The Long Surrender: 15/??
Jan. 18th, 2011 02:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lalalive23Title: The Long Surrender
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lalalive23
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Swearing and sexual content
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: FINALLY! The long awaited update. My poor boys have been fighting with me about getting this out. They're stubborn little buggers, not wanting to be honest with themselves but...here we are. It took me so long to write this, mainly because I needed to be sure that everything was perfect. But more than that, I wanted this to be real. Nothing about this story was ever intended to be easy, because love isn't easy (and you're one of the lucky ones if it is, for you). I spent so much time reading this and checking to make sure these discussions were exactly as I wanted them to be. Picking the music for this chapter was also a frigging bitch. I can't write if I'm not musically inspired and I needed something with a proper tone. Tool always sets me at ease. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter (though I'm pretty sure you will ;)) *also...are we really at 15 parts? goddamn!*
Endless thanks to my musketeersdolce_piccante , millionstar , and sunshine_173 for being bit readers, inspiration givers, cheerleaders, and spot fixers. Honestly, my fic would be nothing if I didn't have them.
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14A Chapter 14B
The words rained over Matthew, gripping and absorbing into his skin to saturate him with emotion. He pressed his body into the door behind him, his heart beating rapidly as he witnessed Dominic's expression morph from one of false confidence to unbearable agony. Before him, the blonde was burning from the inside out, eyes dimming as he exhaled a shaking breath through parted lips. Brow furrowed in sincerity, Dominic became a victim of the weight of his actions, crumbling beneath it, and systematically becoming crushed.
He forced his hands to remain at his sides, his body crying out to envelop to blonde to comfort him, hold him, to love him into calm stillness. The sensation rippled through him, a shock wave of need trying to propel him to where his heart yearned to be, yet the only visible sign of such desire he would allow was the nervous twitching of his fingers against the wood.
Some years ago, at the peak of their time together, Evan had left the house in a magnificent fury, announcing with a bellow that he was leaving Matthew and Matt had only encouraged him to take the steps away from the flat, convinced he never wanted to see him again. An hour had passed before Evan returned, eyes wet with tears of regret, body trembling in sadness as he sputtered the words "I love you, forgive me" over and over to Matthew, to the walls, to the air, to the gods, to anyone who would listen. Matthew had held him, and he had been sure that nothing could ever compare to the affect those words had on him.
But then Dominic had come to stand before him, all beauty and unwavering conviction as his eyes silently pleaded for forgiveness, lips repeating 'I'm so sorry' in gasped and strangled breaths. The words alone made him want to forgive, accept, move on, forget, but his morals would not allow him to make such impulsive decisions. Briefly, the thought entered his mind that the moral voice in his head would be Vida, and he smiled slightly. She had been right, he deserved an apology, but he too deserved an explanation.
He mustered the strength to speak, closing his eyes momentarily in a silent prayer that his faltering courage did not make him sound weak. "I know you are," was all he could manage.
It was as though the words sucked the air out of Dominic's body, his shoulders seeming to slump as he curled in on himself. The gray orbs searched desperately, willing Matthew to continue.
"What would you like me to say?" he asked, exasperated. He hated to see Dominic in pain, metaphorically on his knees as he begged for them both to move on, but he would not put this behind them so easily. His feelings has been hurt, and he needed to know why Dominic had said what he said. "I can't say 'it's ok' and forgive you just like that, Dom. It isn't ok. You hurt me - I trusted you and you hurt me. I know you're sorry but I can't just let you off the hook."
The blonde nodded slowly, his eyes falling to the floor as his face suddenly became ashen. He turned from Matthew, then, walking slowly to a chair at the small kitchen table and he collapsed, his head falling into the palms of his hands. "I know I fucked up," he murmured softly. "I know I fucked everything up. I just need you to forgive me. Please."
It shook him, rattled him straight through his bones, to see Dominic so upset. An ache formed in his center, an ache that seemed to form a gravitational pull centered around Dominic's crumbled and broken figure. It lured him, dragged him unwillingly from his position at the door to be close to the blonde as he shook with difficult breaths. Matthew could not know what he would do if he came into close proximity with Dominic's body. Having known its taste, its intimate shape, seeing it distressed was causing him excruciating pain. His hands wanted to reach and stroke the light coloured locks, to caress each cheek with tenderness; his lips burned, wanting to press themselves to the forehead in an attempt to save Dominic from his personal hell.
He denied himself these simple pleasures, bringing himself to sit stiffly in a the chair next to Dominic. With tense focus, he regulated his breathing to remain steadfast in his wish for an explanation. They needed to talk, to discuss their move forward, and he could not do this if his body's craving for Dominic consumed him.
"I never said I wouldn't forgive you, I just meant that I need more than an apology to make things ok." His long fingers folded themselves in his lap, his right leg shaking with anxiety. While he knew that Dominic's apology would not be enough to quell his internal hurt, he knew that he owed Dominic just as much. Through force of will, he formed an apology and laced it with an explanation, praying with every fiber of his being that the blonde did not turn him away.
"That said, I know I owe you an apology, too," he began slowly. He could not look Dominic in the eyes. "I got upset with you because you kissed me and then hurt me. By all rights, it should have been just a kiss, it should have been nothing to both us, should have been strange and awkward. But it wasn't for me, and I never told you why."
Toes pressing into the floor, he watched how his foot flexed and bent, the skin on the bridge becoming white with tension. He could feel Dominic's heated stare, filling his heart with nervous fire. Through the flames, he forced himself to continue.
