lalalive23 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lalalive23) wrote2011-02-20 11:37 pm
lalalive23) wrote2011-02-20 11:37 pm
Entry tags:
The Long Surrender: 19/??
Title: The Long Surrender
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lalalive23
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG
Warning: Fluff and sadness
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: So. Here we are. We find ourselves at the end of Part 2. Sigh. Only one part left until the end and the thought makes me want to curl up into a ball and weep. I know for a fact you guys will love the next two chapters. ;) Part of this was difficult to write, mostly because the last half is everything that I did after Arianna left. So, pardon if it feels choppy, pardon if it feels broken up and strange. It's the best and most accurate way I can describe those emotions. Many songs went into the inspiration for this chapter. They are all featured on the soundtrack I shall be posting immediately after this :D Dear readers, I love you <3
I send treats, love and worships todolce_piccante for talking to me all day about bacon, CVS, nail polish and random TV shows. Also for putting up with me for going on about Purple Rain. I love sheerpoetry for looking over this entire chapter for me. She is an angel <3
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14A Chapter 14B Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18
The following morning, Matthew woke, tangled in his sheets, after only a few hours sleep. In the dark of the night, he had tossed and turned, feeling as though Dominic's presence on his couch was crawling from beneath his door and into his bed. He could feel the blonde, feel the pressure of ghostly hands against his skin. In the oppressive quiet of the night, he could faintly hear the sound of Dominic's soft snores drifting through his walls. He had spent hours trapped in a weighted state of craving, and it was only when the sun turned the sky a faint shade of orange that his eyes finally shut from sheer exhaustion.
Bathed in the warm strands of sunlight, he waited, hoping to hear sounds of footsteps or the calm snores of the man on his couch. It was a veritable truth that Dominic might not be there at all. In the early hours of the morning, as he was just falling asleep, Dominic could have left, feeling too pressured by all the changes in his life. His racing mind could have prompted him to realize that this was, in fact, not what he wanted and that he had rushed over to the flat before he realized that he had let the one he wanted get away.
It was these thoughts, the thought of opening his bedroom door to find an empty flat, that left him paralyzed in his bed. He didn't know how he would respond, he only knew that the mere thought of being alone again left him feeling hollow and worthless.
But then, there was always the alternative.
He shifted minutely, his legs moving closer to the edge of the bed as if the notion of having Dominic on the other side of the wall as a magnetic force pulling him from the safety of his duvet.
Momentarily, he focused his strength on reigning his desires in. Shifting to sit up, he reminded himself that regardless if Dominic stayed, the blonde still had let him down. He had not vocalized anything to Julia, as far as he knew, and he had sat by and let others do his work for him. Matthew had forgiven him, of course, but he would not move forward until Dominic voiced exactly what he wanted, and when he wanted it.
Rubbing his hands over his face, he inhaled deeply, ears still listening for the sound of another person. He felt silly, knowing that the only way to end his torment was to remove himself from the bedroom and investigate the house. His desire to see Dominic's face is what lead him to standing. His desire to touch him is what lead him to moving his feet.
Opening the door quietly, he stuck his head out of the room and peered into the small hallway, seeing no signs of a body and hearing no sign of movement. He walked quietly in the hall, his skin prickling as he neared the corner wall where the couch was placed. Closing his eyes tightly, he walked into the living room and faced the couch, praying that Dom's form would still be there.
"Morning!" a voice came brightly to his ears.
His eyes snapped open, Dominic lying on the couch in a completely relaxed state, Arm behind his head, mobile in the other hand, he was draped over the furniture as though he came with the couch when Matthew bought it.
"You're still here," he said softly as he came to kneel in front of Dominic.
"Did you think I wouldn't be?" Dom chuckled softly. Large grey eyes peered at Matthew quizzically, and immediately he felt silly for imagining that he would he would leave at all.
He blushed as he brought his eyes to the shape of Dominic's crumpled shirt, the fabric having risen slightly during his night of shifting on the couch. "I thought, maybe..." he drifted, embarrassed for his assumptions based solely on his insecurities.
"Hey," Dominic whispered. A strong hand came to rest gently over Matthew's fingers where they rested on the cushion, toying softly with the tips. Slowly, he looked at the blonde's face, nibbling his lip in worry. "I told you I wanted this."
