be betrayed and used like that. Matt is totally not at blame here. I notice someone said that Matt forgot all about Dom being involved when he kissed him but; excuse me? Dom took all the actions and Matt's brain must've turned to mush at that. I cannot blame him at all for indulging in that kiss the way he did.
Julia is not taking any bullshitting from Dom, and perhaps that'll be for the best. But it's gonna take Dom a long time to realise his true feelings, if he ever will! He needs to start exploring it now, he has no choice but to do that. He can't put this away in the back of his mind any longer, it's not in his 9true) character to do that.
I have so much admiration for you, you've played this out absolutely, shockingly perfect and I'm amazed at how well you've followed through with all the emotions; the chaotic scenes never hard to follow or overly dramatic. Just, perfect. Life is harsh.
--He remembered vividly the sound of his sobs through the door, and forced himself to know that he caused that.
I did that.
The thought sent an ache in his gut, ripping a new hole for him to feel.
I did that.--
Yes Dom, feel the burn.
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Date: 2011-01-07 06:06 pm (UTC)I think if this were to happen in real life, it wouldn't be so perfect "i love you!" "oh i love you too!" "YAY." I don't think that's how anyone in this situation would react, even myself. I mean, I've never been engaged and then kissed a woman, but I don't think anything about this situation could come out easy. And I'm happy that you feel the same. I knew people were going to get sad with this chapter, but it is crucial to their relationship and their growth as characters.
Julia is a strong woman, and I do want people to feel bad for her. But i don't want her to be pitied. She is....honestly, the love of my life. She's the woman I wish I was, the woman I want to be. Sometimes I feel like many parts of myself have gone into her. And while her relationship is falling apart, she is a fighter and a woman who knows what she wants and needs. But she will never be cruel or bitchy about it. And she really LOVES Dominic, and the fact that her love for him is the true definition of what love is, it's EXTREMELY important to the future of this story. /random hints and spoilers lol
That isn't to say Matthew is weak, because he isn't. He's just hurting and broken. He needs someone to pick him back up and show him how to move on by himself. He has someone, he just needs to remember that he does ;)
This comment was beautiful and it really makes me happy to know that you feel I wrote the emotions well. I had a difficult time with this chapter because 1. I have never been in a real, serious relationship and 2. I felt like I had been away from this too long to really get the flow of it back.
<333 Thank you. And I love you <33
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Date: 2011-01-06 11:46 am (UTC)nuuuuuuuuuuu! :'O
Dom! Matt! wtf just happened?!
things NEED to be corrected between the two! like NOW!
great update. i'm looking forward to the next!
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Date: 2011-01-07 06:09 pm (UTC)Thanks bb! I'm trying to get it up ASAP.
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Date: 2011-01-06 05:23 pm (UTC)This is heart-breaking, but beautifully written! I hope they will be able to get things right again. Really looking forward to more
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Date: 2011-01-07 06:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 04:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 06:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-07 04:46 pm (UTC)ahhh no no no no no no no these two are one of my FAVOURITE couples in the whole freaking fandom and I love them to bits DDD: *is a sucker for forbidden romance* so seeing them like this actually makes me feel as awful as Dom.
but I'm totally team Matt, btw xDbut JUST AHH. *cries* awful comment is poor xD
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Date: 2011-01-07 06:11 pm (UTC)O.O Wut? That just... I don't even....what??? Are you serious? I can't even....
This comment is not poor. It's actually how I fell. LOL I was so sad while writing this. I'm trying to get the next bit don ASAP. I hate seeing my boys sad :( *hugs*
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Date: 2011-01-07 07:03 pm (UTC)I love the emotion you portrayed, so dramatic but incredibly realistic.
Can't wait for the next update! *hugs* <3
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Date: 2011-01-07 10:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-08 06:00 am (UTC)Thanks hun! I love this story and can't wait to see what happens
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Date: 2011-01-08 12:31 pm (UTC)I’m so happy you updated!!! I really missed this story. This chapter was so heartbreaking… after the kiss scene from last chapter I was so happy though I was kind of expecting a weird reaction from Dom; but I never thought it would be this bad, I mean, all the horrible things he said to Matthew… I’m still crying, I’m thinking it must have been really hard for you to write.
As always you writing was amazing I felt like I was in there, every emotion and every scene were described beautifully. The image of the two of them crying in opposites sides of the door was so touching, it was like you could feel the pain in every one of your words (if that makes any sense). I hope they get better soon!!!!
Thank you so much for updating, I fell in love with your characters since I read the first chapter and this has become one of my favorite’s stories, so your updates make me really happy!! I’m looking forward to read more.
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Date: 2011-01-10 12:47 pm (UTC)Oh Dominic you little... *smacks weakly* why would you be such an ass and say that stuff? Whyyyy! The worst thing, I think is, as someone else on here commented, that everybody seems to know. And that Matt wouldn't stand up for himself from the beginning and
slap Domsay that if he wants to kiss him, he should think about his fiancee first. But of course he couldn't know Dom would be such a stubborn little tart and not even admit it meant something to him too :(Had another moment of wanting to dive into the screen and shake the boys when afterwards both immediately felt guilty and wanted Dom to come back, then changed their minds and went back to crying. AND both wanting to hear the other's voice *breaks out in loud sobs*
What broke my heart the most though, was Matthew's hurt. Jesus, you have no idea how heartbreakingly beautiful that was to me.
He had been left twice by people he loved in the span of a month, and it was leading him to believe that he was extraordinarily undesirable.
MATTHEW NOOO!! *desperately tries to jump into the screen and hug him* (yeah, this is how pathetic you make me). Just when he had started living and feeling happy again, the very same person who brought him out of the misery plunges him back in again! That's it. I need to read the next chapter now before I explode with emotions. And that ending!! Fuck. You're so fucking amazing *squeezes* <3333
Oh. An extreme amount of love to Julia. Damn right, that girl knows how to handle a situation. <3
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Date: 2011-01-28 07:16 am (UTC)This hurt. But, I am really hoping that Dom comes to his senses!!!