"I can't pretend that...." he trailed off. It was then that he closed his eyes, bracing himself for the storm of words he was about to unleash in the quiet room. "I....I feel for you," he stated. "I feel for you, I want you. I read a book and I want you. I get on the tube and I want you. I see you painting a wall, and I positively throb. And I never told you. So when you kissed me, it was a culmination of all my want and need for you and...this isn't making sense." He brought his hand to his forehead, rubbing the skin with his fingers as his brow furrowed with what he was trying to say. "Whenever you touch me or hug me, I'm always going to want more. When you kissed me, I was convinced that maybe one day you would want more too."
Released into the atmosphere, the words hung heavy as they lingered, their weight preventing Matthew from drifting away with relief. A sense of sheepishness crept into his veins, knowing well he was never able to make grandiose speeches, never eloquent enough to do the nature of his feelings justice.
It was a pattern with him, it seemed. When he had first told Evan he loved him, he had done so in the doorway of Evan's dorm room, panting with elation and anxiety. He had just received the most breathtaking kiss of his life, and the words had slipped from his lips in exactly the same nature Dom's hurtful words had. Evan had gazed into his eyes, lips parted in a soft smile and Matthew had felt the urge to continue his speech. He had fumbled through words, the close proximity to Evan, the way the other boy's hands fisted in his hair as he drew his words to a close, he was lucky he even spoke at all.
Under different circumstances, it seemed his uncertainty remained, making all the words he could possibly say to Dominic inadequate. And in the aftermath of his speech, the only thing he could do was wait the claustrophobic silence.
"What if...."
The words came soft and listless, derailed and barely reaching Matthew's ears from behind palms pressed against the moving lips. Matthew removed his hand from his forehead, to find Dominic to have lifted his from his mouth, planning to say more. But the brunet was impatient, the words confusing him completely. "What?" he asked.
Dominic's shoulders tensed. "What if I already did want more?"
Matthew stilled, dumbstruck by the question. He was not sure it was meant to be answered, and so he refused to let the dangerous hope enter his heart once more. He had learned his lesson once before and he shook his head. "I'm gonna need more than that, Dominic."
Removing his hands from his face, Dominic sat back and regarded Matthew with a solemn smile. "I knew how you felt, Matthew. I knew that kissing you would mean some kind of hope for a future would plant itself in your brain. I knew that from the minute I put my hands on your face, and I didn't stop myself."
Impossible blankness filled Matthew's mind as he was taken aback. "How the fuck am I supposed to react to that?" Matthew wanted to scream, not knowing at all what he was getting at.
"No, just wait a minute, ok?" Dominic wrung his hands together, watching his fingers move intently. Matthew could see he was struggling internally to piece his words together, but Matthew was struggling himself to cope with what was just said. "It's like...I know I'm not gay."
"You don't have to say that again, ok? I fucking get it," he said angrily, his fist hitting the table with a slam.
"Matthew stop! Just listen to me!" Dominic pleaded, eyes wide and shimmering with a wetness Matthew did not want to believe were tears. "When I was with Julia, before we met, I would look at other women. Not like, check them out or, you know, shop for another girlfriend while she was on my arm. But I'm a guy, I can't help it. And Julia never cared. She knew that I was just appreciated the aesthetics of the female body, she trusted that I loved her and she did exactly the same with other blokes. But then I met you and it's like....it's like...I don't even want to look at Julia sometimes. Fuck, I can't believe I'm saying that." He looked away from Matthew then, his head tipping back to the ceiling as he became gripped by the gravity of his words.
"You're a bloke, and I think you're magnificent," he continued, biting his lip as he brought his eyes back to Matthew, who had become frozen into place. "I look at you and....and I want you. I look at you and I want to forget I have a girlfriend. I go home and I want to come home to you. But I'm not gay because I don't appreciate the aesthetics of the male body. I appreciate the aesthetics of you. No, fuck, that's not what I mean. Appreciate makes it sound like I just think you're pretty. You're so much more than that...you're....you're you. And - and I worship you. I worship you."
Falling back into his chair, Matthew stared at Dominic. The blonde's cheeks had flushed while he was speaking, giving him the look of an angelic cherub. It was an ironic contrast, particularly because he was admitting that he had feelings for another person while he was engaged; it was a cloaked admission that he did not regret his minor offense of adultery. Before he could even respond, Dominic continued speaking, full lips moving at rapid pace. His large hands were caught between gripping the table and flicking through the air, and Matthew became transfixed as he watched Dominic fall apart before him.
"I fucking hate Spanish, you know that?" He laughed, a tired and exhausted laugh. "I really do. I fucking despise it, because I don't understand it. But you speak it all the time and it's like, I can't control myself. I hate Spanish because it makes me lose control. When Julia speaks Spanish, I feel like I'm being talked down to. When I try to speak Spanish, I feel inadequate, like I'm five years old again and nothing I do is right. When you speak Spanish, I need to have you. I positively have to have you, like, immediately. I have no idea why. When you start mindlessly rambling in the language, my dick throbs and suddenly you're the only person on the face of the planet, and I need you."
The words were falling from his mouth, and he very much appeared to Matthew as a man without control.
"I'm a grown man," he said, slapping his hand to his chest. "I'm a grown man who can't control himself around you. What does that mean? I'm not gay!" He tossed his arms in the air at the exclamation, eyebrows pushed up on his forehead as he shouted it to the walls of the kitchen. "But I want you, and you're a bloke. And why now? Why do I want you so fucking badly?" He growled the last statement through grit teeth and Matthew felt his insides twist. His eyes pierced him, begging the brunet to understand his confusion, his anguish, his desire. "Why do I want you now when I've just promised a woman that I love that I want to spend my life with her? I promised her I'd never want anyone else, so now I'm a cheat and a liar. And if I'm already going to hell, I might as well embrace it."