Matthew nodded, remembering clearly the numerous times Dominic had voiced that sentiment and added this moment to the small pile that had begun to form in his mind. "I know, but you still have a lot to think over. When you go back home...it's going to be different. It'll be hard. I mean...remember how I was?"
It seemed like years ago, his valiant return to London with Dom and Julia at his side, only to feel his confidence quiver and break the instant he stepped through his doorway. While they were living different situations, he knew that Dominic could not so easily separate himself from someone who had taken up such a large portion of his life.
It was Dominic's turn to look away. "Of course I do. I hated seeing you cry."
Against his wishes, Matthew smiled. "That's not what I mean," he clarified.
"No, I know. It's just..." Dominic's pink tongue came to lick his bottom lip as he formulated his words. "I thought about it a bit, last night after you went to bed. And...I love Julia, but I haven't been in love with her for a while. Things changed...we changed...after you."
"You make it sound so terrible," Matthew said weakly.
"Don't look at it that way. It's just...you know, what was I supposed to do? It's like, everything I knew about the world and myself changed after I met you. How I felt about Julia changed because....there was you. I tried not comparing you guys, I still don't, but I need to compare how I feel about the both of you. I can't deny that it's different. It shouldn't be, but it is." Dominic finished his explanation the moment his pinky finger slid to lock with Matthew's, the action sending a thrill through the brunet's spine.
"That still doesn't change the fact that you're going to miss her," Matthew whispered. He needed to drive this home, as best he could. Dominic might be sure that his desires were different but he would not allow Dominic to underestimate how much Julia mattered. And, oh, did she matter.
"I know I'm going to miss her. But I haven't missed her as a lover since the day I kissed you. I know I'm going to miss her as a friend, and I'm trying to deal with that. It's going to take a while to cope with it." He cut himself short, his vocalization of the sentence keeping Matthew on edge as he waited for more. Nothing ever came. He took the pause as his turn to speak.
"I just want you to be prepared." His lips twitched in the nervous way they did, forming a slanted frown for the briefest of moments. It was a habit he was aware of and one he couldn't help. He did, however, admire the way Dominic smiled at the action.
"Matt, I think it's silly to think that I'm prepared, and that I could ever be prepared. I won't really know until I get home, you know? Which, really, I should be doing that right now." With a groan, he moved to an upright position, his body pushing its way into the arm of the couch. His hand never removed itself from Matthew's as though the contact was a lifeline to which he clutched.
"I didn't mean prepared for the feeling, or the depth of the feeling. You could try and imagine it as much as you want but you will never truly be prepared for it. I think what I'm saying is that I want you to be prepared to accept that you will never truly be prepared to deal with this." Matthew gazed up at Dominic from his kneeling position, hoping that he could force Dominic to realize that everything they shared, and everything they felt, could mean nothing the instant he walked into his flat. There was nothing Matthew could do to help him, it was something that he needed to do by himself. All he could do was surrender himself to an indeterminable amount of waiting and hoping for Dom to come back to him.
It seemed as though Dominic was struggling to find the words or the will to speak, his eyes seeming to be focused on the thoughts in his head rather than Matthew pleading expression. He finally settled on a soft "thank you."
"There's more to this you know, than just missing her. I mean...like I said last night, you can't just waltz into homosexuality and expect it to be a breeze." The words felt more harsh than he intended them, and he had to look away from Dom's face into order to finish his sentence.
"I told you. I don't look at other guys and think 'oh, yeah baby, come my way.' I don't see 'men' as anything sexual. But you...I want you. And as for the struggle, I told Julia and I will tell you: I am willing to fight for you. You are worth the fight." There was a fierceness within his eyes that startled Matthew, the sincerity with which he said the words catching him off guard and leaving him breathless
It meant everything to him to hear those words and with such unyielding conviction. But he had heard sentiment echoed before in other words from Evan and, as much as he wanted to hold onto them and believe them with the same certainty in which they were said, he simply accepted the fact that the feeling could change faster than a heartbeat.
Liquid fire burned through Matthew's calves as he brought himself to stand, slowly extracting his fingers from Dom's grip. The instant their hands were separated, Dominic reached up and grabbed his hand completely, eyes begging to ask something he was finding the words to voice. Matthew stared at him questioningly, patiently waiting for him to explain himself.
"Can I kiss you?" Dominic asked with a delicate blush to his cheeks.
A tingle passed from his heart to his toes, warming Matthew's body to the core. "How long have you been waiting to ask me that?" he laughed, as he began to lean towards the lithe form before him.
"Since you pushed me away last night," Dominic whispered, sealing their lips together.
Warm lips slid across each other as they kissed, both men doing their best to keep things as chaste as possible. Dominic brought a hand to cup Matthew's cheek, a soft mewl escaping the brunet at the touch. He pulled away, then, pressing his forehead against Dominic's with his eyes closed in an effort to stop himself from going too far.
"I should go," Dominic whispered. Opening his eyes, Matthew studied the way the blonde's bottom lip shimmered with saliva, seeming to quake as he panted rhythmic and heavy breaths.
He nodded slowly, almost imperceptibly, in agreement. "Do you want breakfast or anything?"
"No, I'll eat when I get home if I can."
Neither one moved from their position, the feel of the other's warm breath simply erasing any desire to pull away. It was with great strength and unsurprising hesitancy that Matthew moved first, savoring the way Dominic whined quietly in protest.
Stepping away from the couch, Matthew watched silently as Dominic ran a hand through his hair, the strands seeming to shimmer gold and brown in the sunlight. It was almost as if he were glowing, warm and brilliant, and Matthew found himself struggling in his resistance to reach out and touch the blonde's skin. From beneath the folds of shirt, hipbones had become exposed, and countless fantasies that Matthew had created in his mind rushed behind his eyes as his mouth moistened at the sight. He was staring in unbridled enjoyment, and, as Dominic stood to adjust his clothing, he didn't have it in him to stop.
Dominic paused under Matthew's heated stare, his hand stilled in its action of tugging the shirt down. Leaving the rest of his stomach exposed to Matthew's gaze, he smiled wickedly. "Are you staring at me, hungry wolf?"
Matthew blushed, only briefly, at being caught, though he had made no attempts to hide and instead relished the sensation the sound of Dominic's mouth forming the words 'hungry wolf' gave him. "As if I could stop," he said plainly.
Taking a step toward him, Dominic's mouth went lopsided in a coy and delicious grin. "As if I wanted you to stop."
Shivering as Dominic pronounced and hung onto an 's,' Matthew raked a hand through his hair as he backed away and turned to move toward the kitchen. "Ok, you really need to go. I can't be held responsible for my actions if we continue on like this."
"Yeah, let me get my shoes." Dominic followed Matthew, though neither could bring themselves to make eye contact.
Desire and lust always hit Matthew fairly hard, their transformation into love occurring only after he intimately got know his significant other. To him, sex was something to be shared, bodies receiving enjoyment and pleasure on a heightened level. Sex could be enjoyed without love and, for Matthew, it had always kept its power from partner to partner. But when it came to Dominic, the sensations he felt were brand new, his lust running a scale that left his body winded and desperate to catch up with his heart.
Brief stares, skin grazing against fingers accidentally, the scent of Dominic in the breeze as he passed - all these things seemed to resonate at a higher frequency than Matthew was ready for, and in the aftermath of these small, yet seemingly enormous, encounters, Matthew was always stunned into stillness by the force of his own want.
Leaning against the doorway as he waited for Dominic to join him, his heart pounded heavily in his chest. Dominic was leaving what could be considered the safety of his home, returning once again the place that would no doubt be overrun with memories of the woman who had his heart before he even dreamed of possessing it. And while he wanted to shake the feeling from his body completely, he cold not help but feel as though he would be unable to compete with the thought of Julia, fearing that simply the memory of her would cause Dominic to run.
"Can I see you tonight?" Dominic asked, coming to linger in the doorway before he made his exit to the empty flat waiting for him.
It was an innocent request, something that Matthew also was eager to acquiesce, but he would not allow himself to get carried away. "I would like that, but I think you should wait to see how you feel tonight. You might just want to be alone, you know?"