He became silent then, his chest heaving as his gray eyes frantically awaited Matthew's reaction. Matthew had not breathed for quite some time, the revelation of Dominic's feelings leaving him breathless. Fragmented pieces of what Dom had been trying to say the day before had filtered through to one long statement that informed Matthew just how badly the blonde wanted him. He understood why Dominic had used Spanish as an excuse, understood why he had frantically shaken his head at his denial of homosexuality. As the pieces began to fit together, Matthew remained chained to the reality of the situation. As badly as he wanted to rejoice in the announcement, to fall to the floor at Dominic's feet and tell him that it was he who should be worshiped, he remembered exactly why he wouldn't: Julia.
His conversations with Julia had been limited, but in the time he had gotten to know her, he felt a strange affinity with her. They were not bound by their knowledge of Spain, of language, nor by their desire for the same man. In all the days that he had felt envious of her for sleeping at Dominic's side, he did not see himself as at war with her. She was not a villain to be defeated, Dominic not a thing to be conquered by his love. Women had come and gone in his life, and he respected none of them as he did Julia, her capability for compassion, her seemingly endless affection for those around her made her special, made her deserving of Dominic's love. But he had sensed her steadfast belief in right and wrong, and that is why she deserved none of what was happening behind her back.
It was his respect for Julia that made him weary of how deeply he would rejoice in the interim of Dominic's confession.
"Dominic," he said slowly. What could he say? There were so many things he couldn't, and what was acceptable was severely limited. "Julia..." was all he could manage.
The blonde held his gaze, their mixed stares containing new meaning as their true feelings burned through both their pupils. Matthew watched as Dominic slid his tongue out to wet his lips, following the muscle with reserved hunger.
"I can't..." Dominic drifted. He shook his head, blond hair swishing softly around his cheek bones. "I promised her but I - I -" He frowned, and Matthew wanted to kiss the expression away.
"Dominic," Matthew began, slowly leaning forward toward Dominic. "I am...speechless. Everything you said it's just...you know how I feel and what it means for me to hear it. But I am not going to do anything with this until you make up your mind about what...about who you want."
Dominic smiled. "Thank you. We can just..go back to normal."
Matthew shook his head. "No," he said sharply. "If you think for a second that I'm going to just smother how I feel and pretend nothing ever happened, you are sorely mistaken. I am not going to let you say these things and then be expected to pretend that our feelings don't exist. I can't do that and I won't. I want you to know how I feel about you, I want you think about it." He moved closer to the blonde, his eyes locked with the grey and he smiled. "I want you to seriously consider what exactly your heart and your mind...and your soul wants. I want this to be hard for you, because you don't deserve it to be easy. You don't deserve to have an easy road right now, because you crossed the line. It was you. You kissed me, and I kissed you back. I told you something you apparently already knew, but how you feel about me is a revelation. So no, I am not going back to normal. To everyone around us, that is what it will look like. But nothing will be normal for us again, because every time I look at you, you will know. And every time you look at me, I will know."
At such close proximity, Matthew charted the way Dominic's pupils dilated when they studied his face. He smiled, wickedly, flirtatiously, as the blonde absorbed his words, studying the small ways in which Dominic shifted in his seat.
"Then...what do we...do?" Dominic asked weakly. He appeared afraid and gravely uncertain of his own future.
He smiled softly, knowing well there was nothing he could say that could fully put the other man at ease. "I know you still love Julia. Just because I can't pretend this didn't happen doesn't mean I won't be patient or give you time. You know how I feel, and you know how Julia feels. What happens next is your move."
~~
The walk back to Dominic's flat seemed endless, the winding streets before him stretching out for eternity. His feet moved in sluggish motions while his heart beat heavy and hard in his chest. Contained in the shelter of Matthew's flat, his ability to speak innumerable truths, to vent his confusion, had filled him with an indescribable lightness. It had felt good to be open, to be honest, as though the past few weeks of his existence had been a lie.
He had known, deep within the marrow of his bones, how Matthew felt about him, but to hear the words felt as though he was given the ability to float with incandescent happiness. Saying how he felt for the brunet was a confession and an admission, to Matthew and to himself. No longer would he allow himself to hide behind the mask of in-affect. Matthew needed to know, and he himself needed to admit his feelings to himself, to someone, without the placement of labels or strains of expectations, in order to move forward with their relationship.
But they were at a decided standstill, it seemed. It was becoming alarmingly clear that he did not deserve either of the people he wanted so desperately in his life. Julia was entirely a victim of hidden circumstances, and Matthew had nothing but her feelings in his mind, even when it was obvious that he was deliciously pleased with everything Dominic had said.
Matthew had also been very serious when he said he would not make the choice easy for Dom. As he had stood to leave and return to his own flat, Matthew had remained disturbingly close to his body, as though it were a test of will. The challenge he presented was erotic torture, standing close to say goodbye, smelling Dominic's neck before he turned to immerse himself in painting once more. His blithe nonchalance had frustrated him, but it had also made the swell in his trousers painful. Arms aching to reach for the brunet, he instead reached for the doorknob and let himself out. As he descended the stairs in the complex, his body cried at the loss, wishing only to return the the flat which felt remarkably like home.