Looking to his feet Dominic spoke softly. "You didn't want to be alone when you came back from Spain."
True as it was, Matthew needed to remind Dominic that the circumstances were entirely different. "Yeah, but that's because I'd been alone for a month, dealing with this by running. I was stupid. There's nothing you can do but deal with this by yourself, immediately. You'll heal faster."
"Can I at least call you tonight?" Dominic asked, looking hopefully up into Matthew's eyes.
"Of course!" he responded incredulously. "Call if you need anything, ok?"
Smiling brightly, Dominic blushed once more as he leaned forward to plant a soft peck to Matthew's lips. Moving away silently, Dominic escaped through the threshold of his door and down the stairs that lead to the street.
Shutting the door softly, Matthew returned to the living room and sat exactly where Dominic had been sleeping. Bashfully pulling the sheets to his nose, he smelled the faint traces the blonde had left behind and began what he assumed would be the endless hours of waiting.
~~
Everything that was Julia, her essence, her laugh and her smell had been burned into the walls of the flat, though nothing of her, save for pieces of her favourite furniture, was left behind. Standing alone in the eerily quiet kitchen of his flat, he looked around, expecting her to come from the bedroom zipping up her jeans.
She never came.
At any moment, he could feel her bursting through the door, joy spilling over in her laughter as she ran to tell him of her day.
She never came.
Her energy was left behind, resonating through the walls, serving as a reminder that the woman he knew and loved was gone, completely.
His heart pounded in his chest as his breaths became excruciatingly hot, his throat burning with something that felt like bile or the urge to cry. His fists clenched and unclenched, his hands at a loss for something to do.
It was a loss that shook him to his bones, seeing everything they shared together erased in one fell swoop. And while he had seen it coming, nothing could prepare him for the agony that rippled through him as he realized that it was over.
Love, as he knew, took many forms. His romantic love for her had faded, but the love he had felt for her as a friend had remained etched into the stone of his core. He had promised her forever, and he had wanted to give it to her, but not in the way he had intended to. What mattered was that he still saw himself growing old with her by his side, his friend, his dearest friend, and the one he had let slip away.
Coupled with the sense of loss, the guilt he felt shook him, ripped him apart in ways he thought impossible. He should have tried harder, he should have said more, he should have fought less. The things he should have and never did ate at him like acid, and he hugged himself tightly wishing that she could come back if only for a moment so he could explain what he never had the guts to say before this moment.
Taking in a deep inhale, he breathed her in, and let out a shaky exhale that dissolved into the atmosphere. His actions were painfully loud, the house becoming a church to her memory that he didn't want to disturb.
His fault. All his fault. No one to blame but him. Is this not what he had wanted?
Sliding to the floor, back pressed against the cupboards - decorated in a wood finish that she had so triumphantly chosen all those years ago - he wallowed in the sensation of the tears that burned his skin as they poured.
Hands clutching his arms tight enough to leave bruises, there was nothing he could do but cry. Julia had done nothing wrong, had never deserved to be treated the way he treated her. Yes, she deserved a better lover than him, but it was only in the bitterness of his tears that he realized that she deserved a better friend as well. He had sworn he would never treat a friend this way, would never lose someone dear to him if he could help it.
The strands of their relationship had been ripped apart and it was his fault. He had let himself down, he had let her down.
Matthew had been correct in assuming that he would want to be alone tonight, and he found it hard to imagine that Matthew would even want to look him in the face.
And then Julia's words returned to him, as if leaking through the floorboards.
"I want you to love him, and I want you to mean it. Because I want him to know that every single day, he runs the risk of living through what I am. If your affections seem to blow with a summer breeze than he needs to know it, and he needs to be brave. So you better fucking love him. Love him and mean it."
It pained him to think that he could do this to Matthew, though not on purpose. He hadn't put thought to her words as she said them but now, as he wept in her absence, he loathed himself for what he had done to her.
As he choked on his own breaths, he knew that she did not cry for him as he was her. He didn't deserve any of her tears. He simply wasn't worthy.
She would never forgive him.
And he would never forgive himself.
Author:
lalalive23 Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG
Warning: Fluff and sadness
Summary: AU. Matt moved to Spain immediately after his lover left him to continue his work on the Spanish guitar. When Dom takes a holiday with his new fiancee, his world gets turned upside down and nothing is ever the same again.