Turning the corner that lead to his own flat, Dominic began to brace himself for how he would face Julia. He had left while she was in the shower, her demeanor around him cold and stern with the knowledge of his cruelty. He hoped, for his sake, that she would remain calm around him, not forcing the details of his apology and would remain placated simply because he had done as she had asked.
Pushing open the door, he heard music playing from the bedroom, a simple piano piece that he could not name. When stressed, Julia took to classical music like a lost child to her mother, putting many pieces on repeat until Dominic grew so tired of them he felt compelled to walk in circles around town. He felt hideously guilty, knowing it was he who had spurred this reaction.
The bedroom door was ajar, and he gently opened it wide to find Julia merely lying on the bed, eyes closed with her arms above her head as she let the natural swell of the music wash over her body. She was naked, and she was beautiful. His cock twitched from pressure, already hardened by Matthew's intoxicating closeness, as it strained from the sight. He felt dirty, wanting her so quickly after admitting that he wanted another the same way,
"Julia?" he asked quietly, lingering in the doorway and unsure if he should move closer. He wanted to test her tone before he entered her world completely.
Slowly, she turned her head, bringing her wide eyes to gaze at him as a smile stretched across her face. "Come here, Dominic." Her request was gentle, not a demand.
Her voice lured him in, pulled him to the bed with unintentional seductiveness. Toeing off his sandals, he climbed onto the bed at her side, bringing his knees to his chest in a protective barrier, from what he did not know, as he peered down at her face.
"Hello," he whispered.
"Hi." She beamed up at him and his heart swelled against his wishes. "I might have been a bit harsh on you before.” Her fingers lifted to toy with the messy strands of his hair. “Not that you didn't deserve it, but I think whatever happened with Matt was your business and I shouldn't have gotten involved so quickly."
Dominic fought back a cringe, wishing he could tell her just how involved she should be, just how involved she already was. "It's fine," he managed to say, bringing a hand to stroke her face. "I deserved that, really." He uttered the words with fierce conviction. "I went over and apologized, and he accepted. I think everything should be ok." As he said the words, he silently prayed that he could believe them.
Lifting herself to rest on her elbows, she reached up to press a kiss to Dominic's lips. "You're such a good man, you know that?" The words were like a dagger to his heart.
He wanted to shout that she was wrong, wanted to tell her what sort of meaning his apology to Matthew had been laced with, wanted to tell her everything. But more than anything, he didn't want to hurt her.
"Thank you," he said softly. He shouldn't have thanked her.
She sat up fully, cupping his face with a smile as she kissed him harder, he tongue tracing his bottom lip gently. Opening to her, she invaded his mouth, searching and stroking the dark cavern and corners of his mouth. He hummed, unable to deny the distinct pleasure he received from her kisses.
Bringing a hand to lace in her long locks, his fingers twined in the thickness that was still wet from her shower. She brought their bodies close, leaning into him and guiding his back onto the mattress as she climbed to straddle his legs. His mind begged her not to take this where he thought it was going, positively screaming to go without yet another thing to feel guilty for. His heart struggled in conflict, wanting to touch and pleasure her while still wanting to pull away and return to the man he had just left. But his body abided none, reacting only to the wandering hands that stroked and palmed his fully hard cock.
Against his lips, he felt her smile before she pulled away to slink down his legs. His eyes remained half lidded as the striking green refused to pull away. Her full red lips smirked devilishly as one hand snuck up the hem of his shirt to scratch idly at the skin of his abdomen. Electricity trickled through him, his senses heightening to an impossible level from the simple action. The other hand deftly undid the button and fly of his trousers, tugging them slowly to a V and away from his hips.
Both hands worked to pull his boxers and trousers down, releasing his cock to the air that was cooler than it had been used to in it's confinement. Without any warning other than an impish grin, Julia bent to take him wholly in her mouth, the tip of his cock hitting the back of her throat in one fell swoop.
Wrong and right battled in his veins. His voice seemed to freeze in his throat, unable to tell her to stop, to mutter words of encouragement, or even to make a sound of pleasure. Lips sealed tight, pleasure and suffering rippled through him as he felt tears prickle the corner of his eyes. The heat of her mouth burned him, and he tried to thick of the moist depths as hell. As her tongue dragged itself slowly along his slit, he could no longer stand it and he cried out, his vocalization of pleasure stripping any kind of suffering from his body.
He would not allow himself to forget Matthew, to forget what he said, and he would not allow himself to be divorced from Julia's ministrations. Opening his eyes to watch his cock disappear into her tightly wound lips, his breath caught at the sight of her dark tresses scattered over his light skin. One hand coming to furl in them, to hold her to his groin, he suddenly pictured Matthew as the one pleasuring him.
Green eyes gazing up at him became ocean blue. Full lips became thin. Brown hair became ebony, and suddenly he was drowning. He whimpered as he felt a hand come to stroke his balls, and he felt Matthew's fingers, the skilled, and calloused hands of the guitarist fondling him as he would the neck of his guitar. Trusting up into the welcoming heat, he allowed himself to be a common whore, begging only for release.
His belly tightened, so close to orgasm but so far away. Clenching his fist in the hair he clutched at so desperately, he found his voice once more.
"Mmmma -" He stopped himself. How dangerously close he had come to giving himself away, to shrieking Matthew's name in a room he certainly did not occupy.
Gone was the blue and the black. In their place, confused green peered at him, urging him to continue as full lips continued their diligent sucking.
Tossing his head back on his pillow, he shut his eyes and lied once more. "More, baby. More."
Author:
lalalive23 Pairing: Belldom
Rating: NC-17
Warning: Swearing and sexual content
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: FINALLY! The long awaited update. My poor boys have been fighting with me about getting this out. They're stubborn little buggers, not wanting to be honest with themselves but...here we are. It took me so long to write this, mainly because I needed to be sure that everything was perfect. But more than that, I wanted this to be real. Nothing about this story was ever intended to be easy, because love isn't easy (and you're one of the lucky ones if it is, for you). I spent so much time reading this and checking to make sure these discussions were exactly as I wanted them to be. Picking the music for this chapter was also a frigging bitch. I can't write if I'm not musically inspired and I needed something with a proper tone. Tool always sets me at ease. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter (though I'm pretty sure you will ;)) *also...are we really at 15 parts? goddamn!*
Endless thanks to my musketeers
dolce_piccante , millionstar , and sunshine_173 for being bit readers, inspiration givers, cheerleaders, and spot fixers. Honestly, my fic would be nothing if I didn't have them.Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14A Chapter 14B
The words rained over Matthew, gripping and absorbing into his skin to saturate him with emotion. He pressed his body into the door behind him, his heart beating rapidly as he witnessed Dominic's expression morph from one of false confidence to unbearable agony. Before him, the blonde was burning from the inside out, eyes dimming as he exhaled a shaking breath through parted lips. Brow furrowed in sincerity, Dominic became a victim of the weight of his actions, crumbling beneath it, and systematically becoming crushed.
He forced his hands to remain at his sides, his body crying out to envelop to blonde to comfort him, hold him, to love him into calm stillness. The sensation rippled through him, a shock wave of need trying to propel him to where his heart yearned to be, yet the only visible sign of such desire he would allow was the nervous twitching of his fingers against the wood.
Some years ago, at the peak of their time together, Evan had left the house in a magnificent fury, announcing with a bellow that he was leaving Matthew and Matt had only encouraged him to take the steps away from the flat, convinced he never wanted to see him again. An hour had passed before Evan returned, eyes wet with tears of regret, body trembling in sadness as he sputtered the words "I love you, forgive me" over and over to Matthew, to the walls, to the air, to the gods, to anyone who would listen. Matthew had held him, and he had been sure that nothing could ever compare to the affect those words had on him.
But then Dominic had come to stand before him, all beauty and unwavering conviction as his eyes silently pleaded for forgiveness, lips repeating 'I'm so sorry' in gasped and strangled breaths. The words alone made him want to forgive, accept, move on, forget, but his morals would not allow him to make such impulsive decisions. Briefly, the thought entered his mind that the moral voice in his head would be Vida, and he smiled slightly. She had been right, he deserved an apology, but he too deserved an explanation.
He mustered the strength to speak, closing his eyes momentarily in a silent prayer that his faltering courage did not make him sound weak. "I know you are," was all he could manage.
It was as though the words sucked the air out of Dominic's body, his shoulders seeming to slump as he curled in on himself. The gray orbs searched desperately, willing Matthew to continue.
"What would you like me to say?" he asked, exasperated. He hated to see Dominic in pain, metaphorically on his knees as he begged for them both to move on, but he would not put this behind them so easily. His feelings has been hurt, and he needed to know why Dominic had said what he said. "I can't say 'it's ok' and forgive you just like that, Dom. It isn't ok. You hurt me - I trusted you and you hurt me. I know you're sorry but I can't just let you off the hook."
The blonde nodded slowly, his eyes falling to the floor as his face suddenly became ashen. He turned from Matthew, then, walking slowly to a chair at the small kitchen table and he collapsed, his head falling into the palms of his hands. "I know I fucked up," he murmured softly. "I know I fucked everything up. I just need you to forgive me. Please."
It shook him, rattled him straight through his bones, to see Dominic so upset. An ache formed in his center, an ache that seemed to form a gravitational pull centered around Dominic's crumbled and broken figure. It lured him, dragged him unwillingly from his position at the door to be close to the blonde as he shook with difficult breaths. Matthew could not know what he would do if he came into close proximity with Dominic's body. Having known its taste, its intimate shape, seeing it distressed was causing him excruciating pain. His hands wanted to reach and stroke the light coloured locks, to caress each cheek with tenderness; his lips burned, wanting to press themselves to the forehead in an attempt to save Dominic from his personal hell.
He denied himself these simple pleasures, bringing himself to sit stiffly in a the chair next to Dominic. With tense focus, he regulated his breathing to remain steadfast in his wish for an explanation. They needed to talk, to discuss their move forward, and he could not do this if his body's craving for Dominic consumed him.
"I never said I wouldn't forgive you, I just meant that I need more than an apology to make things ok." His long fingers folded themselves in his lap, his right leg shaking with anxiety. While he knew that Dominic's apology would not be enough to quell his internal hurt, he knew that he owed Dominic just as much. Through force of will, he formed an apology and laced it with an explanation, praying with every fiber of his being that the blonde did not turn him away.
"That said, I know I owe you an apology, too," he began slowly. He could not look Dominic in the eyes. "I got upset with you because you kissed me and then hurt me. By all rights, it should have been just a kiss, it should have been nothing to both us, should have been strange and awkward. But it wasn't for me, and I never told you why."
Toes pressing into the floor, he watched how his foot flexed and bent, the skin on the bridge becoming white with tension. He could feel Dominic's heated stare, filling his heart with nervous fire. Through the flames, he forced himself to continue.