Feedback: Not gonna lie, I'm a feedback whore. I get the shakes without it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Muse. If I did, they sure as hell would not be let out of the naughty closet. I don't make money off this. If I did, I would be a rich lady and not distracting myself from writing an undergrad thesis that is somehow much bigger than I.
Note: So. Here we are. We find ourselves at the end of Part 2. Sigh. Only one part left until the end and the thought makes me want to curl up into a ball and weep. I know for a fact you guys will love the next two chapters. ;) Part of this was difficult to write, mostly because the last half is everything that I did after Arianna left. So, pardon if it feels choppy, pardon if it feels broken up and strange. It's the best and most accurate way I can describe those emotions. Many songs went into the inspiration for this chapter. They are all featured on the soundtrack I shall be posting immediately after this :D Dear readers, I love you <3
I send treats, love and worships to
dolce_piccante for talking to me all day about bacon, CVS, nail polish and random TV shows. Also for putting up with me for going on about Purple Rain. I love sheerpoetry for looking over this entire chapter for me. She is an angel <3Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14A Chapter 14B Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18
The following morning, Matthew woke, tangled in his sheets, after only a few hours sleep. In the dark of the night, he had tossed and turned, feeling as though Dominic's presence on his couch was crawling from beneath his door and into his bed. He could feel the blonde, feel the pressure of ghostly hands against his skin. In the oppressive quiet of the night, he could faintly hear the sound of Dominic's soft snores drifting through his walls. He had spent hours trapped in a weighted state of craving, and it was only when the sun turned the sky a faint shade of orange that his eyes finally shut from sheer exhaustion.
Bathed in the warm strands of sunlight, he waited, hoping to hear sounds of footsteps or the calm snores of the man on his couch. It was a veritable truth that Dominic might not be there at all. In the early hours of the morning, as he was just falling asleep, Dominic could have left, feeling too pressured by all the changes in his life. His racing mind could have prompted him to realize that this was, in fact, not what he wanted and that he had rushed over to the flat before he realized that he had let the one he wanted get away.
It was these thoughts, the thought of opening his bedroom door to find an empty flat, that left him paralyzed in his bed. He didn't know how he would respond, he only knew that the mere thought of being alone again left him feeling hollow and worthless.
But then, there was always the alternative.
He shifted minutely, his legs moving closer to the edge of the bed as if the notion of having Dominic on the other side of the wall as a magnetic force pulling him from the safety of his duvet.
Momentarily, he focused his strength on reigning his desires in. Shifting to sit up, he reminded himself that regardless if Dominic stayed, the blonde still had let him down. He had not vocalized anything to Julia, as far as he knew, and he had sat by and let others do his work for him. Matthew had forgiven him, of course, but he would not move forward until Dominic voiced exactly what he wanted, and when he wanted it.
Rubbing his hands over his face, he inhaled deeply, ears still listening for the sound of another person. He felt silly, knowing that the only way to end his torment was to remove himself from the bedroom and investigate the house. His desire to see Dominic's face is what lead him to standing. His desire to touch him is what lead him to moving his feet.
Opening the door quietly, he stuck his head out of the room and peered into the small hallway, seeing no signs of a body and hearing no sign of movement. He walked quietly in the hall, his skin prickling as he neared the corner wall where the couch was placed. Closing his eyes tightly, he walked into the living room and faced the couch, praying that Dom's form would still be there.
"Morning!" a voice came brightly to his ears.
His eyes snapped open, Dominic lying on the couch in a completely relaxed state, Arm behind his head, mobile in the other hand, he was draped over the furniture as though he came with the couch when Matthew bought it.
"You're still here," he said softly as he came to kneel in front of Dominic.
"Did you think I wouldn't be?" Dom chuckled softly. Large grey eyes peered at Matthew quizzically, and immediately he felt silly for imagining that he would he would leave at all.
He blushed as he brought his eyes to the shape of Dominic's crumpled shirt, the fabric having risen slightly during his night of shifting on the couch. "I thought, maybe..." he drifted, embarrassed for his assumptions based solely on his insecurities.