"I can't pretend that...." he trailed off. It was then that he closed his eyes, bracing himself for the storm of words he was about to unleash in the quiet room. "I....I feel for you," he stated. "I feel for you, I want you. I read a book and I want you. I get on the tube and I want you. I see you painting a wall, and I positively throb. And I never told you. So when you kissed me, it was a culmination of all my want and need for you and...this isn't making sense." He brought his hand to his forehead, rubbing the skin with his fingers as his brow furrowed with what he was trying to say. "Whenever you touch me or hug me, I'm always going to want more. When you kissed me, I was convinced that maybe one day you would want more too."
Released into the atmosphere, the words hung heavy as they lingered, their weight preventing Matthew from drifting away with relief. A sense of sheepishness crept into his veins, knowing well he was never able to make grandiose speeches, never eloquent enough to do the nature of his feelings justice.
It was a pattern with him, it seemed. When he had first told Evan he loved him, he had done so in the doorway of Evan's dorm room, panting with elation and anxiety. He had just received the most breathtaking kiss of his life, and the words had slipped from his lips in exactly the same nature Dom's hurtful words had. Evan had gazed into his eyes, lips parted in a soft smile and Matthew had felt the urge to continue his speech. He had fumbled through words, the close proximity to Evan, the way the other boy's hands fisted in his hair as he drew his words to a close, he was lucky he even spoke at all.
Under different circumstances, it seemed his uncertainty remained, making all the words he could possibly say to Dominic inadequate. And in the aftermath of his speech, the only thing he could do was wait the claustrophobic silence.
"What if...."
The words came soft and listless, derailed and barely reaching Matthew's ears from behind palms pressed against the moving lips. Matthew removed his hand from his forehead, to find Dominic to have lifted his from his mouth, planning to say more. But the brunet was impatient, the words confusing him completely. "What?" he asked.
Dominic's shoulders tensed. "What if I already did want more?"
Matthew stilled, dumbstruck by the question. He was not sure it was meant to be answered, and so he refused to let the dangerous hope enter his heart once more. He had learned his lesson once before and he shook his head. "I'm gonna need more than that, Dominic."
Removing his hands from his face, Dominic sat back and regarded Matthew with a solemn smile. "I knew how you felt, Matthew. I knew that kissing you would mean some kind of hope for a future would plant itself in your brain. I knew that from the minute I put my hands on your face, and I didn't stop myself."
Impossible blankness filled Matthew's mind as he was taken aback. "How the fuck am I supposed to react to that?" Matthew wanted to scream, not knowing at all what he was getting at.
"No, just wait a minute, ok?" Dominic wrung his hands together, watching his fingers move intently. Matthew could see he was struggling internally to piece his words together, but Matthew was struggling himself to cope with what was just said. "It's like...I know I'm not gay."
"You don't have to say that again, ok? I fucking get it," he said angrily, his fist hitting the table with a slam.
"Matthew stop! Just listen to me!" Dominic pleaded, eyes wide and shimmering with a wetness Matthew did not want to believe were tears. "When I was with Julia, before we met, I would look at other women. Not like, check them out or, you know, shop for another girlfriend while she was on my arm. But I'm a guy, I can't help it. And Julia never cared. She knew that I was just appreciated the aesthetics of the female body, she trusted that I loved her and she did exactly the same with other blokes. But then I met you and it's like....it's like...I don't even want to look at Julia sometimes. Fuck, I can't believe I'm saying that." He looked away from Matthew then, his head tipping back to the ceiling as he became gripped by the gravity of his words.
"You're a bloke, and I think you're magnificent," he continued, biting his lip as he brought his eyes back to Matthew, who had become frozen into place. "I look at you and....and I want you. I look at you and I want to forget I have a girlfriend. I go home and I want to come home to you. But I'm not gay because I don't appreciate the aesthetics of the male body. I appreciate the aesthetics of you. No, fuck, that's not what I mean. Appreciate makes it sound like I just think you're pretty. You're so much more than that...you're....you're you. And - and I worship you. I worship you."
Falling back into his chair, Matthew stared at Dominic. The blonde's cheeks had flushed while he was speaking, giving him the look of an angelic cherub. It was an ironic contrast, particularly because he was admitting that he had feelings for another person while he was engaged; it was a cloaked admission that he did not regret his minor offense of adultery. Before he could even respond, Dominic continued speaking, full lips moving at rapid pace. His large hands were caught between gripping the table and flicking through the air, and Matthew became transfixed as he watched Dominic fall apart before him.
"I fucking hate Spanish, you know that?" He laughed, a tired and exhausted laugh. "I really do. I fucking despise it, because I don't understand it. But you speak it all the time and it's like, I can't control myself. I hate Spanish because it makes me lose control. When Julia speaks Spanish, I feel like I'm being talked down to. When I try to speak Spanish, I feel inadequate, like I'm five years old again and nothing I do is right. When you speak Spanish, I need to have you. I positively have to have you, like, immediately. I have no idea why. When you start mindlessly rambling in the language, my dick throbs and suddenly you're the only person on the face of the planet, and I need you."
The words were falling from his mouth, and he very much appeared to Matthew as a man without control.
"I'm a grown man," he said, slapping his hand to his chest. "I'm a grown man who can't control himself around you. What does that mean? I'm not gay!" He tossed his arms in the air at the exclamation, eyebrows pushed up on his forehead as he shouted it to the walls of the kitchen. "But I want you, and you're a bloke. And why now? Why do I want you so fucking badly?" He growled the last statement through grit teeth and Matthew felt his insides twist. His eyes pierced him, begging the brunet to understand his confusion, his anguish, his desire. "Why do I want you now when I've just promised a woman that I love that I want to spend my life with her? I promised her I'd never want anyone else, so now I'm a cheat and a liar. And if I'm already going to hell, I might as well embrace it."