"Hey," Dominic whispered. A strong hand came to rest gently over Matthew's fingers where they rested on the cushion, toying softly with the tips. Slowly, he looked at the blonde's face, nibbling his lip in worry. "I told you I wanted this."
Matthew nodded, remembering clearly the numerous times Dominic had voiced that sentiment and added this moment to the small pile that had begun to form in his mind. "I know, but you still have a lot to think over. When you go back home...it's going to be different. It'll be hard. I mean...remember how I was?"
It seemed like years ago, his valiant return to London with Dom and Julia at his side, only to feel his confidence quiver and break the instant he stepped through his doorway. While they were living different situations, he knew that Dominic could not so easily separate himself from someone who had taken up such a large portion of his life.
It was Dominic's turn to look away. "Of course I do. I hated seeing you cry."
Against his wishes, Matthew smiled. "That's not what I mean," he clarified.
"No, I know. It's just..." Dominic's pink tongue came to lick his bottom lip as he formulated his words. "I thought about it a bit, last night after you went to bed. And...I love Julia, but I haven't been in love with her for a while. Things changed...we changed...after you."
"You make it sound so terrible," Matthew said weakly.
"Don't look at it that way. It's just...you know, what was I supposed to do? It's like, everything I knew about the world and myself changed after I met you. How I felt about Julia changed because....there was you. I tried not comparing you guys, I still don't, but I need to compare how I feel about the both of you. I can't deny that it's different. It shouldn't be, but it is." Dominic finished his explanation the moment his pinky finger slid to lock with Matthew's, the action sending a thrill through the brunet's spine.
"That still doesn't change the fact that you're going to miss her," Matthew whispered. He needed to drive this home, as best he could. Dominic might be sure that his desires were different but he would not allow Dominic to underestimate how much Julia mattered. And, oh, did she matter.
"I know I'm going to miss her. But I haven't missed her as a lover since the day I kissed you. I know I'm going to miss her as a friend, and I'm trying to deal with that. It's going to take a while to cope with it." He cut himself short, his vocalization of the sentence keeping Matthew on edge as he waited for more. Nothing ever came. He took the pause as his turn to speak.
"I just want you to be prepared." His lips twitched in the nervous way they did, forming a slanted frown for the briefest of moments. It was a habit he was aware of and one he couldn't help. He did, however, admire the way Dominic smiled at the action.
"Matt, I think it's silly to think that I'm prepared, and that I could ever be prepared. I won't really know until I get home, you know? Which, really, I should be doing that right now." With a groan, he moved to an upright position, his body pushing its way into the arm of the couch. His hand never removed itself from Matthew's as though the contact was a lifeline to which he clutched.
"I didn't mean prepared for the feeling, or the depth of the feeling. You could try and imagine it as much as you want but you will never truly be prepared for it. I think what I'm saying is that I want you to be prepared to accept that you will never truly be prepared to deal with this." Matthew gazed up at Dominic from his kneeling position, hoping that he could force Dominic to realize that everything they shared, and everything they felt, could mean nothing the instant he walked into his flat. There was nothing Matthew could do to help him, it was something that he needed to do by himself. All he could do was surrender himself to an indeterminable amount of waiting and hoping for Dom to come back to him.
It seemed as though Dominic was struggling to find the words or the will to speak, his eyes seeming to be focused on the thoughts in his head rather than Matthew pleading expression. He finally settled on a soft "thank you."
"There's more to this you know, than just missing her. I mean...like I said last night, you can't just waltz into homosexuality and expect it to be a breeze." The words felt more harsh than he intended them, and he had to look away from Dom's face into order to finish his sentence.
"I told you. I don't look at other guys and think 'oh, yeah baby, come my way.' I don't see 'men' as anything sexual. But you...I want you. And as for the struggle, I told Julia and I will tell you: I am willing to fight for you. You are worth the fight." There was a fierceness within his eyes that startled Matthew, the sincerity with which he said the words catching him off guard and leaving him breathless
It meant everything to him to hear those words and with such unyielding conviction. But he had heard sentiment echoed before in other words from Evan and, as much as he wanted to hold onto them and believe them with the same certainty in which they were said, he simply accepted the fact that the feeling could change faster than a heartbeat.
Liquid fire burned through Matthew's calves as he brought himself to stand, slowly extracting his fingers from Dom's grip. The instant their hands were separated, Dominic reached up and grabbed his hand completely, eyes begging to ask something he was finding the words to voice. Matthew stared at him questioningly, patiently waiting for him to explain himself.
"Can I kiss you?" Dominic asked with a delicate blush to his cheeks.
A tingle passed from his heart to his toes, warming Matthew's body to the core. "How long have you been waiting to ask me that?" he laughed, as he began to lean towards the lithe form before him.
"Since you pushed me away last night," Dominic whispered, sealing their lips together.
Warm lips slid across each other as they kissed, both men doing their best to keep things as chaste as possible. Dominic brought a hand to cup Matthew's cheek, a soft mewl escaping the brunet at the touch. He pulled away, then, pressing his forehead against Dominic's with his eyes closed in an effort to stop himself from going too far.
"I should go," Dominic whispered. Opening his eyes, Matthew studied the way the blonde's bottom lip shimmered with saliva, seeming to quake as he panted rhythmic and heavy breaths.
He nodded slowly, almost imperceptibly, in agreement. "Do you want breakfast or anything?"
"No, I'll eat when I get home if I can."
Neither one moved from their position, the feel of the other's warm breath simply erasing any desire to pull away. It was with great strength and unsurprising hesitancy that Matthew moved first, savoring the way Dominic whined quietly in protest.
Stepping away from the couch, Matthew watched silently as Dominic ran a hand through his hair, the strands seeming to shimmer gold and brown in the sunlight. It was almost as if he were glowing, warm and brilliant, and Matthew found himself struggling in his resistance to reach out and touch the blonde's skin. From beneath the folds of shirt, hipbones had become exposed, and countless fantasies that Matthew had created in his mind rushed behind his eyes as his mouth moistened at the sight. He was staring in unbridled enjoyment, and, as Dominic stood to adjust his clothing, he didn't have it in him to stop.
Dominic paused under Matthew's heated stare, his hand stilled in its action of tugging the shirt down. Leaving the rest of his stomach exposed to Matthew's gaze, he smiled wickedly. "Are you staring at me, hungry wolf?"
Matthew blushed, only briefly, at being caught, though he had made no attempts to hide and instead relished the sensation the sound of Dominic's mouth forming the words 'hungry wolf' gave him. "As if I could stop," he said plainly.
Taking a step toward him, Dominic's mouth went lopsided in a coy and delicious grin. "As if I wanted you to stop."
Shivering as Dominic pronounced and hung onto an 's,' Matthew raked a hand through his hair as he backed away and turned to move toward the kitchen. "Ok, you really need to go. I can't be held responsible for my actions if we continue on like this."
"Yeah, let me get my shoes." Dominic followed Matthew, though neither could bring themselves to make eye contact.
Desire and lust always hit Matthew fairly hard, their transformation into love occurring only after he intimately got know his significant other. To him, sex was something to be shared, bodies receiving enjoyment and pleasure on a heightened level. Sex could be enjoyed without love and, for Matthew, it had always kept its power from partner to partner. But when it came to Dominic, the sensations he felt were brand new, his lust running a scale that left his body winded and desperate to catch up with his heart.
Brief stares, skin grazing against fingers accidentally, the scent of Dominic in the breeze as he passed - all these things seemed to resonate at a higher frequency than Matthew was ready for, and in the aftermath of these small, yet seemingly enormous, encounters, Matthew was always stunned into stillness by the force of his own want.
Leaning against the doorway as he waited for Dominic to join him, his heart pounded heavily in his chest. Dominic was leaving what could be considered the safety of his home, returning once again the place that would no doubt be overrun with memories of the woman who had his heart before he even dreamed of possessing it. And while he wanted to shake the feeling from his body completely, he cold not help but feel as though he would be unable to compete with the thought of Julia, fearing that simply the memory of her would cause Dominic to run.
"Can I see you tonight?" Dominic asked, coming to linger in the doorway before he made his exit to the empty flat waiting for him.