He became silent then, his chest heaving as his gray eyes frantically awaited Matthew's reaction. Matthew had not breathed for quite some time, the revelation of Dominic's feelings leaving him breathless. Fragmented pieces of what Dom had been trying to say the day before had filtered through to one long statement that informed Matthew just how badly the blonde wanted him. He understood why Dominic had used Spanish as an excuse, understood why he had frantically shaken his head at his denial of homosexuality. As the pieces began to fit together, Matthew remained chained to the reality of the situation. As badly as he wanted to rejoice in the announcement, to fall to the floor at Dominic's feet and tell him that it was he who should be worshiped, he remembered exactly why he wouldn't: Julia.
His conversations with Julia had been limited, but in the time he had gotten to know her, he felt a strange affinity with her. They were not bound by their knowledge of Spain, of language, nor by their desire for the same man. In all the days that he had felt envious of her for sleeping at Dominic's side, he did not see himself as at war with her. She was not a villain to be defeated, Dominic not a thing to be conquered by his love. Women had come and gone in his life, and he respected none of them as he did Julia, her capability for compassion, her seemingly endless affection for those around her made her special, made her deserving of Dominic's love. But he had sensed her steadfast belief in right and wrong, and that is why she deserved none of what was happening behind her back.
It was his respect for Julia that made him weary of how deeply he would rejoice in the interim of Dominic's confession.
"Dominic," he said slowly. What could he say? There were so many things he couldn't, and what was acceptable was severely limited. "Julia..." was all he could manage.
The blonde held his gaze, their mixed stares containing new meaning as their true feelings burned through both their pupils. Matthew watched as Dominic slid his tongue out to wet his lips, following the muscle with reserved hunger.
"I can't..." Dominic drifted. He shook his head, blond hair swishing softly around his cheek bones. "I promised her but I - I -" He frowned, and Matthew wanted to kiss the expression away.
"Dominic," Matthew began, slowly leaning forward toward Dominic. "I am...speechless. Everything you said it's just...you know how I feel and what it means for me to hear it. But I am not going to do anything with this until you make up your mind about what...about who you want."
Dominic smiled. "Thank you. We can just..go back to normal."
Matthew shook his head. "No," he said sharply. "If you think for a second that I'm going to just smother how I feel and pretend nothing ever happened, you are sorely mistaken. I am not going to let you say these things and then be expected to pretend that our feelings don't exist. I can't do that and I won't. I want you to know how I feel about you, I want you think about it." He moved closer to the blonde, his eyes locked with the grey and he smiled. "I want you to seriously consider what exactly your heart and your mind...and your soul wants. I want this to be hard for you, because you don't deserve it to be easy. You don't deserve to have an easy road right now, because you crossed the line. It was you. You kissed me, and I kissed you back. I told you something you apparently already knew, but how you feel about me is a revelation. So no, I am not going back to normal. To everyone around us, that is what it will look like. But nothing will be normal for us again, because every time I look at you, you will know. And every time you look at me, I will know."
At such close proximity, Matthew charted the way Dominic's pupils dilated when they studied his face. He smiled, wickedly, flirtatiously, as the blonde absorbed his words, studying the small ways in which Dominic shifted in his seat.
"Then...what do we...do?" Dominic asked weakly. He appeared afraid and gravely uncertain of his own future.
He smiled softly, knowing well there was nothing he could say that could fully put the other man at ease. "I know you still love Julia. Just because I can't pretend this didn't happen doesn't mean I won't be patient or give you time. You know how I feel, and you know how Julia feels. What happens next is your move."
~~
The walk back to Dominic's flat seemed endless, the winding streets before him stretching out for eternity. His feet moved in sluggish motions while his heart beat heavy and hard in his chest. Contained in the shelter of Matthew's flat, his ability to speak innumerable truths, to vent his confusion, had filled him with an indescribable lightness. It had felt good to be open, to be honest, as though the past few weeks of his existence had been a lie.
He had known, deep within the marrow of his bones, how Matthew felt about him, but to hear the words felt as though he was given the ability to float with incandescent happiness. Saying how he felt for the brunet was a confession and an admission, to Matthew and to himself. No longer would he allow himself to hide behind the mask of in-affect. Matthew needed to know, and he himself needed to admit his feelings to himself, to someone, without the placement of labels or strains of expectations, in order to move forward with their relationship.
But they were at a decided standstill, it seemed. It was becoming alarmingly clear that he did not deserve either of the people he wanted so desperately in his life. Julia was entirely a victim of hidden circumstances, and Matthew had nothing but her feelings in his mind, even when it was obvious that he was deliciously pleased with everything Dominic had said.
Matthew had also been very serious when he said he would not make the choice easy for Dom. As he had stood to leave and return to his own flat, Matthew had remained disturbingly close to his body, as though it were a test of will. The challenge he presented was erotic torture, standing close to say goodbye, smelling Dominic's neck before he turned to immerse himself in painting once more. His blithe nonchalance had frustrated him, but it had also made the swell in his trousers painful. Arms aching to reach for the brunet, he instead reached for the doorknob and let himself out. As he descended the stairs in the complex, his body cried at the loss, wishing only to return the the flat which felt remarkably like home.