It was an innocent request, something that Matthew also was eager to acquiesce, but he would not allow himself to get carried away. "I would like that, but I think you should wait to see how you feel tonight. You might just want to be alone, you know?"
Looking to his feet Dominic spoke softly. "You didn't want to be alone when you came back from Spain."
True as it was, Matthew needed to remind Dominic that the circumstances were entirely different. "Yeah, but that's because I'd been alone for a month, dealing with this by running. I was stupid. There's nothing you can do but deal with this by yourself, immediately. You'll heal faster."
"Can I at least call you tonight?" Dominic asked, looking hopefully up into Matthew's eyes.
"Of course!" he responded incredulously. "Call if you need anything, ok?"
Smiling brightly, Dominic blushed once more as he leaned forward to plant a soft peck to Matthew's lips. Moving away silently, Dominic escaped through the threshold of his door and down the stairs that lead to the street.
Shutting the door softly, Matthew returned to the living room and sat exactly where Dominic had been sleeping. Bashfully pulling the sheets to his nose, he smelled the faint traces the blonde had left behind and began what he assumed would be the endless hours of waiting.
~~
Everything that was Julia, her essence, her laugh and her smell had been burned into the walls of the flat, though nothing of her, save for pieces of her favourite furniture, was left behind. Standing alone in the eerily quiet kitchen of his flat, he looked around, expecting her to come from the bedroom zipping up her jeans.
She never came.
At any moment, he could feel her bursting through the door, joy spilling over in her laughter as she ran to tell him of her day.
She never came.
Her energy was left behind, resonating through the walls, serving as a reminder that the woman he knew and loved was gone, completely.
His heart pounded in his chest as his breaths became excruciatingly hot, his throat burning with something that felt like bile or the urge to cry. His fists clenched and unclenched, his hands at a loss for something to do.
It was a loss that shook him to his bones, seeing everything they shared together erased in one fell swoop. And while he had seen it coming, nothing could prepare him for the agony that rippled through him as he realized that it was over.
Love, as he knew, took many forms. His romantic love for her had faded, but the love he had felt for her as a friend had remained etched into the stone of his core. He had promised her forever, and he had wanted to give it to her, but not in the way he had intended to. What mattered was that he still saw himself growing old with her by his side, his friend, his dearest friend, and the one he had let slip away.
Coupled with the sense of loss, the guilt he felt shook him, ripped him apart in ways he thought impossible. He should have tried harder, he should have said more, he should have fought less. The things he should have and never did ate at him like acid, and he hugged himself tightly wishing that she could come back if only for a moment so he could explain what he never had the guts to say before this moment.
Taking in a deep inhale, he breathed her in, and let out a shaky exhale that dissolved into the atmosphere. His actions were painfully loud, the house becoming a church to her memory that he didn't want to disturb.
His fault. All his fault. No one to blame but him. Is this not what he had wanted?
Sliding to the floor, back pressed against the cupboards - decorated in a wood finish that she had so triumphantly chosen all those years ago - he wallowed in the sensation of the tears that burned his skin as they poured.
Hands clutching his arms tight enough to leave bruises, there was nothing he could do but cry. Julia had done nothing wrong, had never deserved to be treated the way he treated her. Yes, she deserved a better lover than him, but it was only in the bitterness of his tears that he realized that she deserved a better friend as well. He had sworn he would never treat a friend this way, would never lose someone dear to him if he could help it.
The strands of their relationship had been ripped apart and it was his fault. He had let himself down, he had let her down.
Matthew had been correct in assuming that he would want to be alone tonight, and he found it hard to imagine that Matthew would even want to look him in the face.
And then Julia's words returned to him, as if leaking through the floorboards.
"I want you to love him, and I want you to mean it. Because I want him to know that every single day, he runs the risk of living through what I am. If your affections seem to blow with a summer breeze than he needs to know it, and he needs to be brave. So you better fucking love him. Love him and mean it."
It pained him to think that he could do this to Matthew, though not on purpose. He hadn't put thought to her words as she said them but now, as he wept in her absence, he loathed himself for what he had done to her.
As he choked on his own breaths, he knew that she did not cry for him as he was her. He didn't deserve any of her tears. He simply wasn't worthy.
She would never forgive him.
And he would never forgive himself.