Turning the corner that lead to his own flat, Dominic began to brace himself for how he would face Julia. He had left while she was in the shower, her demeanor around him cold and stern with the knowledge of his cruelty. He hoped, for his sake, that she would remain calm around him, not forcing the details of his apology and would remain placated simply because he had done as she had asked.
Pushing open the door, he heard music playing from the bedroom, a simple piano piece that he could not name. When stressed, Julia took to classical music like a lost child to her mother, putting many pieces on repeat until Dominic grew so tired of them he felt compelled to walk in circles around town. He felt hideously guilty, knowing it was he who had spurred this reaction.
The bedroom door was ajar, and he gently opened it wide to find Julia merely lying on the bed, eyes closed with her arms above her head as she let the natural swell of the music wash over her body. She was naked, and she was beautiful. His cock twitched from pressure, already hardened by Matthew's intoxicating closeness, as it strained from the sight. He felt dirty, wanting her so quickly after admitting that he wanted another the same way,
"Julia?" he asked quietly, lingering in the doorway and unsure if he should move closer. He wanted to test her tone before he entered her world completely.
Slowly, she turned her head, bringing her wide eyes to gaze at him as a smile stretched across her face. "Come here, Dominic." Her request was gentle, not a demand.
Her voice lured him in, pulled him to the bed with unintentional seductiveness. Toeing off his sandals, he climbed onto the bed at her side, bringing his knees to his chest in a protective barrier, from what he did not know, as he peered down at her face.
"Hello," he whispered.
"Hi." She beamed up at him and his heart swelled against his wishes. "I might have been a bit harsh on you before.” Her fingers lifted to toy with the messy strands of his hair. “Not that you didn't deserve it, but I think whatever happened with Matt was your business and I shouldn't have gotten involved so quickly."
Dominic fought back a cringe, wishing he could tell her just how involved she should be, just how involved she already was. "It's fine," he managed to say, bringing a hand to stroke her face. "I deserved that, really." He uttered the words with fierce conviction. "I went over and apologized, and he accepted. I think everything should be ok." As he said the words, he silently prayed that he could believe them.
Lifting herself to rest on her elbows, she reached up to press a kiss to Dominic's lips. "You're such a good man, you know that?" The words were like a dagger to his heart.
He wanted to shout that she was wrong, wanted to tell her what sort of meaning his apology to Matthew had been laced with, wanted to tell her everything. But more than anything, he didn't want to hurt her.
"Thank you," he said softly. He shouldn't have thanked her.
She sat up fully, cupping his face with a smile as she kissed him harder, he tongue tracing his bottom lip gently. Opening to her, she invaded his mouth, searching and stroking the dark cavern and corners of his mouth. He hummed, unable to deny the distinct pleasure he received from her kisses.
Bringing a hand to lace in her long locks, his fingers twined in the thickness that was still wet from her shower. She brought their bodies close, leaning into him and guiding his back onto the mattress as she climbed to straddle his legs. His mind begged her not to take this where he thought it was going, positively screaming to go without yet another thing to feel guilty for. His heart struggled in conflict, wanting to touch and pleasure her while still wanting to pull away and return to the man he had just left. But his body abided none, reacting only to the wandering hands that stroked and palmed his fully hard cock.
Against his lips, he felt her smile before she pulled away to slink down his legs. His eyes remained half lidded as the striking green refused to pull away. Her full red lips smirked devilishly as one hand snuck up the hem of his shirt to scratch idly at the skin of his abdomen. Electricity trickled through him, his senses heightening to an impossible level from the simple action. The other hand deftly undid the button and fly of his trousers, tugging them slowly to a V and away from his hips.
Both hands worked to pull his boxers and trousers down, releasing his cock to the air that was cooler than it had been used to in it's confinement. Without any warning other than an impish grin, Julia bent to take him wholly in her mouth, the tip of his cock hitting the back of her throat in one fell swoop.
Wrong and right battled in his veins. His voice seemed to freeze in his throat, unable to tell her to stop, to mutter words of encouragement, or even to make a sound of pleasure. Lips sealed tight, pleasure and suffering rippled through him as he felt tears prickle the corner of his eyes. The heat of her mouth burned him, and he tried to thick of the moist depths as hell. As her tongue dragged itself slowly along his slit, he could no longer stand it and he cried out, his vocalization of pleasure stripping any kind of suffering from his body.
He would not allow himself to forget Matthew, to forget what he said, and he would not allow himself to be divorced from Julia's ministrations. Opening his eyes to watch his cock disappear into her tightly wound lips, his breath caught at the sight of her dark tresses scattered over his light skin. One hand coming to furl in them, to hold her to his groin, he suddenly pictured Matthew as the one pleasuring him.
Green eyes gazing up at him became ocean blue. Full lips became thin. Brown hair became ebony, and suddenly he was drowning. He whimpered as he felt a hand come to stroke his balls, and he felt Matthew's fingers, the skilled, and calloused hands of the guitarist fondling him as he would the neck of his guitar. Trusting up into the welcoming heat, he allowed himself to be a common whore, begging only for release.
His belly tightened, so close to orgasm but so far away. Clenching his fist in the hair he clutched at so desperately, he found his voice once more.
"Mmmma -" He stopped himself. How dangerously close he had come to giving himself away, to shrieking Matthew's name in a room he certainly did not occupy.
Gone was the blue and the black. In their place, confused green peered at him, urging him to continue as full lips continued their diligent sucking.
Tossing his head back on his pillow, he shut his eyes and lied once more. "More, baby. More."